You Ruined My Night, Jen - I'm Going Home...

This is what i just heard. Now Im listening to fat Free Radio. Chris Rock is bagging on The Trenchcoat Mafia. I just got kicked out of the bathroom at Jen's house. All of the girls are naked and talking about what they think is wrong with their bodies. They actually kicked me out. This is wrong. Everybody I have known - male or female has seen every part of my body. My mother hasn't even seen me naked as much as my gal friends. So...I'm offended. Like I haven't seen anything of theirs. I streaked in front of two of them last weekend. Nakednakednaked. One small hand covering one small package. I must stop, because this is not my computer - and feels weird.

Jason Todd...

If the stupid cat never would've run out in the first place - he never would've gotten his ass kicked. Now he has three functioning legs. This is either sad for the cat, or tempting to a hungry Vietnamese. Or both.

Poppies...

I am in limbo, am at my new second job, behind a desk, trying to be productive. Trying not to twiddle my thumbs. The boss is on vacation and I'm here all alone. This is very strange.

Who Created Ultron?...



I've never had any idea what I was doing. I've never had a plan. I've never fully dedicated myself to anything. And if I said that I had it all figured out - I was lying.

I hope that whatever I'm doing works because I don't want to be content eighty years from now. I want everything NOW. I want to be floating out on a lake, on a boat. Drunk, sun-burned and singing. Nobody will ever know that I killed her. They would never think to look on the lake bottom. But, I'll keep the head as a souvenir. And if the power goes out in the freezer? Who knows. There are always stores that sell ice, right?

I don't know what that was all about.

You get tired sometimes, sometimes you're too lazy too erase or fix shit - because what's the point? You like it. You hate it. You like it better later, hate it more later, etc.

I killed two spiders today. That seems a bit excessive, doesn't it? One I felt sorry for and one I didn't. I'll explain to you why if you ask me.

I want to stay inside forever. I'm sick of talking to people. I want to be Eric Stoltz from MASK, John Travolta from The Boy In The Bubble and Boo Radley from To Kill A Mockingbird all wrapped up into one. I'm probably a bit more Howard Hughes, though. Just without the immense wealth. doh. I don't know.

Ojo...

am content as an outside cat is when you feed it.

Stan Lee As Willie Lumpkin...

Green lantern. Green Hornet. Green Arrow. All superheros. All stupid names. And trust me, in the nerdy comic book world - there's a lot of them. Even the names that are supposed to sound cool suck. Call me...Deadpool! Lame. Actually, there was an older comic book character name Magnus:Robot Fighter. Now that's okay. It's kind of funny too. Because I automatically know what this guy does. He fights robots. That's what I'm going to say next time that somebody asks me what I do for a living. I'm going to tell them that -

-I'm a robot fighter.

-Ha. Wait...what?

-I fight robots.

-What'd'ya mean, like you build them or something?

-No. You're not listening. I fight them. I'm the best. I don't even need gloves or nuthin' too. Arrgghhh. Beep!

Green Arrow dresses like Robin Hood. Gay. He shoots arrows. GayGay.

Green Hornet. Stupid name. Why a green hornet? Is he sick? Why not the Ass-Stinging Hornet? Sounds more threatening. Maybe the You-Might-Be-Allergic-To-Me-Hornet. More life-threatening.

Now, Green Lantern seems like a nice guy and all. Especially now that they've brought him back from the dead and, but - Green Lantern? First, if you're a normal person then you don't know this guys origin and why the hell he's called that. He powers up his super duper green power ring with a green-colored lantern. Wow. Neat. But if he's named after the thing that he gets his power from, then isn't that kind of like Batman calling himself The Yellow Utility Belt?

Lame. Nerd lame. No spellcheck lame. No nerdcheck.

Tad Hamilton...

I just called myself an "ass-munch" for not putting more cokes in the fridge.

I must be really pissed off.

Me llamo Legolas...

I have an uncanny knack when it comes to archery. Blame it on the dad who was a Boy Scout/YMCA/Army/secret government agency/all-American Rambo. I received an archery set as a kid, I remember - but I don't remember anything else but trying to shoot my dickwad brother with it.

For Xmas, I asked my girlfriend for some arrows and asked for her to string the bow that I got for free from a friend from work. I love her even more because she hung out with fat, white, camo vest-wearing hunters while the work was being performed.

Tonight, I was hanging out with a couple of YOUNG friends that I know through work. Ten years younger. I told them that I was like Legolas. And I am. I can always hit any target that I want to whenever I call it. I have a bale of hay that the girl bought me too. I got six bullseyes out of six tries. That's how gifted I am. I can do this now if you ask me.

