Whatcanigetcha?...

I bartend on Sunday nights now. I've done it before, but always in the day. I had a guy fall off of his barstool already. I saw him do it when I was outside smoking. I didn't even know that him and his friends were drunk when they came in. I just thought that he was naturally a loud and friendly guy. I can't ever tell when people are fucked up. Drugs, booze, or whatever. I think everybody is weird. I'm pretty naive too. I'm one of those guys that never know when a person is strung out on something. I live in a happy dodo land where nobody does drugs. I can't tell. I always act like I'm on crack, and I've never even seen the stuff. Oh, wait...that's a lie. I was in a Denny's on Sunset once and a man stood up on one of the toilets and asked me if I'd like some. I declined. Flushed. Zipped. Got out of there. No Chris Rock, New Jack City for me.

I think I did okay. Nobody died. I didn't have to get all ninja on anybody's ass. I engaged in a lot of meaningless conversation. I guess Sunday nights will be the new hang out for my friends. They're all good tippers too. Bad drunks, but good tippers .I'm a good drunk and a good tipper. I'm really good at tipping over drunks too.

Some girl grabbed me and started dancing with me. I felt kind of foolish though because of my gimpy leg. I smoked a lot. My girlfriend came in for a drink and I messed hers up. I guess I'm an okay bartender, though. I'd rather have me behind the bar than someone else. I'm nice. I smile a lot. I laugh at your jokes. I pour strong drinks. I want to make you poor. Give me your money so that I can put my twelve children through college. Give me your money so that I can go to college twelve times. Or give me your money so that I can spend twelve hours a day making collages. Or just spending my time brushing with Colgate.

Best part of today? I'm talking to another drunk guy outside, and a small black kid came up and asked us if we wanted to buy some candy. The drunk guy asked him how much and the kid told him five dollars. The drunk guy said that he couldn't have sugar. But being drunk was? Anyway, the kid then said that he could take donations and the drunk guy gave him ten bucks. Then the kid asked the drunk guy if he'd like any candy and the drunk guy said no. The kid's face lit up, he said goodbye, and then started to dance down the street. Dancing. Really. Kind of shuffling and skipping along. I should have bought all of his candy, so that he didn't have to walk around asking fat, drunk, humans if they wanted any...

AND I should have bought him a drink for one of those Kit Kat's...

Confession Can Be Quick...

I used to hump my bedpost when I was a kid.
I also used to hump the basketball pole in the front yard.

That's it.

Question Club...

Ask me a question as hard as you can.
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Stick Em' Up, Bugsy...

When I was young, I used to get in trouble a lot. I'd do wacky crap for no reason. Tear my clothes off, break something, name it - I did it. So punishment was a daily occurence. When my mother was around, punishment was different. If i was bad, I had to hold my hand out and get whacked with a...chopstick. No foolin'. And if I was badder, I had to stick both off my hands against the wall. I couldn't turn my head, or talk. If I was lucky, I got the side of the wall that had the calender nearby, and you could kind of discreetly sneak glances at it for entertainment, this lasted for hours sometimes. That's why I can't keep my mind still nowadays. My overactive imagination was a childhood survival mechanism. Now, if I was badder-er, I got the belt. Right on my ass. This was my fathers territory. He wore big belt buckles. He was a Texan. They all have big belt buckles. He always said it hurt him more than it did me. Uh huh. Yeah, whatever you say, pops. You've got the belt. You know what was scarier than his belt buckle? His face. It'd get all red and splotchy, and spit would start flying out of his mouth. He looked like a cartoon. I'd imagine steam coming out of his ears and a whistle blowing like in the cartoons...

See? Like I told you...

Survival mechanism.

Doris The Thinkasauras...

You know, it's pretty sad when you have to go brush your teeth for inspiration. Anyway, I was thinking that maybe I shouldn't have started to brush them if I wanted to smoke, so now I can't - and I thought that it kind of sucks that I have to go to sleep. I guess I don't have to, but I'm trying to be good and at least have my body in bed by 2 a.m. I mean, what else can I do? A lot of stuff, I know, but people start getting up three hours from now and the sun comes up, birds start playing the guitar, etc. When that shit is happening and you're still up, it gives you an icky feeling, like you've been bad.

The other thing that I was thinking about was how cool it would be if there were two worlds, or at least like, two societal schedules. Kind of like if you had two seperate lunch periods in high school. I want the world to start according to my internal alarm clock. I want to be productive along with everybody else. If it's dawn, and I think that a beer would hit the spot, I want to see you at the bar. I know Vegas is like this 24/7, but that doesn't count. That's a special place - like Disneyland. I want the world to be my own personal Denny's. Where I can get what I want at anytime of the day, and where all strange behaviour goes unnoticed.

That's it, I think. Lick it.

Rotten: No Irish, No Blacks, No Dogs...

Pretty anticlimactic arrival at work. It was slow and I was out of there early. It was frustrating not being able to walk as fast as I wanted. I just looked at the TV, and Ray Liotta was limping just like me. How cute. I'm having deja vu right now about typing about Ray Liotta limping like me, this is freaky. I hate deja vu. I get it real bad sometimes. I used to get it all the time, not as much anymore.

So, my friend called me last night and told me to take down a number. After I was done, I asked him what the hell it was for. With my friends, you never know. He said it was the number for a reality show. I tried out for one of the Big Brother's, like, two years ago, I think. I don't think I made it. Ha. Anyway, this one's kind of like ED TV. They follow you around 24/7 and all of that. Am I entertaining enough? Hmmm...yup. Shit, I just threw myself out of a car and am still recovering from it. I would've loved to watch that. I guess I could've held a mirror in my hands when I was doing it.

