Rip Van Shithead...

I have spent the last two nights sleeping on the couch.

Tonight?

Better find out soon, boyo.

Your clock and relationship's tickin like an Al Qeada Dirty Bomb.

I Am Using The Largest Type Because My Eyesight Has Failed Me...

I feel like I've been blinded by Evil Ash from Armys Of Darkness.
Jason Voorhees has sliced my throat.
Freddy Krueger has stabbed my gut.

Micheal Myers is chasing me down dark hallways.
Frank The Bunny won't get out of my head.
Tyler Durden keeps knocking out my teeth.

And those stupid ferrets from Beastmaster keep on shitting in my boots.

Postage Will Be Paid By Addressee...

When I read this, I will be sitting bored in an insurance office.
I will wonder why I didn't write anything better, but then, I will yawn and remember how tired I was the night before, and what a long day it had been. I will congratulate myself on writing anything at all. I will take a drink of my Coke, read this again...and then it will all make a lot more sense. I hope.

House Of M...

It's cool that you want to talk to me about comic books at the grocery store. I usually don't get a chance to talk about nerdy things that I like with that many people, but...please just dont speak SO LOUDLY. Telling me HOW COOL THE CURRENT BATMAN STORYLINES ARE RIGHT NOW is not socially kosher there, bubba. Even if I'm just standing there by the flowers and holding windshield wiper fluid, paper towels and a six-pack of Bud Light.

It's just uncomfortable being outed like that.

Y'know...with the Bud Light and all...

The Battle Of The Bulge...

We need to eat first and then we'll drink more AND THEN WERE GOING TO PLAY KICKBALL.

A Memorial Day, indeed.

Before...

getting home from bartending for almost twelve hours. I limped through the supermarket and bought Gatorade, cigarettes and a Tombstone pizza. I then saw two Coyotes in front of my house. I made hissing noises at them. They both smiled at me. Not moving. So I threw an old Wu Tang Clan casette tape at them and then they ran off.

From Hell...

The keys feel like hard Play-Doh.
Am I finding it hard to concentrate because of the Abshtine/abshthinse/abracadabra stuff of my friends that I drank tonight? Now, trust me - i'm more of the boobt boring type. Only Bud/boring light and maybe the occasional mixed drink combined with the usual madness, but I don't even like taking Aspirin. I've had my fair share of madness back in the exploratory years - but liquor-ish crud never makes the night for me.

But, tonight my friend had some Absithne/abdkdwejkrd. I had alot. Stuff that we can get in America is weaK. i tHINK THAT i WAS BUZZED AND ALL THAT IT MADE ME WAS DRUNKER. TRY TO EXPLAIN THAT TO MY GIRLFRIEND AND MY FRIEND'S GIRLFRIEND. i FELT LIKE THE ONLY GUY IN THE ROOM WEARING PANTIES. i NEED TO TURN THESE CAPLOCKS OFF.

If you don't listen to Atari Teenage Riot or to Alex Empire - then die of your own non-noisy poo.

I will take bets that I'll feel like Atari Teenage Riot tommorrow, though.

I'm finding it hard to concentrate. I want to laugh, write and rip your head off.

So, apparently this crap doesn't work because this is how I normally am.

Absithne be damned.

Rasputin...

Was hard to get rid off.

but the thousands of nerdy, ding-dong comic books
that I'm trying to sort out in alphabetical order
and that are cluttering every square inch
of my living room -

are even harder to kill tonight.

Does Darth Have A Special Robot That Helps Him Pee?...



Anyway. To get the rest of it out of my system and to answer the questions of my ever-loyal and always inquisitive fanbase -

I liked the movie. As much as one can like a Star Wars movie post 1999. The acting was not as bad as I expected. Not as bad as I expected, which means that there weren't as many cringe-worthy moments as the previous two. This is basically the equivalent as saying you didn't bleed as much this time as opposed to the last time that you walked into a dark closet full of knives.

