FRED - - -

He knew that he was different. But he didn’t care. Sure, maybe he couldn’t walk as fast as the rest of them and maybe he sometimes got stuck and needed help but…a handicap is what you make of it.

Father would be proud.

You think you're old now.

Wait until later.

You'll be REALLY OLD and then look back on today with nostalgia, laments, mistakes/regrets, you'll look back on what you should've done, and the y's and the ynot's, etc.

But, hey - we were only babies years ago and we couldn't even feed ourselves or control our bodily functions. What did we know?

But, we'll be there again. Maybe we're there right now, going through those same things.

You think you're old now.

Wait until later.

YOU'LL BE DEAD.

FUCKING DEAD.

SUNSHINE

I

Am making peace with my life

And am putting together

Hopefully

Something better

More pieces

Towards

A full future

Iminbedanditsdarkandiwrotethisonmytinyphone

I'm Here...

In my office again. Writing about you and realize that I need to quit.

A Journey - By Edward Field

When he got up that morning everything was different:

He enjoyed the bright spring day
But he did not realize it exactly, he just enjoyed it.


And walking down the street to the railroad station
Past magnolia trees with dying flowers like old socks
It was a long time since he had breathed so simply.


Tears filled his eyes and it felt good
But he held them back
Because men didn't walk around crying in that town.


Waiting on the platform at the station
The fear came over him of something terrible about to happen:
The train was late and he recited the alphabet to keep hold.


And in its time it came screeching in
And as it went on making its usual stops,
People coming and going, telephone poles passing,

He hid his head behind a newspaper
No longer able to hold back the sobs, and willed his eyes
To follow the rational weavings of the seat fabric.


He didn't do anything violent as he had imagined.

He cried for a long time, but when he finally quieted down
A place in him that had been closed like a fist was open,

And at the end of the ride he stood up and got off that train:
And through the streets and in all the places he lived in later on
He walked, himself at last, a man among men,
With such radiance that everyone looked up and wondered.

future facebook posts

One home and then I'm going drink

I'm watching a J.K. Rowling biopsy movie on Amazon Prime

I think she's going to get pregnant (MY MOM)

I'd like to keep on talking to you but I'm asleep

GET YOUR OWN DEAD PARENTS

eht prey luhv

Please press NEIN if you mean NO

Please press NIN if you mean Trent Reznor

If you lost your camouflage pants in the woods? You WANT somebody to find you

I'm so glad that my name isn't BILL and that you know whom to pay

If you ever want somebody to donate to your organization? Don't call it, "S.P.E.R.M."

Sincere greetings to you...

Chân thành gửi tới các bạn lời chào thân hữu

Good bye.

God be with, ye'.

Bebe.

Sometimes...

I understand what you're feeling by what you write when I read it.

Is this normal?

I'm thinking that I'm quite the opposite.

There are people that have read more of my writing here and can only glean a gossamer of tendrils of who and what I am in real? life. That was a weird sentence.

I'm much more than my writing, even though it's a huge chunk of my soul. I WILL NEVER NOT WRITE.

I WRITE ALL OF THE TIME.

Not as much as I want to - but I do. Scraps of paper. Jot down things in notebooks, write things on other peoples shit.

It's waves, baby. I'm not you. I'm ME.

I'm a fucking tsunami. I sleep. And then. I'm a fucking tsunami again. And then i'm the quietly lapping pond. AND THEN I'm THHHHEEEeeeee tsunami. The little tsunami. A mini-tempest.

I don't know you better then you see me.

I can't decide what to wear.

snorkel
arm floaties
submarine
just drown

or get the fuck out of the water and stay on dry land
until another siren calls to me

Ahhhh...but you just made me write somewhat about you...

SNORKEL

Will You Walk With Me?

in an amount of painful, laborious and sometimes -
long strides...
i hope that my small steps in life
will be recognized
by true friends
            lovers
            God(s)
  all witnessess
  and ME -
  after this life......
          this life of mine......

will you walk with me?