Anyway, I called. They called back. I'll talk to them tomorrow. If I don't get picked. They can lick it.

Oh, yeah...and if I ever wanted anything on Ebay, it's these two things. Yeah this and this thing. If any of you are millionaires out there, I'll be your court jester monkey boy for them.

Okee-doke.

Here We Are...Face To Face...A Couple Of Silver Spoons...

When I was younger. I used to lie in bed and picture things that I wanted sometimes. Surprisingly, for a Star Wars geek, I never really focused on toys that I wanted. Maybe I had enough of them to satiate my appetite. I never collected comics as a kid. I started to dream about them much later. I spent a lot of time dreaming about being locked in a stone dungeon and finding one that was loose. I'd slide the stone inwards and find a bunch of Amazonian women that would treat me nice. I used to hump basketball poles, but we won't get into that. Thank god, my father never allowed me to have pets.

I used to picture my room full of arcade games. Just like Ricky Schroder's living room in Silver Spoons. I used to conduct interviews in my head. I wanted to be a movie star real bad. I used to pretend that I was Danny from Grease. I skated a lot, but never really thought about it unless I was doing it. I used to pretend I was David Adison from Moonlighting, and had a huge crush on Cybil Shepard. I would imagine that I would get locked inside the mall. That doesn't seem exciting to me now. What the hell would I get now? Who cares? What, decorate the house, take some tools? The books would be cool, I guess, but that's what the library's for, folks. I wish I could live at the mall, though, and just do what I wanted. Eat at the food court for free when you wanted. Open everything. Break shit. Set up a computer and try everything out. Parade around in Victoria's secret lingerie. Wear suits, smoke cigarettes, and spit off the balcony. Masturbate in the elevator. I'd set all of the pets free and let them breed, not feed them, and have to fight for my life. That'd be cool.

Oh, wait...they don't have beer at the mall.

Forget it.

Vacancy...

Ack. Going back to work tomorrow, Hmmm...I don't know how I feel about this. It's good because being hobbled at home is not a good thing, but loads of free time is. I always thought that if I could just sit at home and write, I'd be a content and happy man. This was not always the case in the last month and a half. I need a vacation. Maybe I'll sneak in the luggage when my girlfriend goes to Europe.

So this is my last night of freedom.
Did I finish anything worthwhile?
Let's see...

Kevynn, did you finish a couple of screenplays?

Well, Ummm...I worked on em'.

You should be done with at least a couple final rough drafts, you should have been writing everyday.

Dude, you want to go outside and have a smoke with me?

Stop changing the subject. What else did you work on?

I...uh, wrote a lot on my blog thingy...and I tried to learn more html.

Your site looks the same. And you always write on that thing anyway. So, what else?

I wrote some stories.

Where are they?

In the computer.

Okay. So is porn. Useless, Kevynn.

I submitted a story to Marvel!

That was this week. What were you doing for the other month and two weeks?

Ummm...sleeping, I guess.

And playing video games, writing on other people's blogs, drinking and watching T'V. I thought you hated TV?

I do, it was just hard to move and -

Shut up. you suck. Goodbye.


I just tried to dial the number of my conscience.
All I got was an echo.
I think it's mad at me and moved out.

IKEA...

I try to avoid the place. Too many people. Too big. Even more difficult to be at if you're walking with a cane. I spent almost three hours there the other day with Joe and my girlfriend. They were both excited, at least. Joe was ready to buy stuff for his new pad and my girlfriend gets so excited that she’s there; she starts to hump the bedposts and bookcases. I tried to have a good attitude about the whole experience, and like to think that I've always had an uncanny ability to entertain myself in even the direst of circumstances. I tend to not get to too imaginative though, when I'm in a shopping environment and can't buy anything. The cheap things that they have are interesting, though. People watching is too. I spent most of my time reading the books that they had in the fake little habitat set-ups. IKEA arranges bedroom, living room, and office displays to help you visualize the practical and decorative applications for all of their junk. I found the choice of books set up in the displays funny and kind of interesting sometimes, and even wanted to steal an Isaac Asimov book that I saw. I wonder where they pick all of them up? Garage sales have more interesting choices.

I had fun in one of their fake kitchen set-ups. I walked around, and out of habit, tried to turn on the water. Nothing came out of course, but that made me think of that Twilight Zone episode where that couple got plastered at a cocktail party and woke up in a strange bed and didn't remember anything other than driving home the previous night. They were clothed. That never made any sense to me. The story would've been a lot better to me if the had woken up amidst empty taco bell wrappers, smuggled bottles of booze, and used condoms. Everything was fake. The phone came off of the wall. The trees and grass outside were fake too. They tried to take the train out of there and it only returned them back to where they started. Giggling too. They heard giggling a lot and eventually located the source when a huge hand came out from the sky and plucked them out of the town. I don’t remember if the hand belonged to an alien girl or one that looked normal, but her father picked her up a couple of pets on his way to a tiny Earth. Blah Blah. Cool episode, I’ve just seen it too many times. The man’s wife was a bitch, too. I remember that.

Anyway, walking around the kitchen made me think of that episode. When the couple tried to open the fridge, they found fake play food. I found empty containers. I wish I had some real food to throw in it, to throw the next guy for a loop. I also had the urge to leave the store and buy a six-pack. Even if I only had the time to enjoy one beer. It would've been worth it to start a card game at the kitchen table or something.

Maybe next time.

In another couple years.

Yesterday...

I saw a baby possum that looked like a beany baby.
Hid eggs.
Realized everybody, when preparing for holidays...is nuts.
Drank.
Had kids sing 50 cnt lyrics to me.
Ate.
Played a lot of video games.
Watched some really embarrassing things Im ashamed to admit on MTV.

And had a fun day considering it was Easter.