Two Worst Things In The World...

The Disney Corporation and Religous fanaticism.

I'm going to Disneyland tomorrow.
I hope my girlfriend and I don't get blown to smithereens in a terrorist plot.
I would like to see Mickey on fire, though.

So, if you never hear from me again, you know where I went.

I'm Going To Hell...

Coming back from the comic book store. I walked out and heard a crunch. I looked around and saw a big red truck pulling out of its parking space and it crunched a purple truck as it was coming out. I started to walk towards the red truck and then it took off. I thought I may have imagined the sound, but why would I think that? So then I went in my car and to the video store. I rented The Good Girl, Igby Goes Down, and My Big Fat Greek Wedding. Should I have tried to chase down the red truck? Asked anybody in the comic book store if they had a purple truck? Should I have actually checked it out to see if it really got hit? I didn't do anything. So, was I an irresponsible citizen? Did the rain distort my vision? Will karma kick my butt? Am I going to hell?

Or am I just going to hell because I rented My Big Fat Greek Wedding?

Reverse King Midas Effect...

First pet, I think? Was a dog back in Texas when I was a wee lad, and my father was working for U.S. Customs Border Patrol. His name was Jesus, but we just called him Chewy for short. The dog. Not my father. he was tiny and black. The dog. Not my father. I don't know where we got him from. But he escaped. Either that or my mother ate him. The dog. Not my father.

We also had some pet ducks...I remember chasing them around the backyard. One day, I saw my mother running after them. My older brother and father were laughing. Funny thing was that my mother had a meat cleaver in her hand and was trying to grab one of them. I remember seeing the ducks trying to fly. They can't really go that high. Finally, my mother got a hold of one of their necks. My father told me not to look. I did. She walked towards my father with the ducks heads in her hands. The bodies were flapping behind her. I'm not kidding.

My Grandmother, Bubba...I'm not kidding here either - died when I was fairly young. But I remember Bubba staying with us when we moved back to So Cal after she had a particularly nasty fall at her house in Texas. She brought her two dogs with her. Bonnie and Laddie. Nice Collie dogs. My sis, Sindy, wasn't allowed outside because she was a wee bitch and would get knocked the fuck out by the dogs whenever she stepped outside. Eventually we had to give the dogs away. Bubba cried. I was sad. My mother was still around and was probably mad that she didn't get to eat them.

After the divorce and when my father was single, pets were out of the question. All of us kids would've been too, if he could've gotten away with it. No dogs. No cats. Even though we lived in a neighborhood around horses, ponies, more ducks, peacocks, skunks, possums, crows, and coyotes. We eventually got a couple parakeets, which my older brother let, fly away. We had a big Oscar fish that ate all of the others. We had Neon Tetras that got sucked up in the water filter. We had an Angelfish that stuck it's fucking nose up to the heat lamp and got stuck up to it, burned, and then died...My mother wasn't responsible for the death or consumption of any of these. She was too far away. Thank god. I'm not too keen on eating things that taste like aquarium water.

All attempts to get a dog were shot down by dear ol' dad in my teenage years. I did have a lizard that we captured in the backyard and put in a tank, but then we went on vacation and I came back to watch all of the ants crawl out of his eyes. His name was Snake. I named my lizard, Snake. I call my penis a lizard now, though. So I guess it all makes sense in some weird way...I think.

When I moved out on my eighteenth birthday...Oh wait, did I say moved? Sorry, I meant to say when I got booted the hell out of my father's house, I could own all of the pets that I wanted...but who wants to hear about my young, dating history? I had a lot of roaches in the first couple of houses. They weren't like pets, though. They were like very, very, bad dogs. Just really tiny and a lot scarier. You never have to feed them, though. That's cool. They can be nibbling on your skin flakes while you're eating cornflakes in the morning.