I think I'm good. I know I'm boasting, but...

THIS IS IT? I'm good at archery?

Fucking archery?

Not math. No, I don't have a photographic memory. I am not Stephen Hawking's evil twin. I am not Radiohead. I am not Da Vinci. I am talented - but swiss cheese talented.

I can shoot an arrow wherever I want.

This is my luck.

Way too fucking late too.

I am an Idiot Savant.

Heavy on the idiot.

Amy The Hutt...

The best type of friend is one that can be birthday-shopped for at the supermarket.

Attention:

World...

Learn how to hold your booze.

Seriously.

I will be holding classes all week.

The Light That Burns Twice As Bright Lasts Half As Quick...



Or something like that.

Working two jobs. Both a far cry from the other. After I am done training with one job, I'll do the other full time. Both require me to dress up. Both require me to be nice. Both require me to be professional. Both are not writing. Both are not comic books. One will pay the bills and give me more money.

What happened to me dying my hair blue? I miss the days of walking in with black eyes, cuts on my arms, and fingernail polish on my fingertips. I miss the hangovers and the unrememberances of the nights and girls before. Wait - maybe not that. Wait - maybe I do. Not. Do. Not.

I miss The Fonz and how he used to bang his fist against shit to make it work. That was so tough. I also miss Al's Place and watching The Fonz jump his cycle over sharks. I miss french fries.

I think I'm going to quit everything and leave this place. I feel like I stopped wandering around in a dark forest right when a rusty, old bear trap clamped around my right ankle. And as more time has passed, all I can do is to move in slow, painful circles while watching myself bleed to death...

I am waiting for my radioactive spider. I want to be taught the lessons of POWER and RESPONSIBILITY. But then, Peter Parker always has a shitload of problems too, so...crap on that whole deal.

I want to move and sell all of my stuff.
I want to be the guy with the accent.
I want to buy more useless shit. Just new.
I want a lot.
I want a pony.
So that I can kick it in the head.
And then run away and blame it on somebody else.

Maybe. Maybe not.

Maybe I should go.

Maybe I should stop.

Ketjak...

So, do you think
that Chewbacca needs
to drag his butt
across the grass
after he poos?

Does he shave down there?

Accomplishments...

I can now honestly say that I have had a beer while watching two friends get married on a cruise ship.
Nice.
I have been constantly drunk since Friday morning.
I need to sleep.

Nick Fury : Agent Of Shield...



God(s), I'm going to clench my fist tightly together and give you the almighty prayer scoop.

I'm gonna lay out the whole battle plan to you. Grab some coffee and a pillow, stoke up your pipe and take a rest, because you may need to be comfortable for my whole expungence.

I. Me. This person writing the words...is the greatest person in the whole universe. I'm going to be your replacement. Sorry to hear it like this, guys, but - I thought that you would appreciate hearing the bad news directly from the source rather than from an in-between/liason/puppet/robot kind of guy.

Like, I said...sorry, buddies - but, I think that your time has come, I mean - you should of really been gone from here, like years ago, man. Seriously.

You suck at your job. I'm much better at it. Playing the self-serving, wrathful, pretend-to-be-all-knowing, wrathful dude. You must understand this. You must give it up. Go home. Lick your wounds far from here. Just go.

Don't fight back for your position. Give it up. The die has been cast. The cards drawn. Here comes the river card. Checkmate. UNO. Yahtzee. You sunk my battleship. Connect Four. Touche. Tag. You're it. Boom. Bomb. Blast, and BLAH. It's all happening to you, baby.

I think that I'm tired of walking on this yellow brick road!, Dorothy said.

W-w-w-w-what about m-m-m-meeting t-t-the w-w-wizard? said The Cowardly Lion.

Dorothy stopped and said, You never can regret someone that you've never met, and it's best to forget all of the things that haven't happened yet.

And The Tin Man said, If I only had a heart!

And Dorothy said, Yeah....me too.

Bok Bok...

Tomorrow, when I'm hiding Easter Eggs - they'll all be in my pants.

I will also be looking for treats at the bottom of beer bottles.

And bunnies will be to busy to furiously hump.

The end.

Delete Yourself...

Found my first grey hair tonight.

I wanted to do something special w/ it.

So I ate it.

Older Post Than Thou...

