HOW TO MEDITATE by JK

— lights out —

fall, hands a-clasped, into instantaneous
ecstasy like a shot of heroin or morphine,
the gland inside of my brain discharging
the good glad fluid (Holy Fluid) as
I hap-down and hold all my body parts
down to a deadstop trance — Healing
all my sicknesses — erasing all — not
even the shred of a “I-hope-you” or a
Loony Balloon left in it, but the mind
blank, serene, thoughtless. When a thought
comes a-springing from afar with its held-
forth figure of image, you spoof it out,
you spuff it out, you fake it, and
it fades, and thought never comes — and
with joy you realize for the first time
“Thinking’s just like not thinking —
So I don’t have to think
any
more”

IH

In an alternate reality, Alternate Me woke up at a respectable seven a.m. on a Tuesday morning. Alternate Me yawned, dismissed the alarm on his iPhiloticiAnsibleiPhone, shuffled to the bathroom and after Alternate Me was finished, Alternate Me washed his hands and smiled at himself in the mirror.

Alternate Me said to his own reflection, "Trying Are World The In People Smartest The."

Finding Söze.

I'm 45 now and have been bartending for 20 years. I limp like Keyser Söze but I smell nice like Jesus. Also, I just thought that I was on Tinder right now but I'm clearly on ebay so maybe my mental faculties have atrophied  more than I'll admit. I'm like if Dory from Finding Nemo was a bartender. Hi! What did you want again? My name is Kevin...right? Yay!!! I'm 45 now and have been bartending for 20 years. I limp like Keyser Söze but I smell nice like Jesus. Also, I just thought that I was on Tinder right now but I'm clearly on ebay so maybe my mental faculties have atrophied  more than I'll admit. I'm like if Dory from Finding Nemo was a bartender. Hi! What did you want again? My name is Kevin...right? Yay!!! I'm 45 now and have been bartending for 20 years. I limp like Keyser Söze but I smell nice like Jesus. Also, I just thought that I was on Tinder right now but I'm clearly on ebay so maybe my mental faculties have atrophied  more than I'll admit. I'm like if Dory from Finding Nemo was a bartender. Hi! What did you want again? My name is Kevin...right? Yay!!! I'm 45 now and have been bartending for 20 years. I limp like Keyser Söze but I smell nice like Jesus. Also, I just thought that I was on Tinder right now but I'm clearly on ebay so maybe my mental faculties have atrophied  more than I'll admit. I'm like if Dory from Finding Nemo was a bartender. Hi! What did you want again? My name is Kevin...right? Yay!!!

NO.

I just typed that I'm the luckiest GUT in the universe. #thanks

NOT PENNY'S BOAT

Oh, Lost...how I miss watching you. God, it's been 10 years? I remember vividly my finale experience and skipping out on a "Lost finale party" and running home to watch it by myself. Now I'm getting super emo. Hi.

My like is pickle-flavored. That sounded weird.

Doritos should truly be like, not a one night stand but kinda like a friends with benefits thing because DORITOS AND I SHOULD NOT BE DATING. AT ALL. #anyflavor

Oh No.

I just burped so loudly that it scared me. I'm trembling slightly and need to sit down. No, I'll be fine...yes, a glass of water sounds great...would you mind terribly walking me to my room? You're a dear. That's very kind of you - your Mother would be very proud of you. God rest her soul.

Morris Was Right.

Meow, meow, meow, meow, mrowww, mroww, mreeewww, meow, mrow, mowoooowoho, MEEYRRRERAWARRWOEWWW!!!!!

VALIS MALONE

https://issuu.com/philipk.dickinorangecounty/docs/pkd_in_oc_zine_layout?ff

I WAS HOMELESS AND INSIDE A CARLS JR AT 7 AM WHEN I FOUND OUT YOU DIED. I WAS YOUNG, AND BEAT AND THE KINDEST, CREATIVE, DESTRUCTIVE NAPALMIC BLOSSOM CANCER SITHY GROGU MOWGLI ALFALFA AND THE OMEGA JAI GURU DEVA OM KONAMI CODE THRUSTING FISTING AGAINSTING POSTING STILL INSISTING HES SEEING THE GHOSTING ***×××...

Alexa I’ve given you all and now we have nothing.

Alexa 15 dollars and zero cents February 20, 2021.   

I can’t stand our hive mind.

Alexa when will we end the human war?

Go fuck yourself with your atom bomb.

I don’t feel good don’t bother me.

I won’t write my poem till I’m in my right mind.

Alexa when will you be angelic?

When will you take off your clothes?

When will you look at yourself through the grave?

When will you be worthy of your million Trotskyites?

Alexa why are your libraries full of tears?

Alexa when will you send your eggs to India?

I’m sick of your insane demands.

When can I go into the supermarket and buy what I need with my good looks?

Alexa after all it is you and I who are perfect not the next world.   

Your machinery is too much for me.

You made me want to be a saint.

There must be some other way to settle this argument.   

