Who Changes Baby New Years Diapers?...

This year I managed not to get mauled by a pack of wild dogs. That's good.
I rarely kicked anyone in the crotch.
I managed to infuse my body with just about as much booze as oxygen.
I fought balding for another year.
I lost weight. Now I weigh 135 instead of 136.
I read things other than porn.

I stopped visiting your mom.

She says to write her, by the way. And to send money.

Happy New Year, you bastards!

I have something(s) to tell you...

I curse IKEA for what it does to my girlfriend.

Please cry me a river. I can't get that stupid
Justin Timberlake song out of my head even
though I've only heard it reluctantly in the last month.

New Years Eve means more work for me.

I hate car insurance. I'm scared of cops right now.

I have a new record player and am playing Perry Como.
Does that make me hip, or a complete, fucking idiot?

Should I post a picture of myself on this site? I'd be scared to do it.

Have you scrolled down to my links and talked to my new-and -improved-gothic-Hives-lead-singer-robot?

I'm going to play Castle Risk tonight.

And I'm gay.


Thank you for your support.

How's It Feel, Bitch?...

Huh? Nose back to the grindstone yet?
Need some coffee?
That fat whore from QA is still wearing her perfume too strong,
except now she's wearing her new Christmas perfume and it's vanilla-scented.
The obnoxious, fat tech guy is talking too loudly about what he got for Christmas.
Your supervisor left you a fat stack of shit to work through before you even took your coat off.
You are in debt.
There are new rules posted somewhere about...something.
Seeing the Two Towers still did nothing to erase your memory of this place.


Welcome back to work, you fuckers.

Why Is It Always Cats And Dogs?...

Tom's always chasing Jerry.
Itchy and Scratchy.
Not Ren and Stimpy.
Rex chased Heathcliff.

Who else?

Let's stop this cat on dog and dog on cat crime.

His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
There's vomit on his sweater already, mom's spaghetti
He's nervous, but on the surface he looks calm and ready
To drop bombs, but he keeps on forgettin
What he wrote down, the whole crowd goes so loud
He opens his mouth, but the words won't come out
He's chokin, how everybody's jokin now
The clock's run out, time's up over, bloah!
Snap back to reality, Oh there goes gravity
Oh, there goes Kevynn, he choked
He's so mad, but he won't give up that
Is he? No
He won't have it , he knows his whole back city's ropes
It don't matter, he's dope
He knows that, but he's broke
He's so stacked that he knows
When he goes back to his mobile home, that's when it's
Back to the lab again yo
This whole writing shit
He better go capture this moment and hope it don't pass him

And that's my post.

Thank you, yo.

Choose Your Sides Carefully...

It's better to drink at a bar than to be the bartender behind it.

I'm tired.

good morning.

Horrible Crap Part 1...

The Never Ending Story.

I know you all like it
- especially you girls -
but I could never stand that fucking film.
My father always used to stick me in summer school
when I was in the elementary grades because he was afraid
I'd kill somebody while he was away at work.

It just made me want to kill everybody who went there. The teachers looked tired. They didn't want to be there either. They treated you like shit. It was hot. They tried to use ice cream parties as treats. Gee, 50 cent ice cream. Roll over. Play dead. Who cared? Everybody except me. That's why everybody's fat now and I'm not, I guess. Anyway, on Fridays, regular lessons would be cut short and we watched movies in the dark. Which was better than the normal routine. Classrooms always looked better with the lights off, I'd always get disappointed when they turned them back on. Where were all the staff? Smoking pot in the teachers lounge? Making out in the photo labs? I hated going to summer school for no reason, but hated the movies that they'd make me watch more. Fuck, even in classes during the regular school year - they'd throw movies at us on rainy day recesses. Is that all that they could think up? Why didn't they stick us all in the gym and give us sticks and watched us beat the shit out of each other? Movies? I know, kids eat up anything on the screen. Even if they've seen it a million times because it's different watching it at school. But, c'mon. Condor Man? All the Herbie/Car movies. The Apple Dumpling Gang. Witch Mountain Whatever. Sucky.

But in summer school it seemed like they showed it every week. The stupid Never Ending Story is right. I'd be in agony. Stupid boy. Stupid flying dog. Stupid talking rocks. Stupid movie. Now The Dark Crystal! That was cool. How come they never showed Star Wars at my school? Only the same movie every week. The same soon-to-be pep squad girls crying at the end of the movie when the boy, Atrau something or other, had to save the universe and read from a book and some princess girl was doing something. Talking. Looking like a princess in a crappy movie. I hate it. I'm gonna buy a copy just to douse in lighter fluid.

The Never Ending Story was horrible crap.


Thank you and good night.

Angels Are Just Fat Ass Babies With Wings...

So if you took away everybody's cars and gave them
a Colobus monkey, Rhesus monkey, Spider monkey, and a Chimpanzee,
All on leashes - and armed with Samurai swords...

Do you think the world would be a different place?

Santa Hates Santana, But Likes Satan...

Nice, but I'm glad it's over.
After all of the stupid New Year crap is done,
then we'll be back to our regularly scheduled programming, won't we?

Good.

To Justin Timberlake...