I'm so confused. I just found out that my old grade school has a website. It was a random thought that crossed my mind and one Google search later?...I'm transported back to a time that I remember well, but seem to have forgotten at the same time. There's a picture of the school posted on the site that makes me think of my first day of kindergarten, almost being blown away by the wind in storm when I was in second grade...being a bad boy in sixth...so many memories that would probably bore you to death...I remember how fortunate I was to go to a good school, and I remember how straight-fucking-insane all of the children were in the city that I grew up in. I swear, there must be something in the water because everybody I knew was hilarious, but would kill you in a second. Too much of an overload, I'll tell ya'.

Here's something else...there was a staff list on the website. Most of the names were unfamiliar, but my second grade teacher still teaches there! Yeah, the one who screamed when I opened up the door during that windstorm. I got off of the bus last. It was a horrible, rainy, and windy day. I'm thin now, but back then I looked like a little balloon. I was about as heavy as a kitten. I made the mistake of trying to peek into my older brother's fifth grade class like I always would. The class would wave. I'd make a funny face and the teacher would playfully throw something at me. I started to move towards the windows of my brother's classroom but almost got knocked off of my feet. The big-ass, stupid, adult umbrella that I had, captured the wind and almost carried me away. One foot wasn't touching the ground. I had to hold on to a pole so I wouldn't fly away. I'm serious. I was holding on with all of my strength and could see the laughing heads of my brother's class through the windows. Some were pointing at me. Some looked like they were laughing so hard that they were crying. No one was helping. Visions of Julie Andrews in Mary Poppins went through my head. Did they think I was kidding? I wasn't. I was seriously in danger of being lifted into the air. Everybody would've been really sad if months later they found a thin, little skeleton stuck in a tree somewhere.

I don't know how I did it (maybe I put pebbles in my shoes), but I started to walk to class. I, of course, took the long way around with nothing to duck under. The rain was hard and howling. I tried to make it from pole to pole. My umbrella would flip inside out, I'd face the wind and then it would correct itself. When I opened up the door, it banged open. I don't remember how I shut it. All I remember was the silence. Every head in class turned to look at me. I saw a room full of little mouth "O's". I could hear the dripping of my clothing on the linoleum floor beneath me. Everybody laughed until my teacher screamed, "Oh my god!" and then was promptly arrested for preaching her bullshit religion in my class. No, just kidding. She swooped me up in her fat arms (maybe she wasn't fat, y'know? She could've been normal-sized. Maybe I was just so small that she seemed like a huge ol' fatty. I bet she was quite hefty though. Aren't all grade school teachers?) and put me in some room that I'd never seen before with a washer and dryer and started to take off my clothes!!! She got this weird look in her eye when she started to undo my wet jeans. Just kidding, you perverts! I'll tell church stories some other time. Ha. She took my clothes and put them in the dryer and searched for something for me to wear. I'd kill for a picture of the twenty pound second grader with the Beatles hair, shivering alone in a school laundry room. Actually, you would too, huh? You pervert! NO, SHE CAME BACK WITH AN OVER-SIZED PAINTERS SMOCK! I had to sit in class wearing only a multi-colored, blotchy, painters smock. It looked like something Boy George would wear.

They finally contacted my mother, which scared me even more. My mother was a drunk and Vietnamese-I don't know which is worse. I guess I'm still trying to figure it out, because I guess I'm both right now too. Ha. Yoo reciv petic justuff!, my mom says. See, I've never looked like I was a half-bastard Asian. My fathers strong and stubborn Irish genes kicked the asses of the gook genes that were in my body, so there ain't no slanty eyes on this face. I'm also not devoid in the crotch area either. Thank you, Ireland.

Fuck. Where was I? Oh yeah...drunk, gook mothers. I was terrified that she was coming to school to pick me up. I was surprised too because, she'd never been there before. Was she going to get the class drunk? Two hours later, when she came-I got lucky because they just told me that she was there and I could meet her instead of her coming into my class. She probably would’ve embarrassed me by taking down the address of every classmate of mine and recording the name of their pets. But it might have saved us money on food, so who knows? My little sister was there too. She must have been about...shit; she's four years younger than me. How old is one when they're in second grade? Anyway, she was small and whimpering in the passenger seat when we were driving home. The storm had turned worse. My mother wasn't drunk, but remember...she's Asian. So instead of driving fast and avoiding all of the flying shit all over the place, she drove about ten miles an hour. Everything that was moving through the air was faster than us. I saw a huge tree branch crashing down and fall behind us, blocking the road. My mutha didn't notice. I think she was singing along to The Steve Miller Band. Oh yeah, also? My little sister was probably already taller than my mother by that age.

