How in the heck can I wash my neck...

I prayed to The Rain Gods to give more than the sporadic, half-arsed effort that they presented to us earlier today and thought that if I was a god, I'd want to be a Rain God because, I mean - who would really want to be an important god, you know? Like, one responsible for people's luck, salvation, punishment, revenge, and answering the pleas of perverts that swear that if they get away with this, they swear they'll never, ever do it again.

Dude, a Rain God only produces rain. That's it. And it's either a yes or no answer that you ponder over, and if you DO decide to answer a prayer and make it rain, you've only got ten options from that point on - you can make it rain on a Level One Intensity up to Level Ten.

That's it. If you're a Rain God, the rest of your days are spent drinking light beer and playing super Mario Brothers on the original Nintendo system. Word to that, brutha.

Pitfall...

I am writing so much on work-related things that aren't The Great American Novel - that my Tom Sawyer feels like it's going to Catcher In The Rye out of my To Kill A Mockingbird.

oooooo

Wrote "Replay". Mormon master of Sci-Fi. Even better with her new nose. Where is he? Used to be cool. My oldest buddy. Could beat up Butler Jarvis in a fight. Writing genius. R.I.P. R.I.P. Soon to fight The Marvel Zombies. Duck, duck - DRUNK! M.I.A. R.I.P. R.I.P. Never finished the four books I've had at my disposal. Miss her. R.I.P. Drank aplle juice on stage. Gummy Bear-y juice. Hot. Went down like a bitch. Genius. Donde esta el Panchen Lama, chintos? D.L.M. es yr berfday. Wil Wheaton and I talked blogs b4 They Might Be Giants played. Iron Fist. Still can't find that book. (sigh). The Four. Ugly behind an iron mask. Bck in black, Spidey. Sederra. Love. Juliette and The Licks. Porno. Jae Lee. Rodney Mullen. Lincoln. The Diviners. Sarah Brown. Obesity meets Crispin Glover. Where are you? Beer. Where are you? Minotaur. R.I.P. Dee. Dharamsala. David Greybeard. Drexel. Rob Lowe. Ramona. Elmore Leonard. Frank Miller. Free staring tomorrow. Zod. Ghost Rider. Che Guevara. Shemp. For Better Or For Worse. Choamsky. Roge. Adderral. Marriage. Foghorn Leghorn. Soup. Lycanthropes. Black Pepper. People. Hard-to-do. Ritalin.

......

Kenneth Grimwood. Orson Scott Card. Ashlee Simpson. Adam Langlois. Selina Kyle. George Little. Alfred Pennyworth. Warren Ellis. Charles Bukowski. Gladys Horn. Ash. Grey Goose. Man Or Astroman. Wrist Action. Hannah The Cat. Fight Club. Sindy. Kerouac. Dean Martin. Gummy Worms. Hermione. Kit Fisto. Charlie Kaufman. The Dalai Lama. D.L.M. Shawdy. Wesley Crusher. Bruce Lee. The Trolley Car Family. Hunter S. Thompson. Elijah Snow. Victor Von Doom. Mary Jane getting shot by a sniper. Sedera. Elizabeth Hurley. Mallory Knox. Irvine Welsh. Stephen King. Roney Mullen. Large Mouth Bass. Precipitation. Egon Spangler. Willy Wonka. David Hammamoto. Anti-antiobiotics. Shane Brooks. Theseus. Carl Sagan. Joe. Buddha. Gombe National Preserve. Clarence Whorley. Demi Moore. Beezus. Hokey Pokey Elmo. Las Vegas. Beer. Boz. Benjamin Grimm. Sonny Chiba. Bruce Campbell. Calvin And Hobbes. Socrates. Dee. Flintstones Vitamins. Marvin Gaye. Daffy Duck. Sundried Tomato Deviled Eggs. Werewolves. Blank Paper. Tomorrow. Sleep. And Restless Leg Syndrome.

Find The Panchen Lama....

Fuck Waldo.

Gradius...

In the the land of Wii's and I-things -
There are smoking craters
Burned huts
and
(fill in the blank)

Burger Time...

Bad poetry is bad poetry
but
bad poetry
can sometimes
become good poetry
if it's not
bad

Maybe Deja-Vu Is...

That somebody in an alternate universe is reading that book about you, the comic book or watching your movie and either had to re-read that sentence, chapter, etc. or rewind to the last part before the phone rang or having to feed the dogs.

Ladybug...

Pole Position...

Seriously - I love words.
Sentences.
Paragraphs and stories.
All of it.
Love telling them and hearing them, reading them.

Nice.

Nerd.

Defender...

Was excited to knock out me ditching my current auto insurance company for another one because I'm letting it lapse out on The Sabbath - did all of the finalization at the office at the worst time possible. Didn't get my emailed PDF files until I got home. Gave it to my girlfriend to look at the coverage, etc.

Why does it say the (insert name of older car here)?

Dude. Seriously?

I now have a car that I don't own, insured for the weekend.

For the guy who has no health, life or dental insurance.