Merry Christmas.

Legolas Land...

Why haven't I seen The Two Towers yet?

I don't know.

But I do know that I am now done with my Christmas paintings.

I'm the man. Now tell me not to mess with them anymore.

I don't want to ruin them.

Tell me something. NOW.

Your Skin Makes Me Cry...

My knees are giving out.
My hands are covered in rainbow colors.
I'm still not done.
Almost. I hope.
It's late.

Penises take a long time time to draw.

Now I Know Why Van Gogh Cut His Ear Off...

I have to paint three Christmas paintings for various folk...

So it goes...

The Grand Ennui...

Not only is it well-written, it is funny.
Not only should you post a comment on his site-
But you should thank him for having hot chicks on his web site
AND for giving me the best present in the universe besides
the pet monkey that my girlfriend is going to give me...

The mad genius responsible for The Grand Ennui sent me a copy of this in the mail for Christmas...

Fuck Santa Claus...

He ain't got shit on this guy...

Friggin' Christmas...

It's coming up and I am NOT prepared. Financially or mentally.

I've got one question, though.

How's my girlfriend going to wrap up
the pet monkey that she's getting me?

My Girlfriend's Birthday Is Tomorrow...

And she's mad at me because I had people over last night. I need to poo now. Goodbye.

I Feel Sorry For Those Of You Who Don't Drink...

because when you wake up in the morning, that's as good as you're going to feel for the rest of the day. DINO

Now I will give you updates all night, as long as I'm in the house, as to what's going on at the moment...

Just Finished:

Beer 1 - 6:42 pm - I've talked to four or five friends on the phone. They're gonna stop by for some drinks. So that means I better do whatever I want to do soon before anybody gets here. I need to brush my teeth. Stanky.

Beer 2 - 7:41 pm - Girlfriend just called. I'm supposed to call her back when she's drunk. Now me and Mark are slow dancing.

Beer 3 - 8:20 pm - I've already managed to knock the two stupid cat towel holders off with a pink ball I was throwing around. Mark is now playing a drum set that's in the middle of my living room. Courtney's coming over. We need film.

Beer 4 - I just finished playing drums to Micheal Jackson's BEAT IT, and as I sat down to type this, the ASH from ARMYS OF DARKNESS doll that I have next to the computer said, "Groovy!" Not yet. It's still just me and Mark. Another beer done. God save the queen. The cunt.

Beer 5 - 8:55 pm - We're trying to get our rock star friend luis over here. He's mexican, so I told him to fly over here on a tortilla-but he said he's going to show up somehow. I don't know why he can't drive. License suspended or something? Joe's bringing over the film for the camera. I hope Luis doesn't steal it...

Beer 6 - 10:33 pm - Somebody's shooting me with a toy gun. Mark posted " I Hate Jews!" on this site. I had to erase it. We're looking at pictures of Luis' tour in Scotland. My girlfriend is not answering her phone. I put out chips for everyone and I saw Mike Myers ( not the actor ) stick his finger in his nose and then rummage for more chips.

Beer 7 - So now I'm defending myself. There's a crowd around me as I type this. Let me state this...right now...I am not a RACIST. by the way....They say that I'm typing too fast...p.s.....I'M not a racist...

Beer 8 - 11:57 Amy is now opening up Anne's xmas invite. People are shooting balls at me. No, it's not sexual. There's some super-model here. Who the hell is she? I had to take out the trash. And Amy just shot out the toy balls from Mark's xmas present to me from her vagina. Or at least pretended to. Who's this playing on the stereo? The Stones? Somebody smells like Pepporoni...aw fuck it. How do you spell it...it's meat, yo.

Beer 9 - Okay. We're going to play a couple of songs...even the guy from the comic book store is here right now....UPDATE...Camback just asked me if it was okay to plug in his vaporizer? I had to have him explain what it was for...fucking pot smokers....I've never heard that b4...okay I have to play now....

Beer 10/11/12 - Hey, where'd the comic book guy go? I lost count, sorry. Too much has happened. Too much noise and too much foolish shenanigans. Somebody just breathed in my ear. I might give up soon. We played a couple of songs. That was a mistake. Drums in a living room is not good when you have people over. I bought gum at the store too. It was Big League Chew. It reminded me of Little League. Crimson and Clover is playing. Apparently it's a hit because now everybody's making more noise than before.

Beer 13/14/15? - 3:50 am - After the neighbor...is that how you spell it? showed up...I've tried to keep it down. Luis is playing babies breath drums and Ryan is just playing.

Beer Infinity - 6:01 am - All humans must hate me. Her I'm trying to have a conversation with my drummer, who's curled up in one of my nappy ass blankets and all that he wants to do is go to sleep. I'm wide awake, of course. Doing NOW exactly what I wanted to do before, even though I had fun tonight. Not too much fun-but mellow fun. Before sleep, I'm thinking about tomorrow. I will have a smile on my face. I'll have a hard time explaining the night to the girl when she gets back because not much happened. But everything happened though, didn't it? There were a million funny-ass, hilarious conversations and small, smatterings of important life blurbs that made all of tonights nothingness...worth something. Me and Tom reading an old story that we both wrote together, to what? A bunch of small nothing stories. That's it. Breakfast at noon. Goodnight....

punctuation and spelling be damned.