I Feel Appreciated...

A Thank-You Note to Men

By Mary-Louise Parker

To you, whom it may concern:

Manly creature, who smells good even when you don't, you wake up too slowly, with fuzzy, vertical hair and a slightly lost look on your face as though you are seven or seventy-five; you can fix my front door, my sink, and open most jars; you, who lose a cuff link and have to settle for a safety pin, you have promised to slay unfortunate interlopers and dragons with your Phillips head or Montblanc; to you, because you will notice a woman with a healthy chunk of years or pounds on her and let out a wolf whistle under your breath and mean it; because you think either rug will be fine, really it will; you seem to walk down the street a little taller than me, a little more aware but with a purpose still; to you who codifies, conjugates, slams a puck, baits a hook, builds a decent cabinet or the perfect sandwich; you who gives a twenty to the kids selling Hershey's bars and waits at baggage claim for three hours in your flannel shirt; you, sir, you take my order, my pulse, my bullshit; you who soaps me in the shower, soaks with me in the tub; to you, boy grown-up, the gentleman, soldier, professor, or caveman, the fancy man with initials on your towels and salt on your chocolates, to you and to that guy at the concession stand; thank you for the tour of the vineyard, the fire station, the sound booth, thank you for the kaleidoscope, the Horsehead Nebula, the painting, the truth; to you who carries me across the parking lot, up the stairs, to the ER, to roll-away or rice mat; to you who shows up every so often only to confuse and torment, and you who stays in orbit, always, to my left and steady, you stood up for me, I won't forget that; to you, the one who can't figure it out and never will, and you who lost the remote, the dog, or your way altogether; to you, wizard, you sang in my ear and brought me back from the dead, you tell me things, make me shiver; to the ones who destroyed me, even if for a minute, and to the ones who grew me, consumed me, gave me my heart back times ten; to most everything that deserves to call itself a man: How I do love thee, with your skill to light fires that keep me warm, light me up.

Fat FREE Milk

I'm going to go away for a bit.

It's not you.

It's me. 

Karoshi

これは一生懸命働いていないに向けた私の最初のステップです。私は長生きしたいと思います。私はlovlongerしたいと思います。私はあなたが私と一緒にこれらのパスを移動することもここになりますことを願って、私はあなたが楽しい時間を共有するためにここになりますことを願っています。これを読み取って、みんなに幸せとのれん。

:)

Write HERE......

Years can go by, Kid
hope becomes stagnant
but out of the murk
and miasmac, primordial messes
germinated from dreams deferred
will and spirits dampened
always comes
LIFE

Years can go by, Kid
and eons/minutes/seconds can too

It never ends, Man
This is where all things come from
where it begins

From there

Right HERE......

Again...

A moment of clarity.

Thank you!

I'm Falling Asleep...

I died before

I want to know you better

Before this happens again

Before we wake up

I'll See You In Another Life...When We Are Both Cats...

500 Internal Server Error

Sorry, something went wrong.

A team of highly trained monkeys has been dispatched to deal with this situation.
If you see them, show them this information:

oZ1drD9lXHnas9H7RFP43ryhjciQUZy05NNS-7qsY4NoLxvAk8LUv0VdMYas
BgTw-7VAtFvuMT6YisoWElaDNbzyUapoTGvpnGs9gADXDkGIsIw-GesyGfo5
TD9pqPgmLhG1syL3T401DS_TTkCS_FeFUth9cUM7FlSIoLy7kIMCBfMjCQAY
Metdy9nRDewDcXkxvkHY1MLdD240Hw5aPupmnZmwbE0PRQ5lwcyhmXtBgIn8
cW6g-porw1MSyj2pcyHw2issSAYy8jc7G0lHTpJnzwtsZyN9iDhlyjRD5aG9
hUwW5wQjmvtCPyAWkCbj1pq5a5hO8rl0AR54n-qdtC3G1kRO_ayE8XezS_3Q
XCPkw0vGIytLygBIKr_hzDyluHQ4Pb7rIBNIqVJyGMgIZJkCc8MXCcFaXDwa
Lh_lHIVWyBXOgInkxPgZ_f0GqySKS3pvTAv4zcxozMdYQ1N2IzjlKlbDhmx0
6J0gHH0oAIcDDkpECZEjWHYK1T8sb8VrusfHCDHKuGf59gH8dMfq-bLiutrV
jNfh9r7QFkhXLxszeiPA0Q9ibUVe9ll42jYwvf-omoANQWmIihrJZBDxm1Jl
kPibGUxilIqvxQAlOlsB6_g0dxn_lpMqCFypMZb-NhheqiAWggjPrwq6IKg9
FzvXwCV1EAAXf0Ousa2g083WPMI_Viiokpg08D9ywpSl66I3REUo6adug73i
AvCvHNHTKY5gdIo76W4wDT66_-TNDFq0eSkfcdPjOxvRMmR2Nmy18Exa4fX4
wky8yyu4tW73_oVnsm_7E87P_74N4diwiQ6k7pW72TLnTcYeIFoD7YgF4-N5
HXXjPmoL7-YI3xtTt3R9Be_cblDA_RwTWSNKX8UiLm3fPaSsBObl9MQl7Gk6
uI8GYzf12SDGXW5LkVGM35NREop2PFnncErEDb4vuYDeMGwqWUO9esvbe64u
Bsyon1PUahhX0mwrQSlFDj-LDyMlDC1xZ2YZRWIjs6X13wE95pI2A_q33ic8
YBD3ZN-rr_EZqe7HuzQlQscmEbyT_r4GeOL12iPdrlVADXQrNiAgG3E2Zkej
08BeZMDAIkd1sRdsHxGZj91jA7p03FVMuG-nMNY9ii_tl8BuAF_JqYrxWbAh
CDva-PZfVuK64jIL05K9OlnpMwftZLESY5lCPWOYoOasHOWRjNDnrQvEkkFT
lO7Xo38k-8dWG6IBL81FRjnQuuXCy3v6ikIihU6Gt9-aq-FNRuUluORDf37a
K5SN2XS5-BKmDDV4oLM6YlYvnNXCcOtPXqyqvcXb6HbAXe_Jrm6zffm6h9r4
l7081yXNFw4tXoc-XdSo5TdqtQKyMmlAPTuJJTKwvWBrpsmhTS-7BNSSxTGI
f3SGbNJbArmNcdlU7G5pq9Sm_EGmhIdDohlEnAP5nwRnV4nLk7KobN8POVIT
BbgIO-FAinNVwJpJR5G4MgUISoSscR_0_ku2tc5lVT5QRpRhgr2M0b9RynP-
TvSzlHww_2L2qzGr18D_sX9rMKnJX-R037smicIEmmrmbCXs8c0b_JyV0OfI
R9eAH_7Ctdpz-_7kfvsxkrpeaumUZ5ox5My0eV_o6RMW8NCWH1OHG6PiBMzk
ColWTuOf_KRID9A0-wlwj6XX8LDEjCiA-mjFBKY65Ry8_rf_Km-7R-vvLTdN
tewONxNLktOSL2zA21Of-Ps_2m-xJEI0sQIZJh1sHlt6kf8iHVV1JZ_TVq-1
h_kUsFH629PEhSgFwjJGGS7QV-pqB88lX_5vlbMs1P8m6lFh8qVIfbK6Nvo3
4Qck_DjUpnLmDzqT5G2Lnod6e2Cm4Fm1yoBMm94ty2IKzxEva2iZp3ANUgkD
yLIlJBd_8Y4lxTxalEWt7siApIfM5L-IP2U90HQd6VUZFJQvNVBI3lgiNKRu
csD89Tjb5FdXi0R8Bdn1BI1pv8N23wRgZKkSjwUj6CDgjgdYrkeDy_T4Htad
CevX8iYRuxDcCefqoIcoO_4MYYEWU1nPwiYbv0xaralCHmVMyS4S2IOSQpgv
a1zYVIAzxzY8IoSx6hHW2CfB8XN5AmvKYHlP6b0LXRgpZ3-qOwOHDX4TuALx
Rr7uczraD4V7J42-IcALl8qV4CecEu-T0OLY4MfTY7FiBkdv8MTVTZEvPWfA
E9HAwSpUrkxASP-_VkGdbAWgtQR-lPJA_g7YPiaXpvgZaZQqVYut0J6GwJH4
EWwPZ0_PuoIWcTpcudgOGNlYjDDZAx8xulcvdHvtp5CnJRKgOsnXoMQzZJg6
bnlcYiHV8ulpnDRxfKzhueUjrx9TR3IyzelcRiiE11sCoh7NUSAlalUyJaSM
0uFDDgSjDgfVdc4FHOhjO39ZGCjcoOkvTgMMcGCnX6ajO-XRdIrWQ3gzMv9K
jh3-0FqdI8Ynb9-zZ7NCy81ox9sNe6iZfybW98nL1z4UVe9vFFBsT-BrS91G
5d0MvTNI0zGvVah0Uo8X2W1wXwPYqgLoXGDxMK_ZsHzwJLZ7MbKDLqWfWccu
R8Nvfp7NWBKo1lfbCyCZjKy6CNnD43iDZwfExawUY-dprX3Wf15kGHf1vR9k
GNOKGRjppeqAIMJk68SO4YLgsM59ROmjMacN4-dBslFIY9nHI2EylKPzdJny
Jmn0h1FxbAVzQRWUcAEzolbp2Twxy-kMkYjNmYLR8pgKjyTu