Various roommates had pets, but that doesn't count, because they weren't mine. What was my first pet? MY pet? Besides your mom? I was living at the Amerige House. No, that's not a boy's home or a mental institution - It's just what me and my various roommates called a house that I lived in for two or three years from...19-21. That's when I met Hannah, my roomie April got her. I had a Beta fish that I felt sorry for when I saw it in a Dixie cup at stupid Pet City. His name was Jabba The Fish. I used to keep his bowl by the floor heater when it got cold. A drunk girl kicked him into it. Goodbye Jabba. Hello fish smell for months. Another roommate had a turtle named Melvin? He got wedged under his little floaty thing in the tank. He died. I buried him in the backyard and we had a funeral. I played a song for him on the guitar and tipped my 40 0z. of Coors onto his grave. My turtle homie. Then after the Amerige House, I moved into The dumb ass Streams Apartments and April lived in the same complex. She'd bring over Hannah for visits and then when April broke up with her boyfriend, I had to keep her. The cat. Not April. When April wanted her back, she couldn't have her. My mom either. Hannah the cat was mine.

My older half brother, Chris, and I, were coming back from The Museum Of Tolerance in L.A. Traffic happened to stop on the freeway. My brother started to yell at Chris to Pick it up! Pick it up! Nobody was dancing or doing military drills in the car, so I was confused. Chris got out and came back with what I thought was a little piece of gray clothing. It was a bloody, pregnant cat named now...60. See, I'm clever, eh? Not really.

Anne couldn't keep her cat Salvador when she had to move to Long Beach. So, I had to in this house.. Salvador was big and dumb, but lovey dovey cool for a shit head. I woke up one morning to a jogger at my doorstep. Do you have a black and white cat? I croaked yes and spent my remaining morning hours digging through tree roots in the backyard that I have now. Poor guy. I had to install an electric fence around his grave just in case my mother ever decides to visit me.

Hannah was too crazy to keep inside. So I let her roam around the backyard and the neighborhood. Sometimes I wouldn't see her for a bit, but all I'd have to do is call her name and she'd eventually come back to me and kick back. One day it came to about a week and I started to get worried. She's gone now. Maybe a coyote got her from the park across the street. Maybe it was one of the Raccoons that we have living up in the palm tree. Or the Possum family? I hope somebody adopted her, but I doubt it. You couldn't keep that sweet, little bitch inside for more than a day. Maybe my mom has a cat whistle.

Now I still have 60. Who is dumb. Great, but dumb. Sweet, though. I have Jane, my girlfriend's fat ass cat. She sucks and is the stupidest thing that I've ever seen. She's on a diet. We have a turtle. He's boring. We have plants. I have my friends. They're just about as animalistic as anything can get. I don't have to groom or feed them, they fend for themselves. So it's all Kool And The Gang.

I have my girlfriend. She requires lots of attention..

I do miss Hannah, though.


That's it.


*sniff sniff *


Pigfuckers.

Pet Sounds...

Ruff!
Meow!
Moo!
Hissssssss!
Snarf!

Just Kidding....

My Drunk Post...


Does anyone else fall asleep to Empire Strikes Back?
I'll be dreaming about Amazing Spiderman issue fifty that's going to be coming out soon.
Trying to keep warm?
Dreading work?
Thinking about death?
About life?
About money?
And your sweet ass?
I want to dangle babies over balconies in my dreams.
I want to forget about your face.
I want to forget about your feces.
I don't ever want to face your feces.
I don't ever want to eat Reeses Feces.
If I ever met E.T., I'd expect him to be rich and to buy me a drink.
If I ever met Elliot, I'd ask him where Gertie was.
If I ever met Tom Green, I'd probably skate with him and never ask him anything after that.
If I ever met you, I'd be scared.
If you ever met me, You'd be scared.
If you ever met me, you'd know that I never get enough sleep.
If the world was a light bulb, I'd be the thin, wire filament glowing and fading in the center of it all.
If time was any faster, I'd be pissed.
If time was any slower, I'd be pissed.
I am aware that Gene Hackman played Lex Luthor.
I am aware that Billy Dean Williams was in both Batman and Empire Strikes Back.
I am aware that The guy who played Jek Porkins in Star Wars was in Batman also.
I am wary of the new Daredevil movie.
I am horny for Jennifer Garner.
Jennifer Garner is not horny for me.
I am in fear of Valentines Day.
I am scared of fat cupids.
I am scared and sacred.