We made it home and then my mother tried to drink me. End of story.

Sorry about that, ol' chap. I don't know where that came from. I ignored the story about my sixth grade teacher. Not much about him anyway except that he looked like Chuck Norris and would get red-faced furious at me every time that I called him that. I should call him up. I swear! Oh my god! I sound like an adult now; I don't think I have the balls for it. Do I? I want to call him and say, "Hi Chuck!" just like I always used to. I could tell he wanted to bash my fucking head in when I said that. He'll know it's me, won't he? If I did that I wouldn't be able to eat in the school cafeteria now, like I want to. Which leads me to my last part......

One final thing that I noticed on the website of my elementary school was the menu. I don't know why they have that on the site. Maybe it's kind of smart. Kids must dig it because then they could see when the pizza and the grilled cheese sandwiches are being served and ask for junk from home on the other days. Maybe all of the dirty, hippie parents can check up on the menu too, and see when the school's serving something veggie-friendly. Anyway, guess how much a school lunch was when I was a kid? One dollar. Not that bad. You got the main dish, three sides, a dessert, and a milk. The poor kids had a discounted lunch for thirty-five-fucking cents. Dudes, I'm not old. I'm an eighties kid, but thirty-five-fucking cents is the shit. I mean that in a good way. So guess what the price is now? I'm gonna smoke...I'll let you think about it for a while..................
................
......
Okay, I'm back......
.....
THE PRICE IS STILL THE FUCKING SAME! Can you believe that? Is that the one thing in the world that hasn't risen in price? Wow and double-ass Wow. Poor kids can still get a lunch for thirty-five-fucking cents? Who are they sponsored by, McDonalds?

Hail Mary, y'all. I apologize for my vile verbosity.

Vini Vidi Vietnamese.

Good night...

And Their Bruce Lee T-Shirts Will Continue To Chop Away At The Elements Until They Become Rags Of Fury...



If I was given a dollar from St. Ojos everytime I rubbed my eyes, I'd be a blind billionaire.

Weezer's coming out with a new album. So is Beck. Beastie Boys should. They need to re/reinvent the wheel again/better than their last couple of attempts. It's not an age thing, it's just more of an I EXPECTED BETTER OF YOU thing. We Are Scientists rock your dog's intestines and NGUYEN 5 kicks bloody arse.

I have no idea why I started to write about music. I hate writing about music as much as I hate writing about politics, philosophy and religion.

I used to write for a couple of music magazines. I don't anymore because I'm too old to be stupid(er)(est)(ewey).

I'm not particularly tired. Not too angry. Not sad at all. And maybe that's the problem. I want monetary and ambulatory obligations non-existent. I want to float around on hover-discs and to chop off heads with a hybrid chainsaw/sword. If I can't have this tonight, I'll have this in dreams. I want nothing. I don't even know why I'm writing. This is all crap. It seemed like a lot more way back before I smoked a cigarette and brought out all the ingredients for the food that I was going to make that I know that I now won't eat.

It's late.

Boom.

What was that?

-don't know, man. what'ya talkin' bout'?

That noise. You didn't hear it?

-idiot. no. what?

Aw. Forget it. Nothing.

I'm going on a three-day cruise soon to Baja or something for my friend's marriage. I will not be coming back, I've decided. I will not be back on the boat when it sails away. I'll be like Daniel Stern from Born In East L.A. and get hired as a door guy/promoter person. No I won't. That's pretty much what I do now. Talk to people that I don't care about and try to get them interested in the things that I'm getting paid to pimp. Yeah. Forget it, Bubba.

I might have a new job soon, though. I won't care about that either. The only occupation that I care about is my breathing job. Sometimes, I don't do this well either. I am more Jaga than Panthro. You are either Wily Kit or Wily Cat. Annoying. Stay still. My thoughts require effort and intense concentration.

I can feel the wheel turning. I can hear it squeaking. I am too poor and lazy to oil it. I am afraid of its progress. I am not strong enough to slow it down. I can, at least, kick some sand in front of it. Can't I, at least, lay in front of it? Some days I might bite it. Some days, it rains hard, and the wheel gets stuck in the mud. I laugh and cackle towards the sky and THEN I find the energy to dance wildly around the wheel. I pull down the rags around my waist and piss on the wheel. Making sure that no inch is left uncovered. I become brave. The clouds will part, though. The mud will dry and become parched. Hard. Flaky. Making it easy for the wheel to resume its progress. There will be nothing else for me to do. I won't be wearing shoes, let alone cleats. My tired feet will already be rubbed raw. I'll just sit and let it roll over my legs. Nobody will expect anything out of me by then. Nobody will ask me any more questions. They'll just see me as a regrettable speed bump in the path of inevitable progress. The vultures will continously shit on me and wait for me to die. They'll wind up fighting over what isn't there. Ghosts will fight for my energy. Most of this will dissipate. My energy will dissapate like early morning shower steam.

