Fat Free Milk

Wednesday, April 29, 2015

I'm having a healthy amount of optimism about life lately...YEAH. ME. DRAFFFFTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

POSITIVITY/HOPE

It's nice and refreshing. It feels like fancy sparkling water with lime. Like puppy smell. Like babies when they aren't pooping or screaming. When you stick your adult nose right on top of their wispy baby head and smell deep and fully and I don't know why it's made of so much content magic but we all write about it soitmustbetrue. Like inflating a balloon. Like a car wash, a fragrance-free body wash or like refresh drops on my contacts. A glimpse of fireflies. Like remembering to do something nice for somebody and actually doing it. High fives and friends that you've known for more than 20 years.

REALITY/DESPAIR

The Hindenberg, Roanoke, The Titanic band's water-logged mix tape CD, free health care, DK2 by Frank Miller. A good eggs benedict. Inevitable drought and an impending, catastrophic earthquake in my favorite contiguous united state. Episode 1 and 2.

I never thought I was that great anyway. I write like I speak. Like Yoda with Strep Throat. Like Marlee Matlin drunk. Like Jabba without Bib Fortuna. Like...fershure.

I just scratched my head before I started writing. Do people actually do that? I'm a cartoon.

I'm ridiculous.

Yet, you're the one here...READING THIS.

Tuesday, April 21, 2015

I Wrote A Thing For A Thing And They LIKED IT...

I can't put it here before the magazine comes out but...it's been a while since I've had something in print. I'll show you when it comes out. It makes me happy and it's about something totally cool!

I DID miss a deadline for submissions for CSUF though. I didn't MISS IT but more like, wrote a huge number of rants and things but they were not ready to be published - so, I didn't.

That's what a couple of those messes were below.

It would've been a bummer anyway for some.

Maybe good for some.

But, I'm not going to let you read CRAPPYEMOTIONALEMOCRAP.

That's what Fat Free Milk is for and HAS BEEN for the last 13 years!!!

Saturday, April 18, 2015

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone, Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone, Silence the pianos and with muffled drum Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come. Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead, Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves, Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves. He was my North, my South, my East and West, My working week and my Sunday rest, My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song; I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong. The stars are not wanted now: put out every one; Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun; Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood. For nothing now can ever come to any good. W. H. Auden

This was the best thing that I've written today.

That sentence that you just read above.

I would doubt that it was the best sentence that you've read today.

I don't know. I don't know anythjing about your day. I don't know what was good and what was bad, what worked and what didn't maybe just possiblt that what little that I did maybe helpe a little bit even if it was nothing because...remeber...I havent really written anything yet.

I havent gotten aropund to telling you about glacier-like progression of my depresseion and the regression of I dont even know what to say

I know that its hard to get out of bed but that its hard to keep my heart inside of my body because it needs more blodd pumping through it. My heart needs more hearts too. Ive proven that its a loving thing but it also wants to eat your hearts brains

you, know – I can talk about work and how it's killing me slowly and that maybe my work is like cancer but then when I start typing that I feel like a horrible human being when I have opeople that I know that have dided of cance and a friend even now going through chemo. So im a dick. A worthless, uncaring, selfidsh dick. So. I don't know what to write about. I know that my body is slowly failing me and that I drink too much and smoke too much and that I was very proud of myself for quitting both of thoase things recently. But then, I got treated to dinner at a fancy restaurant and really didnt give a fuck. Anf thats my problem. I care too much but dont gve a fuck. But im getting old now. I give a fuck. I really do.

I dfont know whats going to happen to me and I dont know where im going to end up but im scared about being here, doing the same things. Making the same relationship mistakes and just being here birng here bieng here. It hasnt worked before and its not going to continue to not work It's just going to stop. STOP.

Anf that'll be it. I've almost died before. TWICE. That sucked. And I was supposed to be stronger after it. I wqas and then I got stupid again. My body and my will is failing. Dwindling, I should say.

What do I want? What do I want to become. Not this. Not sl;owly dying on the vine while drinking it's wine. I'm 40 years old now. I've been writing my whole life. I like it sometimes and sometimes I reqally hate it. What I want is to live the last half of my life and to feel allright about it.

It's time to wake up. Or just slowly die. That's how cut and dried it is. TRUST ME. THRUST ME.

I'm weak, but hopeful. And, now music is playing that was super emo for me back when I was 20. This fucking song...I was so heartbroken, so in love...really....

I hope you're well.

I apologize for ranting, but thank you for reading the rant that you just read.

It was the best thing that ive written today.

im

im going to write like you

im going to write like you would write

im going to write things that other people would like

that they could relate to easier

the stuff that I write

only I like

and sometimes hate

and the stuff that I write

kids would like

when read in storybook form

read

like I write in Kevin Book form

i hate naps

i like snacks

I hate naps

the end

Saturday, April 11, 2015

I've lost it

not my sanity

but

something else

something even bigger than losing your marbles

I've lost will, direction/hope

I don't know if I can get it back

its not about me getting older

it's about what I still feel but can't reach anymore

its about staying in my room for the whole day and night

it's about the oppressive weight of depression

I'll call it it DOPEression

and the fire-ant pains in my phantom brain(s)

I was better once

I thought that I was bad then

now I'm really bad

and I guess that's the lesson of the day

it can always get worse

lows become lower

I know that things have just as much capacity to go the other way too

but

I've lost that positivity also

you were my moon, Miss

and

I miss me

I miss you, Son

All of this and everything

I've lost it

not my sanity

but

something else

something

and everything

Everything and Nothing

Thursday, April 09, 2015

I'm not like them
But I can pretend
The sun is gone
But I have a light
The day is done
But I'm having fun

I think I'm dumb
Or maybe just happy
Think I'm just happy
My heart is broke
But I have some glue
Help me inhale
And mend it with you
We'll float around
And hang out on clouds
Then we'll come down
And have a hangover, have a hangover

Skin the sun
Fall asleep
Wish away
The soul is cheap
Lesson learned
Wish me luck
Soothe the burn
Wake me up

I'm not like them
But I can pretend
The sun is gone
But I have a light
The day is done
But I'm having fun

I think I'm dumb

Monday, April 06, 2015

No attacks by ULTRON.

I think that I'm insane.
I've barely slept.
I came home at 3 in the morning.
Talked to my Father.
Went to breakfast at 8 in the morning. Ordered food but had them put it in a to go box. Had two mimosas.
Decided against sleep and was going to take a shower instead but ended up waking up hours later in my room.
I was too tired.
this is boring.