Yoda, like always was way to overdrawn. Yoda also speaks like my Vietnamese mother. For a guy nearing 800 years old, you would think that he'd be able to figure out not only the fine points of The Force - but also the proper placement of certain words in the basic galactic language.

Chewbacca. Unnecessary. Why was he in it? Why Jimmy Smits for that matter. It most be nice to twiddle your thumbs endlessly, to wait for royalty checks from NYPD Blue and to wait for George Lucas to tell you when to come over to stand in front of a blue screen. NYPD Blue Screen.

Natalie Portman was pregnant. Natalie Portman was not Garden State material. She was more like...Vegetative State written and directed by Zach Braff.

Emperor Palpatine/Ian Mcdirmid/Mcdirmid/Macdiarmid/Mcdirmiad/ed was a true joy. He's probably been the only actor who has been a joy to watch consistently - both in this new, darn-fangled trilogy and in the last two films of the previous. This is what you get when you hire English, theatrically trained actors. You get actors who can work with horrible dialogue. If I wrote a movie called Kaka doody poo - Sir Alec Guinness would make everything that I wrote sound like the Shakespearean equlivalent of verbal butter. I am the George Lucas of the Internet. YOU make something of it.

Ewan McGregor capped of his infinite patience with a great performance and impersonation. It's amazing to think that Renton is still Obi. Now take all of that hard-earned cash, Ewan - and spend it on extra protection so that you don't end up killing yourself on one of your friggin' motorcycles. I still want to see you in Porno by Irvine Welsh, Andrew McDonald and Danny Boyle.

And I guess that I just cut off half of what I wrote. Damnit. I wrote about my inability to perceive Samuel Jackson as anything as Jules from Pulp Fiction with no hair in a robe. I talked about hoe Anakin could've even been more evil and how Sith are supposed to be like, the equivalent of Galactic Nazis - so that should make Anakin in this movie akin to the spurned, young painter named Adolph Hitler. Ummm...it was funnier the way I wrote it before.

Damn. What a horrible endnote. Now I can't REremember how clever I was previously. This is how we'll all end up, folks. Trying to be as quick, witty and pleasing as we were before. Much like me, you and George.

I DID love the movies. THIS one especially. I'm just being a nerdy dickwad. It made a lot of money. It made everybody happy. Life will go on. The TV show will come out in 2007. Maybe I'll have a kid by then. I probably won't. I was surrounded by fathers and their sons in the Star Wars lines. I was always with friends. George Lucas'll be dead by the time that one of my bastard offspring'll be old enough to even ASK me Star Wars-related questions. With my luck, he'll tell me that Stars Wars is GAY and that he's only interested in FOOTBALL statistics. GAY.

I think that I ended it before with saying that this was probably my first and will probably be my last movie review ever.

And then I said MAY THE FORCE BE WITH YOU.

And then I called you NERDY BIRDIES.

Horrible ending, but now I'm too lazy to undo what was undone that I REDID.

Dig?

Dip Them In A Vat Of Popcorn Butter And Then Kick Them Down The Hallway...

Babies and kids in theatres. On Thursday I had to tell some twelve year-old kids that I was going to rip their fucking heads off if they didn't shut up and if they continued to kick my seat. Today, I told somebody that something was wrong with their baby and then had to console a crying five-year old whose father left him due to a cellphone call.

Yesterday, I vainly tried to help as an older man suffered a major heart attack in front of me at my restaurant. He died.

This is not related to anything, except that my last couple of days have been both boring, annoying, exciting and sad.

People Are Watching It Right Now...



I'm a big fucking Star Wars geek. Always loved the movie - I'm in my late, late, late twenties...so far...and grew up with an older brother, which helps you get into SW more. Could tell you a million stories about stuff and my recollections, blah, blah...

But why force this kind of crap just because the last movies's coming out?

I can't write or cram a million hilarious, nerdy stories into one night just because ROTS is coming out. I'm watching the damn movie tomorrow. I will be happy. I will get sushi afterwards. I will ask a lot of questions afterwards. My Jedi powers never surfaced, too, by the way.