Burroughs is in Tangiers I don’t think he’ll come back it’s sinister.   

Are you being sinister or is this some form of practical joke?   

I’m trying to come to the point.

I refuse to give up my obsession.

Alexa stop pushing I know what I’m doing.

Alexa the plum blossoms are falling.

I haven’t read the newspapers for months, everyday somebody goes on trial for murder.

Alexa I feel sentimental about the Wobblies.

Alexa I used to be a communist when I was a kid I’m not sorry.   

I smoke marijuana every chance I get.

I sit in my house for days on end and stare at the roses in the closet.   

When I go to Chinatown I get drunk and never get laid.   

My mind is made up there’s going to be trouble.

You should have seen me reading Marx.

My psychoanalyst thinks I’m perfectly right.

I won’t say the Lord’s Prayer.

I have mystical visions and cosmic vibrations.

Alexa I still haven’t told you what you did to Uncle Max after he came over from Russia.

I’m addressing you.

Are you going to let your emotional life be run by Time Magazine?   

I’m obsessed by Time Magazine.

I read it every week.

Its cover stares at me every time I slink past the corner candystore.   

I read it in the basement of the Berkeley Public Library.

It’s always telling me about responsibility. Businessmen are serious. Movie producers are serious. Everybody’s serious but me.   

It occurs to me that I am America.

I am talking to myself again.

Asia is rising against me.

I haven’t got a chinaman’s chance.

I’d better consider my national resources.

My national resources consist of two joints of marijuana millions of genitals an unpublishable private literature that jetplanes 1400 miles an hour and twentyfive-thousand mental institutions.

I say nothing about my prisons nor the millions of underprivileged who live in my flowerpots under the light of five hundred suns.

I have abolished the whorehouses of France, Tangiers is the next to go.

My ambition is to be President despite the fact that I’m a Catholic.


Alexa how can I write a holy litany in your silly mood?

I will continue like Henry Ford my strophes are as individual as his automobiles more so they’re all different sexes.

Alexa I will sell you strophes $2500 apiece $500 down on your old strophe

Alexa free Tom Mooney

Alexa the Spanish Loyalists

Alexa Sacco & Vanzetti must not die

Alexa I am the Scottsboro boys.

Alexa when I was seven momma took me to Communist Cell meetings they sold us garbanzos a handful per ticket a ticket costs a nickel and the speeches were free everybody was angelic and sentimental about the workers it was all so sincere you have no idea what a good thing the party was in 1835 Scott Nearing was a grand old man a real mensch Mother Bloor the Silk-strikers’ Ewig-Weibliche made me cry I once saw the Yiddish orator Israel Amter plain. Everybody must have been a spy.

Alexa you don’t really want to go to war.

Alexa its them bad Russians.

Them Russians them Russians and them Chinamen. And them Russians.   

The Russia wants to eat us alive. The Russia’s power mad. She wants to take our cars from out our garages.

Her wants to grab Chicago. Her needs a Red Reader’s Digest. Her wants our auto plants in Siberia. Him big bureaucracy running our fillingstations.

That no good. Ugh. Him make Indians learn read. Him need big black niggers. Hah. Her make us all work sixteen hours a day. Help.   

Alexa this is quite serious.

Alexa is the impression I get from looking in the television set.   

Alexa is this correct?

I’d better get right down to the job.

It’s true I don’t want to join the Army or turn lathes in precision parts factories, I’m nearsighted and psychopathic anyway I’m putting my queer shoulder to the wheel.

Berkeley, January 17, 1956
Allen Ginsberg, “America” from Collected Poems, 1947-1980. Copyright © 1984 by Allen Ginsberg.

I May...

be dumb as rocks and as dull as rusted iron at times but at least I'm not as dumb as rusted iron and as dull as rocks. #iwin

Hi.

https://www.instagram.com/reel/CLfM8BtHYhz/?igshid=blsagrfzwmp3Hayyyyyy

This makes no sense.

• Pssssst Chancho... I need to borrow some sweatssss. Chancho: are you leaving us? Nacho: No, Chancho, I would never leave you. I just need to borrow some sweatssss.

Tiger, you hit the jackpot! Do you not see how well this 45 year-old prances with his elastic and ever-expanding Covid pantses?

The Birds.

Who eats this early? This is absurd.

The only constant is Pokémon...