Goodnight/day, punks.

Sorry.

Hey Pig...

I know it's really bad for me, but I really like bacon.

Porn too, but porn isn't high in sodium...

It's just lacking in moral fiber.

Big-Headed Monster...

I'm spoiled. I don't have to get up as early as I'm used to for my current job. I sleep in on weekends now. I must be getting old because I like to watch Saturday and Sunday morning cartoons, but I just can't do it no mo'. This morning I slept away, whined at my productive girlfriend's noise level, and then finally moved all of the covers from the bed to the couch. She was watching some horrible Charlie Sheen movie. Like there's only one, right? Then she left and I watched The Majestic. I didn't expect to like it, and wasn't going to watch it - but I was too lazy to get up. I actually kind of liked it. Then I started to watch an Ashley Judd movie, but grew tired of trying to figure out if she was hot or not. I wrestled various human food products away from our fat ass cat. Talked on the phone. I dried my girlfriend’s laundry for her while she was at work and realized that I was daydreaming in the backyard with a handful of her panties in my hand. I took out six bags of trash. Six. I don't know where it comes from, but I swear, we seem to accumulate more waste than your mom. I read some of my Chuck Palahniuk book and performed a movement in the bathroom Beethoven would've been proud of. I returned some phone calls, but still managed somehow to not call any of family. I'm bad; it takes me weeks to get back to them.

So when I called back Joe, he asked if I could do him a favor.

I just bought a TV off of someone from work. Do you think you could keep it for me for a while?

Two hours later, during the NBA All-Star game, Joe and Chris came over with it. It's thirty-six inches and now in my living room. After I hooked it up, I screamed because I saw a commercial with John Madden in it and his unusually gigantic head was now even bigger. I started to cry, but then Joe told me that his co-worker also asked if he wanted any free beer. I shut up. Then we ordered a pizza and watched an HBO special on cannibalism.

Hmmmm...do you mind if I use up your space with a big TV, give you forty beers, and buy some pizza? Remind me never to complain about anything.

To quote Ice Cube - Today Was A Good Day...

Cry Me A River...

Yes, I've been listening to that song by Justin Timberlake.

I'm sorry.

Please forgive me.

Toon Town...

Yes, I did go out last night. And yes, I did go see Bridget The Midget from The Howard Stern Show play in a punk rock band. Yes, I did drink way too much. And yes, I did have tons o' fun.

And no, I didn't really see her that well.

She was too short.

My God!...

It smells like farts in here.
My girlfriend made deviled eggs this morning.
Why do eggs smell like farts anyway?
Why don't beans smell like farts?

Do you have any Spiderman comics lying around?

I'll trade you something for them.
Maybe I'll draw you a picture or write a horrible poem.

Really. Cross my heart.

Cool Keith...

Greatest influence in my life?

No, not Liam Gallagher, Rama, Osiris, Gwen Stacey or Boz of The Grand Ennui.
Not that big guy up above either. No, not that jerk - I was talking about Charles Lindbergh. That was a stupid joke.

Anyway...the single, greatest influence I've ever had in my life, was a friend that I had when I was five or something. Ackward sentence? Yes. My father used to drop me off at his house and Keith's mother would babysit us. I don't remember how my father knew Keith's mom. Keith's mom was pretty cool as far as I can remember. And what really qualifies as cool to a five year old? Did she let me watch shitty kung-fu movies? Did she make me grilled cheese sandwiches with the crusts cut off? Did she let me make out with her? Did she teach me how to write? Obviously, no. Whatever. She was cool, punk.

