Who Changes Baby New Years Diapers?...

This year I managed not to get mauled by a pack of wild dogs. That's good.
I rarely kicked anyone in the crotch.
I managed to infuse my body with just about as much booze as oxygen.
I fought balding for another year.
I lost weight. Now I weigh 135 instead of 136.
I read things other than porn.

I stopped visiting your mom.

She says to write her, by the way. And to send money.

Happy New Year, you bastards!

I have something(s) to tell you...

I curse IKEA for what it does to my girlfriend.

Please cry me a river. I can't get that stupid
Justin Timberlake song out of my head even
though I've only heard it reluctantly in the last month.

New Years Eve means more work for me.

I hate car insurance. I'm scared of cops right now.

I have a new record player and am playing Perry Como.
Does that make me hip, or a complete, fucking idiot?

Should I post a picture of myself on this site? I'd be scared to do it.

Have you scrolled down to my links and talked to my new-and -improved-gothic-Hives-lead-singer-robot?

I'm going to play Castle Risk tonight.

And I'm gay.


Thank you for your support.

How's It Feel, Bitch?...

Huh? Nose back to the grindstone yet?
Need some coffee?
That fat whore from QA is still wearing her perfume too strong,
except now she's wearing her new Christmas perfume and it's vanilla-scented.
The obnoxious, fat tech guy is talking too loudly about what he got for Christmas.
Your supervisor left you a fat stack of shit to work through before you even took your coat off.
You are in debt.
There are new rules posted somewhere about...something.
Seeing the Two Towers still did nothing to erase your memory of this place.


Welcome back to work, you fuckers.

Why Is It Always Cats And Dogs?...

Tom's always chasing Jerry.
Itchy and Scratchy.
Not Ren and Stimpy.
Rex chased Heathcliff.

Who else?

Let's stop this cat on dog and dog on cat crime.

His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
There's vomit on his sweater already, mom's spaghetti
He's nervous, but on the surface he looks calm and ready
To drop bombs, but he keeps on forgettin
What he wrote down, the whole crowd goes so loud
He opens his mouth, but the words won't come out
He's chokin, how everybody's jokin now
The clock's run out, time's up over, bloah!
Snap back to reality, Oh there goes gravity
Oh, there goes Kevynn, he choked
He's so mad, but he won't give up that
Is he? No
He won't have it , he knows his whole back city's ropes
It don't matter, he's dope
He knows that, but he's broke
He's so stacked that he knows
When he goes back to his mobile home, that's when it's
Back to the lab again yo
This whole writing shit
He better go capture this moment and hope it don't pass him

And that's my post.

Thank you, yo.

Choose Your Sides Carefully...

It's better to drink at a bar than to be the bartender behind it.

I'm tired.

good morning.

Horrible Crap Part 1...

The Never Ending Story.

I know you all like it
- especially you girls -
but I could never stand that fucking film.
My father always used to stick me in summer school
when I was in the elementary grades because he was afraid
I'd kill somebody while he was away at work.

It just made me want to kill everybody who went there. The teachers looked tired. They didn't want to be there either. They treated you like shit. It was hot. They tried to use ice cream parties as treats. Gee, 50 cent ice cream. Roll over. Play dead. Who cared? Everybody except me. That's why everybody's fat now and I'm not, I guess. Anyway, on Fridays, regular lessons would be cut short and we watched movies in the dark. Which was better than the normal routine. Classrooms always looked better with the lights off, I'd always get disappointed when they turned them back on. Where were all the staff? Smoking pot in the teachers lounge? Making out in the photo labs? I hated going to summer school for no reason, but hated the movies that they'd make me watch more. Fuck, even in classes during the regular school year - they'd throw movies at us on rainy day recesses. Is that all that they could think up? Why didn't they stick us all in the gym and give us sticks and watched us beat the shit out of each other? Movies? I know, kids eat up anything on the screen. Even if they've seen it a million times because it's different watching it at school. But, c'mon. Condor Man? All the Herbie/Car movies. The Apple Dumpling Gang. Witch Mountain Whatever. Sucky.

But in summer school it seemed like they showed it every week. The stupid Never Ending Story is right. I'd be in agony. Stupid boy. Stupid flying dog. Stupid talking rocks. Stupid movie. Now The Dark Crystal! That was cool. How come they never showed Star Wars at my school? Only the same movie every week. The same soon-to-be pep squad girls crying at the end of the movie when the boy, Atrau something or other, had to save the universe and read from a book and some princess girl was doing something. Talking. Looking like a princess in a crappy movie. I hate it. I'm gonna buy a copy just to douse in lighter fluid.

The Never Ending Story was horrible crap.


Thank you and good night.

Angels Are Just Fat Ass Babies With Wings...

So if you took away everybody's cars and gave them
a Colobus monkey, Rhesus monkey, Spider monkey, and a Chimpanzee,
All on leashes - and armed with Samurai swords...

Do you think the world would be a different place?

Santa Hates Santana, But Likes Satan...

Nice, but I'm glad it's over.
After all of the stupid New Year crap is done,
then we'll be back to our regularly scheduled programming, won't we?

Good.

To Justin Timberlake...


Merry Christmas.