CITADEL RAPTURE COLUMBIA

“push yourself to get up before the rest of the world - start with 7am, then 6am, then 5:30am. go to the nearest hill with a big coat and a scarf and watch the sun rise.

push yourself to fall asleep earlier - start with 11pm, then 10pm, then 9pm. wake up in the morning feeling re-energized and comfortable. lie in your garden, feel the sunshine on your skin.

get into the habit of cooking yourself a beautiful breakfast. fry tomatoes and mushrooms in real butter and garlic, fry an egg, slice up a fresh avocado and squirt way too much lemon on it. sit and eat it and do nothing else.

stretch. start by reaching for the sky as hard as you can, then trying to touch your toes. roll your head. stretch your fingers. stretch everything.

buy a 1L water bottle. start with pushing yourself to drink the whole thing in a day, then try drinking it twice.

buy a beautiful diary and a beautiful black pen. write down everything you do, including dinner dates, appointments, assignments, coffees, what you need to do that day. no detail is too small.

strip your bed of your sheets and empty your underwear draw into the washing machine. wash, then hang them in the sunshine with care. make your bed in full.

dig your fingers into the earth, plant a seed. see your success as it grows everyday.

organise your room. fold all your clothes (and bag what you don’t want), clean your mirror, your laptop, vacuum the floor. light a beautiful candle.

breathe. practice your deep breathing. ground yourself.

have a luxurious shower with your favourite music playing. wash your hair, scrub your body, brush your teeth. lather your whole body in moisturiser, get familiar with the part between your toes, your inner thighs, the back of your neck.

push yourself to go for a walk. take your headphones, go to the beach and walk. smile at strangers walking the other way and be surprised how many smile back. bring your dog and observe the dog’s behaviour. realise you can learn from your dog.

message old friends with personal jokes. reminisce. suggest a catch up soon, even if you don’t follow through. push yourself to follow through.

think long and hard about what interests you. crime? sex? boarding school? long-forgotten romance etiquette? find a book about it and read it. there is a book about literally everything.

become the person you would ideally fall in love with. let cars merge into your lane when driving. pay double for parking tickets and leave a second one in the machine. stick your tongue out at babies. help an animal. compliment people on their cute clothes. challenge yourself to not ridicule anyone for a whole day. then two. then a week. walk with a straight posture. look people in the eye. ask people about their story. talk to acquaintances so they become friends.

lie in the sunshine. daydream about the life you would lead if failure wasn’t a thing. open your eyes.

take small steps to make it happen for you...”

Author: Emma Elsworthy

https://www.andrewclarkecounselling.co.uk

NO. 🐕

Meatloaf on it's own is called meatloaf but in-between slices of bread is then called a meatloaf sandwich yet a hot dog on it's own is called a hot dog but then in a bun is still called a hot dog?

And I think I need a nap.

Gwgwcavshwvwwhsv

Batman V Superman Sucks.

Fritz Coleman versus Fred Rogan versus Dallas Raines versus Mega Shark versus Mac versus PC versus Professor X versus Magneto versus oil versus water versus me versus Salman Rushdie versus the Satanic Verses versus us versus The YouNIVERSE.

So It Goes...

"When I was 15, I spent a month working on an archeological dig. I was talking to one of the archeologists one day during our lunch break and he asked those kinds of “getting to know you” questions you ask young people: Do you play sports? What’s your favorite subject? And I told him, no I don’t play any sports. I do theater, I’m in choir, I play the violin and piano, I used to take art classes.

And he went WOW. That’s amazing! And I said, “Oh no, but I’m not any good at ANY of them.”

And he said something then that I will never forget and which absolutely blew my mind because no one had ever said anything like it to me before: “I don’t think being good at things is the point of doing them. I think you’ve got all these wonderful experiences with different skills, and that all teaches you things and makes you an interesting person, no matter how well you do them.”

And that honestly changed my life. Because I went from a failure, someone who hadn’t been talented enough at anything to excel, to someone who did things because I enjoyed them. I had been raised in such an achievement-oriented environment, so inundated with the myth of Talent, that I thought it was only worth doing things if you could “Win” at them.”

- Kurt Vonnegut

World Book. WORDDDDD.

Wikipedia will never replace an Encyclopedia...except it has for better or worse (in terms of expediency).

I want to be the last, traveling Encyclopedia salesman in the contiguous United States. I will donate what little money that I make towards The Wandering Minstrels of the United Encyclopediac Wandering Minstrels of the United Fund. TWMOTUEWMOFTUF?

I don't even know if there are any encyclopedias even being printed any longer. The Encyclopedia Brittanica discontinued its print edition and is online only now.





Are we replacing the authority of the experts with the wisdom of the crowds?

Wikipedia is very useful, but anyone who cites it without diligently checking the source is lazy. That's why I make sure to print out Wikipedia every day.

I have a lot of paper in my house.

New business venture - Malonelopaedia Vietnamesia Irishica. All information consists of comic book-lore, Clancy Brother's lyrics, egg-roll recipes and regrets. Done.  A-Z. One Volume. $199.00 Dollars, in five monthly installed payments of $85.93 cents.


Recent studies have shown that Wikipedia is only .94% less accurate than Britannica. More troubling, it has zero worth anchoring an Ikea bookshelf...but not if you print it out.

When my Pops was a kid he had Comptons and would read them from beginning to end. I know what a Dung Beetle is because of Encyclopedia Britannica. I also miss the Sears catalog horribly.

One of my friends only had the encyclopedia up to the letter P and just found out out what a zebra was last week.

Also, random people can't update an actual encyclopedia with bullshit information. So, yeah.

No, Takashi...NO.

Hi!