I had so much fun with Keith. He had alot of energy. We'd run around in the backyard, play hide and seek, bulid Lego towers and smash them down with our heads, we would scream alot. Out loud, out the window, at the mom, at the moon, whatever. She'd just laugh.

My father never understood me for the genius that I was. He'd get mad at me all of the time. I was always in trouble for something stupid that I did. I'd chop some furniture up with a kitchen knife or rip off all of my clothes in the night. I had an older brother to egg me on. He thought I was funny. So, if somebody else thinks I'm funny, that makes me funny, right? And I should continue, right?

What this boils down to is that my father started to notice that I was starting to act even stupider than normal. He said that I started making up my own language and then I taught it to my older brother. Now, not only did he have one idiot speaking idiot nonsense - he had two little idiots running around speaking gibberish. We stopped playing with our toys normally. We would just nudge them around or stare at them. My father had to re-teach us how to speak and how to play with toys like normal children. My father finally found out that Keith was retarded and I slowly stopped being dropped off at his house. And that was it. i don't know what happened to Keith or his cool mom. I don't know what type of explanation that my father finally gave. All that I know is that Keith was more fun than many of the people that I met years after that, and more honest.

Yeah, he was retarded.
I am too.
So are you.
My girlfriend has been vacuuming the house.
This story was poopy.

Goodbye.

Can You Hear Me Now?...

Watching a commercial for Sprint? with Little Richard. Not to be mean or anything, but I was thinking...why Little Richard? He's wacky, cool and all, and wrote some kick ass songs back in the day - but if I had the chance to see a rock and roll legend in a commercial, I'd rather see tons of different people. Morrison, Tom Waits...George Harrison? Shit, even Ringo Starr...wait, what am i saying?

God bless Little Richard.

I Like To Climb Trees...

Listening to The Pixies and waiting for The Michael Jackson two hour special on ABC...

Very content.

Okay, I Have An Idea...

I will write this post, and then when you comment - I will assign a movie for you to watch based on how well I do or don't know you based upon your website or my uncanny Charles Xavier-like psychic powers. Then...nothing, I guess. Just let me know how much you hated it. My girlfriend is asleep on the couch, also......Reese Witherspoon is being really short on TV, My teeth hurt from the dentist today. Remind me to cancel my appointment for next week, because we have to go to Disneyland to take pictures for our annual passes. It was a gift from me to her, so now I have to get one.

Oh, I'm going with my girlfriend - not Reese Witherspoon. She can go if she wants. She just can't bring her punk-ass husband.

I'm gonna punch Mickey in the asshole too.

Peter Parker...

Call me geeky...c'mon...okay...I managed to get back the comments that were erased by Haloscan's server bullshit. It took some time, trust me. Am I a genius or not? Probably not. BUT, I managed to erase all of the comments you posted today. Oh well. Sorry. I know it's not that big of a deal. We all need lives, but it does suck when you take the time to post funny "ha ha" on somebody else's funy "ha ha" and then come back to nuthin'. It's not my fault. I changed the color of the comments box-thingy too. That's what probably erased the most recent crapola. As a trade, I think it's not that bad. You can post again or I can tell you what you said. No I can't. I am devoid of recollective thought processes.

What am I saying again?

Oh yeah, sorry for the geeky post. This is not my thing. Neither is your mom.

Wubba Wubba Wubba, Downtown Julie Brown signing out.

Kind Of Sucks...

I have no idea why my archives are screwed again. I have no idea why half of the comments got wiped and don't work half the time. I have no idea why my B Stats aren't recording hits in the last 24 hours. I have no idea why everything is slow.

I have no idea.

Sucks.

I'd Love To Beat Her With A Stick...

In bed or in a deserted police station...

I.
Don't.
Know.


Really.

Clear...