Good night...sweet bastards.

Giving yourself to the TaunTaun...

How the hell do you spell that anyway?
I'm a Star Wars geek, I should know.
Looking up the correct spelling on the internet
would make me geekier though, so I wont.

My girlfriend is in Vegas. I am home alone.
I said I wasn't having a party. I have changed out of my work clothes.
I visited the Toilet Man. He eats your poo poo and your pee pee, y' know.

I will give you a beer report.

Good bye.

December Is Horny...

It's trying to paw me. It claws at me. Grabs my ass and stares at my chest. December's a fuckin' pig. I wish It'd go away.

When this month is over, maybe monetary obligations and all of this freakin', friggin', fuckin' craziness will end. My girlffriend is leaving for Vegas tomorrow. What to do? What to do? I'm not going to Vegas with her because it's birthday thing that she's doing with some of the girls and because I have a penis and I'm not allowed to go. I swear though, one of the girls that she's going with has one, but I'm used to hypocrisy. Mark has been talking about having a party at my house. He always talks about having a party at my house when my girlfriend leaves. I don't know why. He can do whatever he wants here all the time and usually does. Which is nothing. So why a party? Strippers? No. Too expensive. What then? My girlfriend got freaked out and asked what I was going to be doing. I don't think that she understands that my greatest wish, that my greatest desire-is to be trapped on a desert island that resembles my home. I like to write. Do nothing. Stare off into space and think crap. Life crap. Comic book crap. Crap crap. I like to read. I like to masturbate. I like to read about masturbating and read comic books about masturbating. I like to type...M-A-S-T-U-R-B-A-T-I-N-G-...while masturbating. When I masturbate, I like to think about the masters of masturbation. I think about The Masters Of The Universe while masturbating.

SO, I'm probably going to get drunk.
Hang out.
Go out?
If I'm here...tomorrow night maybe I should post after I finish a beer.

Damn, I better go to sleep then, that's about 19 beers...

Then I'll go masturbate.

Poof!...

Is anyone else's archives gone? I've noticed that I cant republish them and get them to show...

What the hell, muthas.

Yet, another boring post...

Ah. Forget What I Said...

You know what's even more boring than writing about books that you haven't finished?

No. Me either.

Before I Go To Bed...

I must do your mom. No. I must remind myself to write my next post on what books I have that I can't finish...YOU SHOULD TOO, IN THE COMMENTS. Whether It's some that you've tried repeatedly or one that was just plain fucking dissapointing after you got all worked up about it...

Actually...kind of like your mom.

Today...

Woke up reluctantly. Should've put in a cartoon or Empire Strikes Back and then just relaxed. Got up. Did some shite on the computer, I don't remember what. Went shopping, bought some presents for the gal friend. The we went to her friends sister's house to pick up a rug for our living room. It looks nice. You could stick a dead dog on the floor and I would say the same thing, though. I'm not too picky about that type of stuff. Her friend's sisters house was cool, though. I'd met her and her husband before at some party that we had here. They have a couple of small, wee, little chillun's that are cute as hell and I hung out with while the women were jabbering away about god-knows-what. The little girl. About Three, I think? Showed me her Disney magic mirror with the hair brush and the lipsticks. The mirror talked to you. She read me a couple of books, and tried to scare me with a frog puppet and then a bug mask. The boy-a little older, I think. Five maybe? Showed me all of his Star Wars. I was impressed and tried not to rub it in his face too much that all of my shit was better than his. But his room looked cool. I was jealous. The father was giving away some movies too, did we want any? Ummmm...HARD BOILED? THE KILLER? BLUE VELVET? THE STREET FIGHTER? RETURN OF THE STREET FIGHTER? and BARTON FINK? Uhhhh...yes? Then we went to the comic book store and I bought a bunch of Spider Man comics. Peter Parker's the shit, yo.

Went home, talked to my sis. Now I've got band practice coming on at 10 pm! Fuck. But it's a joyous fuck, though. Then I'll be back home, putting off sleep and a the following loooong-ass work day.

Soon, I will be rocking out. While visions of sugar plums dance in your head, I will be playing a cover of William Shatner's cover of Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds. Just Kidding. I'll be slamming heroin while fifty groupies rub my...feet. Just kidding. I'll try to kick some ass, maybe. Well see.

The Poo-Slinger...

You ever think that Spiderman has to cut
web-slinging or a fight short due to a intestinal emergency?

Those microwave burrito's will kill ya.

Do you think he carries a travel pack of tissues with him?

I'm A Big Jerk...

Because I havent read The Two Towers. I can't get through it. Two page long descriptions of mountain passages bore me. I liked the first movie and vowed to finish the second book before this movie came out, but...I suck. It sucked. I don't know. So, I'm tempted to sneak away and see the movie right now. It makes me feel guilty that for years geeks had only the books and wished for a movie to come out, and I couldn't get through the second book...

So about The Two Towers...

I have one question about this movie before I see it...

Is there any nudity?
Elven boobage?
Gandalf's crotch?
Frodo's pubes?