It's Too Late...

to write as much as I want to. I just wanted to write something at least.

It's part of the problem but I'm fixing it.

You don't believe me - but I am.

I TOLD YOU.

Some big changes have to happen incrementally.

Some small steps get propelled forward regardless of our dancing or dragging feet.

It's much more complicated than this.

You know.

I know.

Anyway.

I have the things written down on the mirror and the books and the blahblahblah

HEY.

Yeah, HEY.

I want to work for that ONE GUY/HELP OUT/WORK WITH?

that I kind of know

that works for MEOWWWWWW

at Cartoon Network

That's 2014, bitches.

No. Seriously. WATCH.

notactuallygoingtohashtagthesentencethatIjustwrote

I'm happy

I think that I really AM

I have MUCH room for improvement
and my increments of tortoise-like progress
hopefully doesn't race against all of your hare-brained disillusions

Yes, we're all on the clock
but I'm on my own\here
I'm starting this now
anew
not for the finish
but for amazing progress

I WIN

I really think that I do

There are so many things that I want to do right now
So many things that I want to put down
Mass-Invite for Enders Game
more movies and books
to check out
based on
conversations
need to do the fund-raiser
how is Mark?
ebay sales
more stuff to sell now
my little sister
how is my Dad?
my Mother
doesn't have my number

need to reconnect with

old people from the
old companies for
full-time writing gigs
this means travel
or relocating, maybe

finish reading
Area 51
Under The Dome
The Giver
thebookthatSTEVEgave me
The Tender Bar
I846
Doctor Sleep
Night
and more...

Comic Books from the library
BLACK from CNN
research my inevitable Fukishima death
and need to work on my winter garden
eat more vegetarian
Kirkus Review gig

I have notes taped in my kitchen re:social engagements
I need to get more sleep
I want to figure out how to put my "Bartending/Romance" script/mess in my local theater
Now, "Wade" want's me to submit material for a theater XMAS show
"Andy" never got back to me about his lyric rewrites that he wants me to help him with
I need to work on my Fat Free Milk book
Need to remember to go to "Kelly's" art show
"Luis" and I are supposed to play drums and electric bass like we used to
"Tony" wants to do more hip-hop songs
My cartoon script needs a home