I met Crystal through a friend of hers/neighbor of mine that worked with her. They worked at a flower distribution center thingy. I was game, I guess. I wasn't interested in much back then. I knew that relationships took too much effort even though I was unqualified to pass that judgment considering that I had never really willingly thrown myself in the commitment pool much. We started off with email. Then arranged a first date. Then I caught myself watching cooking shows in her boring-ass living room constantly. I watched all off my friends totally ignore her after seeing her drink a bottle of beer from in between her boobs. She talked constantly when she was socially nervous. Her favorite band was Counting Crows. She used to collect Crayola Crayon merchandise. She was an orphan. She didn't have silver dollars for eyes...she only had...me. It only lasted for...seven months? She got in a fight with my girlfriend before her, I got a new job that intimidated her. Ummmmmm.......

There was no particular reason why it didn't work out. It just didn't. There was no bad blood. No huge fights. That's kind of scary too, isn’t it? Shouldn't every great relationship have some major differences? But there wasn't anything. She was nice. I was too. We never talked about marriage or where the relationship was going to take us later. I really don't remember any significant moments with her. I'm not being apathetic. I just don't. We broke up amicably. She tried to come back to me later. I didn't bite. She left disappointed a small number of times. I didn't call back. That was it.

No bad blood.
Nothing wrong.
No horrible stories.
Boring story.

Great relationship, don't you think?

Michael Jackson, Spider Bites, Dangling Children Off Of Balconies, Nose jobs, Chimpanzee Molestation, And Sleeping With Young Boys...

I didn't say anything, did you?

Let's go climb a tree...

Cat Scratch Fever...

After the cigarette, I came back inside my house and saw three cats inside.

Only problem is...I only have...TWO.

Ouch.

Real Quick...

Sorry. Watching the Osbournes-but MTV sucks, doesn't it? It has for almost all of my life...

Gotta question though....

How can they justify blurring out someone's butt crack when SNL was showing a plumbers butt crack in the late seventies-early eighties...

Seemed kind of stupid...

But it's MTV.

My fault, sorry.

What The Hell?...

I'm so confused. I just found out that my old grade school has a website. It was a random thought that crossed my mind and one Google search later?...I'm transported back to a time that I remember well, but seem to have forgotten at the same time. There's a picture of the school posted on the site that makes me think of my first day of kindergarten, almost being blown away by the wind in storm when I was in second grade...being a bad boy in sixth...so many memories that would probably bore you to death...I remember how fortunate I was to go to a good school, and I remember how straight-fucking-insane all of the children were in the city that I grew up in. I swear, there must be something in the water because everybody I knew was hilarious, but would kill you in a second. Too much of an overload, I'll tell ya'.

Here's something else...there was a staff list on the website. Most of the names were unfamiliar, but my second grade teacher still teaches there! Yeah, the one who screamed when I opened up the door during that windstorm. I got off of the bus last. It was a horrible, rainy, and windy day. I'm thin now, but back then I looked like a little balloon. I was about as heavy as a kitten. I made the mistake of trying to peek into my older brother's fifth grade class like I always would. The class would wave. I'd make a funny face and the teacher would playfully throw something at me. I started to move towards the windows of my brother's classroom but almost got knocked off of my feet. The big-ass, stupid, adult umbrella that I had, captured the wind and almost carried me away. One foot wasn't touching the ground. I had to hold on to a pole so I wouldn't fly away. I'm serious. I was holding on with all of my strength and could see the laughing heads of my brother's class through the windows. Some were pointing at me. Some looked like they were laughing so hard that they were crying. No one was helping. Visions of Julie Andrews in Mary Poppins went through my head. Did they think I was kidding? I wasn't. I was seriously in danger of being lifted into the air. Everybody would've been really sad if months later they found a thin, little skeleton stuck in a tree somewhere.

