Thursday, November 09, 2006

I woke up at 8 a.m. to beat the crowds at the DMV. When I've done this in the past, there's always been a line of about fifty people waiting for it to open anyway. So, I was expecting to wait a bit - but happy to wait the thirty minutes, as opposed to the obligatory two hours without an appointment. (I had actually scheduled an appointment for the day before - but forgot because I'm a douchbag.)

Lo-and-behold, it took me a grand total of five seconds to walk through the door and get help. When I received my number, I stood around, looking to see what number was up next...mine! Hmmmm....Interesting.

Now, no matter if the actual three employees that I came in contact with spoke to me like a judge does to a pedophile awaiting trial.

Forget that all of the previously mentioned employees looked like a constipated manatee, a sloth with a cleft lip and a roach with something in his teeth - forget all of this.

Forget why I was there - forget that I don't really know anything about rules, laws and about how society functions and that no matter what and no matter where I am - I'll always end up owing money to something because, once again - I'm a douchebag.

What's most important. What really matters about all of this - is that...

Something that's a given, the way that something always works - (at least in my world) didn't happen today.

It's kind of like, if you always forgot not to lean against the oven and then one day? Hey, no burning! Or maybe if you realized that now that you're home from a buffet-filled Vegas trip - you never took a dump once? Going out at a bar and no jock fights? Seriously? Having all of your monthly bills lower than you expected? Really?

Yeah, long-winded diatribe, I know.

BUT - listen to me. This kind of crap makes me nervous. The whole, something-cool-and-unexpected-and-actually-convenient-for-me-thing. Not used to it, don't like it, don't trust it. SO. I need to do something to counter-balance what happened to me this morning at the DMV. I need to do - what then?

Ahah! I've got it! I'm going to do something horrible to something nice that I usually encounter. Like, be rude to people that work at businesses that I frequent. I can save all of my dogs poop and then at night lay the piles out strategically all over the park for people to step in. I can overcharge people when I bartend and "short pour" their drinks. I will pinch little children's eyelids when their parents aren't looking.

It's all about balance. Never trust luck or fate. Random acts of pleasantness fortell impending doom. Beware.



Boz said...

How do you know what a judge looks at a pedophile like?

Fat Free Milk said...

My father was a judge, young man.

Lucky Star said...

That really is some scary shit. It sort of leaves you reeling. Looking around guiltily for...something...