But I do own the first appearance of Sentry, Speedball, Carnage, X-23, Concrete, AvP, Black Mask, Jason Todd, Tim Drake, Darkseid, The Excelsior Team from BKV's Runaways, Ventriloquist, Anarky, Penance, Jigsaw, Jubilee, Marvel Zombiefied Fantastic Four, Deadpool, Cable, Warpath, Spiderman's black costume, John Constantine, Elijah Snow, Illuminati, Nuke, Elsie Dee and Albert, Arana, Damian Wayne, Bane, Azreal, Killer Croc, Ezekiel, and the ghost of Princess Diana...

Nerd Insurance.

That Kid...

in Ultraviolet w/ Milla Jovovich -
I also remember him with Nicole Kidman in the movie, Birth.
I wonder if him, getting all close and snuggly with two hot girls as a child actor's gonna screw him up in later years?

I doubt he cares.

Boz is a genius!!!

Boz fixed my archives AGAIN!!!
But seriously, Boz is a genius.
And he has a great personality too.
And small children and animals like him too.
And if they gave lifetime achievement awards to people nicknamed Boz, Boz would win it every year.

Dig-Dug...

Man, why do I always have archive problems? mememeeee?

Karma sandwich.

Moon Patrol...

this is my primary blog. blog, meaning-not a novel.
i am too lazy to eat.
i need to remind myself to make that file with all of my compounded brain activity.
hey, put on some music, too - you boo radley.
might as well.
while you're wasting time.

(why doesn't my archive work??????)

Help??????

Mappy...

Our house smells like cat pee. I think I'm gonna go out and buy some firewood to cover it up. Word.

I got two early Christmas presents this year.

The cool, black shirt I ruined while using bleach.

The bottle of vodka didn't make it past midnight.

I rule.

erghhh...

Kelly Clarkson is in my head.

I Have Another Blog...

And I just wrote something much funnier than this on it.

Much funnier.

Boss #3 took me out to lunch today which happened to be right across the parking lot from a place that I worked at for about four years. This old job of mine had windows on pretty much one whole side of the building that the employees often used to look out of when they got bored (which was often).

Anyway, I was out in the parking lot for a bit and wondered if any of the old employees were still there. I wondered if they could see me and thought that maybe I should peek my head in and say hi?

Then I said FUCK ALL THAT and didn't.

The End.

M'i Afeerd fo brees....

Three seperate times today a bee was hovering outside my car window.

Why?

Johnny Blaze, Daniel Ketch And Truman Capote...

Seriously, I noticed it a long time ago and mentioned something but - what's the deal with 30 hits a day looking for Ghost Rider?

Is he really that popular?

The Spirit Of Vengeance. Really?

Mannnnn.....

When the boring job (not the cool one) now won't let me access You Tube due to their firewall?

That's when things get even more boring.

What am I supposed to do? Bring a book?

Horrible.

I Am Hunter S. Thompson Without The Drug Habit And Access To Firearms...

Maybe I'm more like the reclusive J.D. Salinger, but without the talent and the one good book. Am I'm totally not comparing myself to HST. Well, I do have access to arrows. I can't wait for the day that I get arrested for shooting drunk kids in the park with my bow. And no, I don't have a quiver or go to Renaissance Faires (sp?), but I am as pretty as Legolas if not prettier, that sissy-boy.

I'm thinking that I've got to keep up the blogging-things because I'm developing some serious gaps in my chronological documentation for my future sperm-spawn. I mean, I sure as hell am not going to talk to them, so how will they know what I was doing back in the day when we talked on cell phones and had polar ice caps?

Not that they'd be able to gleam anything useful from Fat Free Milk because unless they were looking for bad poetry and fart jokes, then they'd be better off asking one of the many Tijuana whores that I've traded comic books with.

This is why I don't write as much anymore.

Because I am even more distracted than I used to be, more of a drunk, super-sexy, totally Greg Louganis, getting paid for writing on a regular basis for an awesome company and pecking away at things, but not consuming them wholly as I should.

My brain gets so synaptically overloaded, I think that it just goes into Cherynobel-status. Meaning - whatever.

What? Huh? I can't concentrate. Air conditioning and planes and the setting sun and to-do-lists and have to drive to pick up my car

bzzt

This Is What My Life Has Become...

I was talking to my cell phone company's customer service gal today and she asked if I wanted to add 300 text messages a month for just five dollars more on my plan. My first reaction was one of holier-than-thou est ness ity ishness. Me? Need a text message plan? You must be joking.
Right?

Ummm...she told me that last month I had 90 sent and received text messages on record and have been consistent with that number in the last three months or so and at .15 cents a pop - I'd be actually saving money by adding on five more bucks a month. I'd be saving, what? $4.50 a month?

So, I figured that I could add the five bucks and laugh at myself for even having this conversation. Since when did I join the rest of the herd?

Or, I could maybe not text because I'm lazy and it's easier than actually talking to people and that maybe I should especially not text people clever, ha-ha crap when I've been drinking either?

So.

I added on the five bucks.

Moo.