The only thing that I ask for is to be legendary. Legendary for all of the wrong reasons, but legendary all the same. I want people to read books about me, to drink more than they normally would and to puke on their significant other's head. I want them to regret emulating the easy and lazy aspects of my being and to remember harder than I did on what it means to make the machine work when you put your mind to it. I want them to try harder to get to know me and what I could've become. This would basically be a mirror to my life. The combination of strong and weak will, the combo of greatness and utter destruction. To be Dalai Lama/peaceful. To be Hitler/self-righteous/brutal. To be oatmeal/sticky/grey/watery/hard-rock/sludge.

This is me today and every day.

Now Neil Diamond is on.

This means no spell check.

This means goodbye.

For now.

Running Of The Vodka Redbulls...

So far, The Rev. KMal has made my girlfriend stand on patio furniture and not able to get down unless she smoked a cigarette with me - thrown bottle caps at the next door neighbors window until he came out, and then sprayed beer all over him, forced him to take a shot of crap that I would never, ever drink. I'm managing to terrorize my house and all of my surroudings. I will get everybody to do what I want until I grow tired of it. Yhis is my plan. I am in the mood. I am cleaning my teeth with my lovely tongue. Tongue is a fun word to spell. I am not drunk yet, but I will get there;. I will make this happen. I want to cause trouble tonight, because I'm Denzel Washington on fire.

Thing I'm Most Afraid Of No. 83...

That when they write about me after I die, they'll say...

'During 1995-2005, he worked various, unremarkable jobs - not really getting into his (fill in the blank here) until kjsahjkhdsjkshdjkhd, etc.'

A Puff of Smoke...

Yeah, I make dinner a lot - and it's never for me. I like to cook because it's something to do while thinking non-thinking thoughts...to...do...while you're standing there thinking, I think. I don't like to eat. I hate it. I'd rather drink things instead. Anything. It doesn't even have to be alcohol-based. I just need liquids. I can never NOT have anything to drink by me. Beer seems to be the most fun.

And I'm very proud of myself. I'm so very skinny still. An old bastard with creaking everythings trapped in a dried-out, brittle toothpick tower. Yet, you can pick me up and hear things sloshing around in my head. Where's that come from, you wonder? He's kind of like those African rain sticks that you can purchase at the mall. And then you gingerly set me back down.

I will stay forever like this until the cancers and preservatives start to eat me away like ravenous termites with buck teeth. I am a peeling Mona Lisa. Each bead of sweat is paint thinner.

I am not hungry. I am not hungry. I am not hungry. Yes I AM. I want to split your skull and slurp out everything except your brain. I need everything and want nothing all at the same time. I will not stop. Ever. I do what I want. Always.

There's your goddamn appetite.

Fatty.

Why I'm A Good Boyfriend, Reason No. 5498754376...

Me - (from the computer) Hi honey!

Her - (from the bedroom) I just watched a dsahklshwihwgrblgrh!!!

Me - What?

Her - I just watched a new Good Charlotte video.

Me - Eeewww.

Her - It was actually pretty good.

Me - I hope they fucking die.

Aayla Secura's Blue Boobs...

If I watch the new Star Wars trailer one more time - I will become THE BIGGEST NERD EVER IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD.

You're Eating Maggots, Michael...

So, I almost caught a glimpse of Kiefer Sutherland on Saturday night. Rumor had it that he was around, and he was. After making a bunch of Lost Boys jokes, I left the patio of the bar that I was at and used the bathroom. Of course, two minutes after that-he passed by my friends. Not that big of a deal - but, I think that that was the only chance I ever had for eternal life - and I blew it. Stupid me. But then I'd have to let a man bite me on the neck. Hmmm...worth it? Maybe. I'd let The Count from Sesame Street bith me first, It's hurt less and he's just a puppet. We both have the same skin tone, don't y' know. Isn't that nice. I'd let Alliyah/Queen Of The Damned bite me, though. Dead or not. Blacula's okay too.

I Am More Raw Umber Than Your Burnt Sienna...

I bet Crayola stock used to go up
everytime some dummy used the term 'colored people'.