I don't know how I did it (maybe I put pebbles in my shoes), but I started to walk to class. I, of course, took the long way around with nothing to duck under. The rain was hard and howling. I tried to make it from pole to pole. My umbrella would flip inside out, I'd face the wind and then it would correct itself. When I opened up the door, it banged open. I don't remember how I shut it. All I remember was the silence. Every head in class turned to look at me. I saw a room full of little mouth "O's". I could hear the dripping of my clothing on the linoleum floor beneath me. Everybody laughed until my teacher screamed, "Oh my god!" and then was promptly arrested for preaching her bullshit religion in my class. No, just kidding. She swooped me up in her fat arms (maybe she wasn't fat, y'know? She could've been normal-sized. Maybe I was just so small that she seemed like a huge ol' fatty. I bet she was quite hefty though. Aren't all grade school teachers?) and put me in some room that I'd never seen before with a washer and dryer and started to take off my clothes!!! She got this weird look in her eye when she started to undo my wet jeans. Just kidding, you perverts! I'll tell church stories some other time. Ha. She took my clothes and put them in the dryer and searched for something for me to wear. I'd kill for a picture of the twenty pound second grader with the Beatles hair, shivering alone in a school laundry room. Actually, you would too, huh? You pervert! NO, SHE CAME BACK WITH AN OVER-SIZED PAINTERS SMOCK! I had to sit in class wearing only a multi-colored, blotchy, painters smock. It looked like something Boy George would wear.

They finally contacted my mother, which scared me even more. My mother was a drunk and Vietnamese-I don't know which is worse. I guess I'm still trying to figure it out, because I guess I'm both right now too. Ha. Yoo reciv petic justuff!, my mom says. See, I've never looked like I was a half-bastard Asian. My fathers strong and stubborn Irish genes kicked the asses of the gook genes that were in my body, so there ain't no slanty eyes on this face. I'm also not devoid in the crotch area either. Thank you, Ireland.

Fuck. Where was I? Oh yeah...drunk, gook mothers. I was terrified that she was coming to school to pick me up. I was surprised too because, she'd never been there before. Was she going to get the class drunk? Two hours later, when she came-I got lucky because they just told me that she was there and I could meet her instead of her coming into my class. She probably would’ve embarrassed me by taking down the address of every classmate of mine and recording the name of their pets. But it might have saved us money on food, so who knows? My little sister was there too. She must have been about...shit; she's four years younger than me. How old is one when they're in second grade? Anyway, she was small and whimpering in the passenger seat when we were driving home. The storm had turned worse. My mother wasn't drunk, but remember...she's Asian. So instead of driving fast and avoiding all of the flying shit all over the place, she drove about ten miles an hour. Everything that was moving through the air was faster than us. I saw a huge tree branch crashing down and fall behind us, blocking the road. My mutha didn't notice. I think she was singing along to The Steve Miller Band. Oh yeah, also? My little sister was probably already taller than my mother by that age.

We made it home and then my mother tried to drink me. End of story.

Sorry about that, ol' chap. I don't know where that came from. I ignored the story about my sixth grade teacher. Not much about him anyway except that he looked like Chuck Norris and would get red-faced furious at me every time that I called him that. I should call him up. I swear! Oh my god! I sound like an adult now; I don't think I have the balls for it. Do I? I want to call him and say, "Hi Chuck!" just like I always used to. I could tell he wanted to bash my fucking head in when I said that. He'll know it's me, won't he? If I did that I wouldn't be able to eat in the school cafeteria now, like I want to. Which leads me to my last part......

One final thing that I noticed on the website of my elementary school was the menu. I don't know why they have that on the site. Maybe it's kind of smart. Kids must dig it because then they could see when the pizza and the grilled cheese sandwiches are being served and ask for junk from home on the other days. Maybe all of the dirty, hippie parents can check up on the menu too, and see when the school's serving something veggie-friendly. Anyway, guess how much a school lunch was when I was a kid? One dollar. Not that bad. You got the main dish, three sides, a dessert, and a milk. The poor kids had a discounted lunch for thirty-five-fucking cents. Dudes, I'm not old. I'm an eighties kid, but thirty-five-fucking cents is the shit. I mean that in a good way. So guess what the price is now? I'm gonna smoke...I'll let you think about it for a while..................
................
......
Okay, I'm back......
.....
THE PRICE IS STILL THE FUCKING SAME! Can you believe that? Is that the one thing in the world that hasn't risen in price? Wow and double-ass Wow. Poor kids can still get a lunch for thirty-five-fucking cents? Who are they sponsored by, McDonalds?