I want to build a green house for you/me/us

Visit ALL of my nephews
Ann is dying
My Dad is dying
There is a black cat
in the middle of
the street right now

I need to pound out that dent in my car
I need to fix these XMAS lights
I need to save money for Hawaii,
                                       the IRS
                                       CAR and more...
                                       more dentist work
                                       more Muay Thai again
                                       and finally some Krav Maga

save money for the expensive shoes that I like
sell everything
I need more contact lenses
I need to sell all of my DVD's
Set a date for my next Sci-Fi Club
Have a party
Go to Brooklyn
Joshua Tree like i used to
Buy "Black-Out Curtains"

Spend more time with
April and Jamal
and Chris and Tony
and Joe
and continue to make mew friends
to buy a fire-pit because everybody loves fire
to work harder
to work LESS
to be THE same
but be DIFFERENT
to love MORE
and to HATE less
to look UP more
and to not be so DOWN

I'm giving so much
and giving so many things away
always learning
always yearning

playmorechess
buyabaseballglove
tobuymorearrows
andabetterbow
tobuyagun
and
to m e d i t a t e MORE
and to stretch moooooorrrreeeee
to relearn how to write
to take more trips by myself again
to learn how to install dimmers for my lighting fixtures
to learn what cloud formations mean
                     coding
                     programming
to make money off of my dumb websites
to woodwork
to buy the tools to build things
to build my own motorcycle
to go away at least for one week
and to not tell you where I am/have been
to buy fishing equipment
to rotate/restock the emergency supplies in my car
to give creative writing courses
to read The Tarot
to relearn my World Map
to know Astronomy
and to contribute as a business owner to my local economy
to reread my college philosophy books

to write
     Gun Arm
     PAYNE
     Hydromania, Prozac and The Apology
and
 to write words for Mike Magowski
and
 to write words for Mandie Bee's photos

Funny thing...the other weekend?
He didn't mean any ill-will
but Nick asked me innocently
if I had I hard time concentrating?

I was, like...Duh?

and he said that he and Terry that
that me
especially @home
that I did

I said, like - DUH?
and muttered something about ADHD

I told him about how I cant keep still
how it's hard for me to concentrate
I can. I do. But. I can't all of the time
It's random.
Sometime's selective
Sometime's impossible
It's hard

I'm proud that I've done what I've done

You can help me breathe, relax a bit
focus, for sure
but it will never help
ALL of the time
what YOU get, but most importantly
what I GET is a variance of
1 to 53%
anything above 53%
is a Godsend
and an amalgam of
your beautiful positivity
and my unfathomable love

help me to produce more on paper
                                       on The internet
plant seeds in your mind(s)
to make you smile
to make you read
and
to make you think
to make you happy
to make ME happy

ALWAYS

i know that you wish
and want more of me
and, please
with the support and
the gentle proddings
and the love

I LOVE IT
inhale it
i ingest it
and take it
hoarding the encouragement

But, remember...
I GET BETTER
thinking
progressing
regressing
real-life meets
creative and spiritual life
but?

I have written more things down on paper and on The Internets
and on The Websites
blahblahblah
than you ever have
and than you ever will in your lifetime

I'm not judging you
everybody's different
THERE ARE BROWN SNOWFLAKES

just.kind.of.relax, okay?
encouragement is awesome
GIVE IT
I'll take it
I mean it
just
relax
I get better every day
and with your help
I do

I write things sometimes
and...it's cool
so
like my writing
and
like my life
if I can
put a portion of that down
if I can
put a portion of that down
and convert it into portions that
can drown the portent that I see
friends
lovers
firsts
seconds
then all win

this is all normal
relax
HEY
RELAX
dontlistentothem
dontlistentoyourself
relax
relax
RELAXXXXXXXXXXXXX

there are so many things to get to
towards
backwards
forwards

your mind

popcorn synapses

you will never be able to put everything down
impossible
this is normal

relax

DUDES.

DUDE.