So FUCK YOU, Palpatine!

Lying, sonofabitch.

You look like shit anyway.

I'm going to bomb the hell out of Toshi Station, just to do it - you bastards.

And The Slow Days Do Nothing To Erase The Constant Changes In Your Face...

and he asked himself
quietly
and politely

to
Stop for a second.

what
what's wrong?
don't bother me
I'm busy
y' see?

No. I don't see.
I see what you don't - and more.
This is the reason of my being. I am the outerworldy essence that exists within you. The outsides of your insides that we all hope that you may, one day, spread to others in your outside world.

I'm not really getting what you're saying, man. You seem like a nice guy and all - but...I'm, kinda like, really doin' a lot of things right now, y' know? Maybe I'll have some time later or sumthin'...

No. You won't. I know this, have seen it...lived it. That is why I speak to you now. I see you. Know you. Am you. I am THE OLDER you. The FUTURE YOU.

......really? Wow. Cool. Huh. Ummm...so, are you, like - rich yet?

(sigh).........

Racecar Backwards...

Just caught myself not knowing what to say on the phone because I was so distracted with something stupid on the computer and just got home from work early and called somebody but couldn't remember who the hell I called so the recording was blank until I said...uuuhhhhh I don't know who this is - but this is Kevynn and...I know I was calling to play poker, so I hope this is somebody that likes to play. Bye.

Things I Hate To Do...

Why does it seem that I know everybody else a lot better than they know me?

Nothing Compares...To You...



Sometimes, I wanna shave my head. It only happens when I'm drunk. I don't know why. Maybe I look at myself in the mirror and feel ashamed. Maybe the monastic and shamefully anti-bacchanal part of me rears its ugly pun-intended head. Or maybe it's because that my friend Tony has a pair of clippers always lying about in his bathroom and every single time that I'm at Tony's - I'm totally wasted.

Mommy And Daddy...Thanks, Raymi...

That's the second cool band that I've found on her website.

Sometimes you discover the best things when everybody else is sleeping.

Axe-murderers, Owls and The Chupacabra know what's up.

It can make one feel old against the squinting glare of the alarm-clocked LED display when you realize that sporadic moments of creative discovery, loud music and writing madness happen when the next work day looms overhead like Pennywise's true galactic form. Stupid spider.

If that didn't make sense, I'll make it so.

I miss writing on paper.

Enough with missing shit and on to dissing shit.

Enough with submissing and on to the next mission.

And They Should...

carry our bodies down by the river after we die. There, they will bathe us, wrap us in fine silk and then let the slow currents whisk us away. They'll watch until we're out of sight - we might get snagged by a jutting rock or a stray bush branch - then, they'll wade into the cold water and free us from the tangles. They'll hope for unimpeded progress down the river...either that, or a peaceful descent down to the river bottom.

Either way...out of sight, out of mind, out of their hands - into someone else's.

Straight down the middle.

Or a slow descent to the bottom.

Either way is fine.

Godspeed.

Knights Of The Old Republic...

I type this without my glasses. Without SPECTACLES, which is the Greek god of sight. Without TESTICLES, which is the Greek god of fertility. I am performing The Seven Labors Of Kevycles. But I keep on getting distracted. This is getting easier to do now. Too easy.

Everything is easier to not do now. Should I start worrying?

Even italicizing that one word took effort.

Typing italicizing made me feel triumphant.

Even typing makes me feel triumphant.

I Am Walter Mitty's Lack Of Realism...

Pretty much every Chrsitmas, I would at least, get a couple of records from my dad. The Adventures Of The Lone Ranger, Robin Hood, Disney's Haunted Mansion, Grimms Fairy Tales, Etc.

