Found this...

June 4, 2012

Hi Pooper!

I just thought I would leave a little note.  I want to tell you how much I loooooove you and that I recently saw/read what you posted on your blog, and couldn’t help but wonder if some of it was about us… Or rather me in particular. The post entitled ‘You’?  I really liked it, and whether is was a comment on our love or connection, I want you to know that I have never lost my love for you or us. It may not show as strongly as it did when we first met, but it is as deep and vast as the universe and it continues to grow every second. You are a beautiful man, a loving friend, and a sensitive lover. I am forever grateful for our first dance and couldn’t imagine you not in my life.

Thank you for making me feel special, and for always treating me with love and respect. Now, don’t stay up too late- You need rest!

Xoxoxo

Rachel

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"You were sick, but now you are well again. And there's work to be done." 

It’s a Vonnegut quote. He had a fictional character named Kilgore Trout that is prevalent in a lot of his books. He travels through time a lot. Even though that I have not read as many books of Vonnegut’s as I would like – I appreciate his talent, lack of conformity and his abundant imagination. The picture is my nod to Kilgore Trout. The quote above grabbed my attention and was very relative to an absorption of my own past, present and future.

 “I am The Great Yellow Hope.”

Random thought in my head.

“YOU

can always find it again

anybody can

but what matters most

is what you do with it

now that you have it

again”

I was talking to myself but also talking to anybody and everybody. It wasn’t directed towards you. Kind of a loose, Buddhist Mantra. Like me writing in a journal. Like me telling something to a kid or like me telling something to a friend. Part of it is a reminder to myself and anybody who has to be reminded to recognize beauty and opportunity when in presents itself. To tap into the learn(ed) self and not and to convert regrets into positivity. To be better with love. To recognize how unappreciated it was and cognizant of how important it is?

“I don't really think

that you know what I'm doing
my fear is that
before that you know how much better that I've made things
that you'll be gone before you see it”

I’m a work-in-progress. Yet, worth it. This was also written about world history, human nature and my want to see humans to continue to explore this world and others. Meow.

“men

make beats in the background
we, (wo)men
filled with woe
woo and whoa and wring and waste
our will, wants and wishes
until we're beat”

To make it quick – it was my version of an old-school type of “Beat Poem” about women complaining about men. I write things like this shit above, or at least in this style because I’m lazy/lazier at a certain hour. I like book-ending things or having them come in a dumb full-circle. This just happened to really make me smile though. The women are talking about….aww fuck it. You get it. I didn’t write it like this on purpose. It just came out. I revised it. Sometimes even the tiniest things can take time for me. Sometimes. It sucks and I know it sucks and I either put it away on paper, save it to draft or erase the shite. Anyway…I like it.

Hmmm…I loved seeing something that you wrote to me, all prepped up on the computer for when I got home. I fucking love it. You doomed me though, Love! How can I NOT respond to you? I love you reading anything that I’ve written, I love sharing everything with you. I do. I want to share even more with you! Ask me questions! Write stories with me! Paint with me! Sculpt with me! Do dumb shit with me! You’ve kept me up and I will probably be up when your alarm goes off. I’ve been in the backyard for a long time, kind of cold. It drizzled a bit. The moon is still out even though it’s 4:48 in the A.M. It’s noisy. The Fullerton trains are making a ruckus. Terry Barr invited me to his bachelor party weekend but it’s when your Mom and Caden are going to be down. Why haven’t I called my Dad? I think that I just more Malone history for our kids in the last month. I’m not going to beat myself up over this anymore. They were never a part of my life. I appreciate them and want them to be around for as long as possible. They probably will. Sometimes it’s better. Life is not defined by your past but by the quality of your life today. The battery just ran out on this computer. Your alarm will go off in 14 minutes. I love you with all of my heart, Rachel and I will always be here for you. I promise this. I will be the man that you love and will diligently and constantly strive to be the man that you and I…deserve.