Mi Ojos...

Man, have my dreams been crazy lately or what?
Seriously. They've all been nuts. All of them involve women.
Ummm...maybe I shouldn't say anymore.

Cat...



Jumped on my shoulder while I was pooing.
I tried to lean a little...
and it was an expensive sweater, y' know?
So, I tilted to the right - but he wasnt down with that.
His grip only tightened.
So, then I tried to, kind of, lean towards the left. Towards the shower.
I pulled back the curtain and...
He clawed the hell out of my neck.
I screamed.
On the toilet.
It would've beenn a lot funnier if you would've been there.
But...why would you be in the bathroom with me anyway?
Get out.
Don't stay.
How do I get in these situations, btw?
If my life was a movie - you'd pass it off as poorly written...

Oh...wait.

Be Like Einstein…



Think of Cosmological Constants, but forget to get a haircut.

What’s Einstein like, Yolanda? He’s cool…he’s cool…

It’s been raining sporadically in the past week. I’m apologizing to it right now. I’ve been ignoring it. I feel horrible. This may be the only time in my life in which I’ve totally been unaware of my surroundings. I’ve been so wrapped up in bullshit, that I haven’t taken the time to do the things that I used to enjoy and that used to make me an appreciative person. I haven’t once walked around in the rain. I haven’t splashed purposely in a puddle. I haven’t had the windows open. I haven’t once looked up at the sky while it rained. This is all my fault and no one else’s. I’ve forgotten a little of whom I used to be. For this, I beg your humble forgiveness.

But I’m already making atonements for my sins.

I’m typing this on a laptop in the backyard in the rain.

In my underwear.

Thank you. Have a nice day.

Now My Socks Are Wet...

Hey now. We just cleaned the carpets, so I have to take off my shoes. Well, actually...we didn't just clean the carpets - she did. I was at the neighbors playing JENGA. I ended up losing the big match. I now have the title, " Ultimate Loser. " I can live with that. Sticks and stones may break my bones, but JENGA will never hurt me. I wish I was made of wood. Some would say that since that I'm a male - that in a way - I am. I can live with that also. Anything that anybody says about me tonight must be true. That's how I feel right now. Yup. I agree.

Five Dollar Boom Boom...



I seriously used to hump bedposts and basketball poles when I was young...

Am I ashamed?

Maybe.

Sex And The Wussy...

What's worse? Dashing home to record the Sex And The City cast farewell on Oprah after work for my girlfriend, or me being just as excited to watch it as her? I think I know the answer to this one...

Harvey Pekar Depot...

So far, I picked up the sucky-ass tulips that I ordered, and did a double take. The arrangement seemed way too small. I told the gals at the flower shop that this one wasn't mine. They showed me the receipt. I paid thirty dollars for poo. I said thank you. Started laughing in the car. Gave the girlfriend her present. It was nice. Now I'm gonna go eat. Then I'm gonna start drinking. Then I will chop off her head and hide the body. Stupid Valentines Day.

Mrs. Vlad Tepes = Happy...

Seriously, I think that this may be the earliest I've gone to sleep in a loooooooonnng time...

Rejoice!

Right About Now...

Tha funk soul brutha'. I know you were thinking that when I said it. Anyway, I can't hear a damn thing right now. My ears have been all plugged up since I've been a little sicky lately and now I gave it to my girlfriend, but she's got it ten times worse than I had it. Round of applause for me, please. Thank you. I'll be here all week. Remember to tip your waitresses...

So...whatever you've been saying about me - I can't hear you, go nuts - you fargin' bastiches.

Just Got Back From Taking...

No, not a poo - but the new cat to the vet to get his balls snipped off. I've never had a guy cat before. I never knew what a pissy, little horny cat can make a house smell like. It's been miserable. So, off he went. And now, maybe he's in a cage? pumped up full of drugs to make him sleep easier. He's a pound lighter and dreaming...of taking a big crap in one of my shoes when he gets back...

I'm sorry, Spider-The-New-Cat.

Oh, wait...no, I'm not.