Mt favorite though, was a record completely narrated by Danny Kaye. He did all of the character voices for storied like The Something Something Musicians Of Bremen, some skit about peas in a kettle, and something about...oh wait-yeah, he did Rumplestilskin too. Tons of stuff, and he was funny. It had sound effects and the whole deal. This is the type of stuff that I would listen too. Swiss Family Robinson, songs, limericks, blah blah.

I would sit in the dark sometimes and just imagine everything that was going on. I would sing. What else was there to do im my room besides listen to crap on the record player and to play with all of my Star Wars Figures.

I think that my father's record gifts made a huge impact on my life. I can think of nothing better for a kid. Sitting and imagining pictures and settings in your head because you want to. I got outside a lot though, so don't be a buttmunch. I had a surprisingly active lifestyle considering how crappy my parent were.

But I DID have a lot of wonderful books, records and cartoons at my disposal when nobody else would pay attention to me. There's no point to this. I was thinking about a title while driving home after bartending tonight. A girl from Days Of Out Lives, one of the guys from The Wonder Years - one of Kevin Arnold's friends shot the shit with me for a while, and my friend who's related to Johnny Carson came in. Different night tonight. But, anyway - as I was driving home from work and then from buying beer that I will probably only drink two of - I started thinking about Walter Mitty and Danny Kaye.

And noe I'm thinking about more beer, a snack and popping in some good background noise while I sleep the sleep of the just.

The I will wake up for the second job at 9 am - and then will utilize all of my Walter Mitty-ness. I will use a common fountain pen's componets to help repair medical machinery to save a mans life. I will think about Batman and Jason Todd coming back from the dead. I will think of the cast of charcters in two screenplays that I've written that I can never get a final draft of. I will be thinking Emperor Palpatine and pricks of the finger on golden spindles.

fafdfdsahjfdsje

Even Though...

I've lived in OC/LA almost all of my life -

I have no idea where I live.

I don't know cities.

I don't know freeways, I don't know how to get anywhere.

I once tried to go to a AAA (not AA), and wound up at Disneyland.

I always ask about city names and where it is, even though I've been everywhere.

I don't pay attention. Maybe I should. I spent a couple of summers going to the beach all of the time and would now need a Thomas Guide to get there. I get nervous and start to sweat if I end up driving more than twenty minutes.

I have never driven to LA by myself, even though I've driven to San diego, Joshua Tree, San Jose and Las Vegas.

I don't know anything.

Everybody can do things that I can't.

Yet, I've travelled at least through half of the US by myself.

Dichotomous dickhead w/no, or a great sense of non-direction?

Lazy? Yes.

Funny? Yes.

Hopeful? Yes.

Helpless? ALWAYS.

A Paypal Donation Of $2.95 Will Get You...

A personalized secret from me.

This will be something that I haven't told anybody else. Ever.

Hopefully this will not be forwarded or used as blackmail to my girlfriend.

I have a lot of secrets.

Paypal link on the left, lover...hubbahubba

Ten dollars will get you the gay ones.

The link is on the left, bubba...

I Am The Lonely Creature In The Dagobah Swamp...

The clock ticks by slowly at work. Five pm seems very far away. You think of all of the cool things that you could be doing right now even if you don't actually do any of them when you get home. The grass is always more exciting on the other side of the fence. I have friends who will smoke your lawn. I need to close the door. Somebody turned on the air conditioning. Time to smoke. When I do that - my phone will ring. I bet you. Watch......

If You...

Had a boring time at a strip club tonight,

would you chalk it up as a mistake -

or still as a success?

Don't Make Me Turn This Car Around...



Okay. That's it.

I think I'm ready to go now.

To your town, country, island, whatever.

I'm ready to leave. Just let me pack some booze and arrange storage rental for my comic books, toys and girlfriend. Not necessarily in that order of preference.

If you want to sell me on why I should move to a place that you know of...

Please - let me know.

Hurry.

Thanks.

I Am...

Not the security guard singing Al Green to himself at 3 am as I was leaving work.

Weird sentence, I know.

Weird, lonely job? Yes.

Worse than bartending? Yes.

Impossible? Apparently not.