Hail Mary, y'all. I apologize for my vile verbosity.

Vini Vidi Vietnamese.

Good night...

Underwear Where?...

So if i'm washing both my boxers and her panties in the same load,
I'm pretty much engaged, huh?

Hitler's Dog...

I was reading an article about Traudl Junge, Adolf Hitler's last secretary. Wow. Hitler's private secretary? I thought my job was fucking weird. There's a new documentary that screened at Sundance all about her experiences from 1942-1945 called Blind Spot. Reading through the article, I, of course took my normal approach to all things immensely serious...I started to think about Hitler's dog, Blondie.

Yeah. Hitler had a dog. He had a fucking dog. I can't get that out of my mind. Hello, Ruff! I'm Hitler's dog! I can do whatever I want. Can I eat your fingers off? Yes, thank you. Yum. From what I've read, Hitler was completly infatuated and obsessive about Blondie (Not the band). He spent entire evenings playing with her. Hitler got jealous when others petted her. He got excited if she jumped higher than usual. Hitler sounds like a typical boyfriend, actually. Hitler disliked meat, cold rooms, having flowers around (he hated dead things) and being touched. He always washed his hands after playing with Blondie.

Would it be a blessing or a curse to be the canine friend of Adolph Hitler? Would that be equivalent to being the goldfish of Osama Bin Laden? I'd be scared. Maybe, Blondie, as a dog, was happy. She obviously had a master that loved her. Blondie was a German Shepard, of course. I wish that there was such a thing as a Jewish Shepard and that Blondie was actually of mixed blood. Well, I guess that there actually are Jewish Shepards if you you count those that raise sheep. What other nationality doesn't have their own breed of dog? Vietnamese don't for obvious reasons. I wish that I could've been there the first time that Adolph got pissed on. Does the dog of Adolph Hitler go to heaven? And if Adolph Hitler, of all people can own a pet, why can't Satan? As far as I know, Satan doesn't even own a houseplant.

I don't know.

Home Ec...

Seems kind of pointless now that I'm older. All of the shit that I learned how to make, I don't remember now. I once baked a perfect cake in seventh grade, do you know that? Yeah, try getting me to make one now. I'm actually a good cook, but only since dating my girlfriend. I have to or we won't eat. She's so bad, she even burns water. For the end of the year final, my table that consisted of all of my friends, had to make a specialty dish and dessert for a teacher of our choosing. All of the other tables always tried to pick the cool teachers. We picked the ugliest, meanest and fattest one. She taught English and looked like Ursula The Sea Witch from The Little Mermaid. We made yummy hamburgers followed with Ex-Lax-laced brownies. We also got in trouble in class constantly, hit on the big-breasted girls at the table in front of us, and had to bribe the female teacher with daily hugs everyday so that we never had to go to detention. They passed me out in class one day and I had a dream about trains.

I took Home Ec. in high school also. I only did it for the free food. I made the worst chili in the class because I didn't know that I had to drain out all of the liquid from the vegetables. A freshman girl punched me in the face. I stole crackers. I watched countless hours of The Frugal Gourmet. We had a final in that class too. So my friend Joe and I invited out guitar teacher. We made Cornish game hens and wild rice from scratch. After eating his food, he asked us, " So does this mean that you're finally going to come to class?" I told him, "No, that's why we're giving this too you."

I should've learned how to brew beer. It would've saved me money.

Fucking school. Blah.