Henry David Thoreau Was A Pussy...

Yeah, part of my birthday thingy / extravaganza is I'm going away for the weekend. Where am I going? Vegas? Catalina Island? Fantasy Island, boss? Disneyland? Some swanky hotel? Yes, all of those. No. I'm going to Joshua Tree National Park, Bono. Yup. It'll be at least 100 degrees tomorrow and 104 on Saturday. Don't try to rob my house either, you cretins - because I'm gonna have somebody staying here while I'm gone. His name is Bubba. He spends time in and out of prison. He is strong. He has boyfriends. Yeah.

Anyway, it is fun, though. I like it up there. Nobody is around. You can drink yourself to oblivion, talk to coyotes, burn a lot of things and forget a can opener so that you have to use a knife to get to your food. Sweating is good. You don't even have to have sex with somebody that you met in a bar to get that way. I won't be climbing around on the rocks like my usual monkey self, though. I'm a little handicapped now. I'm bringing my cane, just in case. I'm also bringing Justin Timberlake. You never know when he might come in handy.

So, It's getting late and I'm making last minute preparations. Guess what we don't have yet? Hmmm...a tent. Firewood. Ice. Directions. Small stuff. I can't wait to wake up early in the morning. Ummm...it makes me feel all giddy just thinking about it. I'm a morning person. Yup. Hell no, I'm not. I'll wake up if you have a gun pointed to my head. I'm one of those types that never likes to go to sleep, suffers from bad insomnia, but when I'm actually asleep - the last thing that I want to do is wake up. Mi ojos es treiste.

When I'm away, I'm going to make friends with all of the coyotes. All of the Mexicans too. Coyotes first. I'm not going to shave. I've never been able to grow a beard. I've always wanted to, but it just wont happen, folks. I can only grow a mustache. It's kind of embarrassing after a couple of days without shaving. I look like a cross between Genghis Khan and Cheech Marin.

Wish me luck, bastards......