"Pissed Off Cyrus" Written By Tom Schmitt...


I just lost my cell phone.
I got this hooker in L.A., and we went to one of those pay-by-the-hour motels on the Sunset Strip. The hooker was kind of cute, but I spent too much time driving around trying to find the hottest one, before realizing that they all had something wrong with them. Sure their profile looks good, but straight on you realize one eye is smaller than the other, or they've got some weird nose thing going on, or broad shoulders. There wasn't a perfect one in the bunch, but then you figure if they were perfect, they'd either not be hooker's, or they'd be in Vegas, getting what they're worth.
I accepted the fact that the picking's were all mediocre, and I stopped on a corner with three girls all wearing short skirts and fishnets. I turned my radio down and rolled the passenger side window down, leaning over the seat to get a better look. The girls walked to the car, all of them speaking hooker cliché’s at once, "Hey, honey, what's up?" "You looking for a good time?" "You ain't no cop, is you?" "OOOO, you're cute!" I told them I wasn't a cop, and pointed at one of them, a mulatto, with short dark hair and a cherry red mini skirt, telling her that she'd do. I unlocked her door, pushed it open, and she climbed in, my car quickly smelling like her perfume, and almost disgusting mixture of peaches and pine.
She told me she knew of a little motel around the corner, and as I drove she said her name was Sophia, and that she moved here from Ohio, hoping to make it in acting, but realized that she could make more money hooking, so here she was. I had no response. I didn't care about her. I just wanted some pussy.
We got to the motel, parked, and I told her to wait in the car while I went to the office. I got a room for an hour, and the desk clerk handed me a key and a towel, mumbling something about keeping the room clean, as if they aren't dirty already. I retrieved the Trick from the car and we went to room 206. She asked me what I wanted, and I said "the Whole Shebang." She handed me a condom, and told me to wash my cock. I felt kind of offended by this, being that SHE was the hooker, so I told her that she needed to wash her snatch. She looked kind of surprised, but she did it. Then the games began. . . .

After forty-five minutes, as she was putting on her clothes, she told me that it would be two hundred dollars. I didn't feel like paying her and I told her so. She laughed and thought I was joking, but I was serious. I said, "Look, you weren't even that good, I don't think I should have to pay you." Her face visibly sagged, and she looked at the wall, as if it was interesting, then she said, "Don't make me call Cyrus, 'cause he'll fuck you up, white boy. I gave you a service, and you need to pay me for that service, got it?" I stood up from the bed, still naked, and walked over to the phone. It was one of those old rotary phones, where the receiver sits on a cradle. I picked it up and walked toward her as she was putting her earrings in her lobes. "Call the motherfucker," I said, "Here, I'll help..." As I said this I swung the phone at her head, hitting her square in the temple. She stumbled back and fell against a small desk that was in the corner. I came at her again, but realized that phone would only go so far, so I ripped it out of the wall and bashed her head in. She never made one noise, as if accepting her fate, which was definitely a bonus.
I stole all her money and her earrings, which were cheap, but I thought my mom might like them. I put on my clothes and left, feeling much better about myself, but I left my cell phone in the room. Oh well, you win some and you lose some, eh?