Jawa Sand Crawlers...



I think that The Olympics would be a lot more interesting if they unleashed baby sharks in the pools while people were swimming and gave all of the gymnasts ninja swords or two 9mm's.

Broke My Promise...

Two bruised ribs from a waterslide.
A skinned spine, knee and left arm to compliment the right.

I realize that I have a problem with swimming.

Admitting that I have a problem is the first step to curing myself of this horrible addiction that I carry.

From this day forth, I am...water-free.

Gwen Stacey's Broken Neck...

I promise to not hurt myself at the pool party tomorrow.
I've had a pretty decent gouge in my right arm from the last one a couple of weeks ago. It has looked nasty and I'm glad it's almost fully healed. With my luck, I'll probably mess up the other one.

Never get drunk and do anything that involves water, people.

Not with Water People. I mean, in the water.

Definitely DO get drunk with Water People if you ever encounter any.

Mermaids and Mermen might be cool to party with.

Especially Mermaids.

Just hope that they don't smell like fish.

Ashlee Simpson...

So, was totally bored out of my mind for a good portion of the day. Needed to sleep because this is something that I never do and it was one of the first Saturday's that I didn't have to attend a birthday party, funeral or celebration of a funeral. I slept a lot, but unfortunately, it was not the sleep of the dead that i very, rarely attain - it was the sleep granted by The Great Demon Of sporadicticity. Yeah, Scrabble judges. You go.

I watched Attack Of The Clones, for the poopeenth time, watched Bubba-Ho-Tep and watched myself slowly go insane. I was supposed to go out to Long Beach for a rockstar friend's party but didn't go because I wasn't going to go with my car and Cartoon Pig didn't want to drive.

I farted around forever at the house and then finally went out after midnight. SO L.A. time. It would be a lot cooler and a lot more entertaining if I actually lived there. Maybe not.

Went to a couple o places. Saw some friends. I guess the theme of the night was Girls Hit On My Girlfriend And Tell Me How Much I Have To Appreciate Her Night. Which is cool and all but also makes me want to kick them in the bi-sexual crotch because, yes, I know, okay - so - shut your vagina...unless you want to come home with us...which could've happened, but - who cares. Maybe. Can happen. Need it to? Nope? Sooner or later, there'll be a crazy post in my future. Maybe.

Anyways...I like Gnomes.

And I've been typing this in-between bouts of my girlfriend puking.

The Gnomes are taking over.

Goodnight.

Why I'm A Horrible Boyfriend Reason No. 643832...

her - Honey, I dreamt that you died!
Me - That sucks. Really? How?
her - I don't remember. It was horrible.
Me - Well, maybe I AM dead and this is just a dream, and then when you wake up, I'll really be dead.

She starts to cry.

This Is My 777th Post...

Diebold Voting Machines...



So, since I'm a yellow, lazy bastard, totally tired and just plain out of trinkets - I'd rather post a list about what I could be writing. (again)

Why I hate the computer
My old notebooks
Me and kids
My version of a room
Why I cant write
Why I cook and why I don’t eat
Why I drink so many liquids
Insomnia history
Latch key kid
Write a series of books like THE GREAT BRAIN
Write your own version or The Brothers Lionheart but use your old medieval trilogy idea

But, I did write a little on these two cool-ass places.

Word up.

gee funk money playa hayta dolla dolla bills y'all yoyoyo

Hammurabi's Code Of Underwear...

You should come visit me over here.
I really think you should.
I'll be happy.
And trust me - you want to make me happy.
You really do, I know it.
Focus today on making me squeal like Ned Beatty.
You don't even have to touch me in the place where my bathing suit covers.
Which is France. My bathing suit covers France.
That was stupid.
But made me laugh.

Goodbye, Toadface.

That was stupid too.

And didn't make me laugh.

Jibjab...



Woke up early and went to see over 200 human bodies dissected in various states and put on artistic and medical display. A pregnant corpse with an eight month old fetus in her belly, a horse skinned, brains, intestines, nerves, muscles...I saw a man made of tissue holding up his body's skin.

I climbed a rock wall.

I pedaled a bike across a wire on the second story of a building. I tried to tip the bike so that I would fall in the net below me, but I had counterbalancing and science against me.

I ate Ethiopian food in downtown L.A.

I slept through traffic.

I heard John Kerry speak.

I read comics.

Played Star Wars Galaxies.

Hung out with friends.

Now I will play Poker.

Then I will sleep.

And dream of demons eating my flesh.

Viva Las Ras A Ghul...

I'm Here, Huckleberry...



Created a new website. Drop by and write real quick.

Thanks, Bubba..

Johnathan Crane...

i FEEL AS OLD AS i THOUGHT THAT i DID WHEN i WAS YOUNGER, EXCEPT THAT NOW - i'M ACTUALLY THAT OLD.

eVERYTHING THAT HAPPENED WAY BACK WHEN SERVED IT'S PURPOSE.

nOW THAT I LOOK BACK, NOTHING SURPRISES ME, EXCEPT THE THINGS THAT i DIDN'T EXPECT TO HAPPEN. aLL OF THE THINGS THAT HAVE HAPPENED MAKE SENSE.

tHE FUTURE LOOKS GREY.

mY SKIES HAVE NEVER BEEN THAT BLUE, AND EVEN AT MY DARKEST - THERE WAS STILL AN AMPLE AMOUNT OF LIGHT PEEKING THROUGH THE BLINDS.

i CAN'T QUANTIFY TIME THROUGH MY FEET BECAUSE i'M LAME IN ONE.
mY ARMS AND HANDS ARE SCARRED.
mY EYES ARE oSIRIS'.
mY FINGER AND TOENAILS GROW AT A RAPID RATE.
i HAVE BAD KNEES DUE TO SKATEBOARDING INJURIES.
mY LUNGS NEED A NEW WHEELCHAIR.
tHE OLD WRITING HAND THAT i BARELY USE ANYMORE DUE TO COMPUTERED CONTRAPTIONS SCREAMS EVERYTIME THAT i WRITE DUE TO OLD FIGHTS WITH CLOSET DOORS AND WALLS.

YET...

tHE BRAIN AND THE HEART COME TO VISIT ONCE A WEEK.
tHE LIVER HATES AND HATES AND HATES.

i WANT TO BE THE BEST-LOOKING VAMPIRE EVER.

hAPPY TO BE ALIVE.

Marvin Gaye...

Just saw two old men fighting each other at a bar.
I didn't break it up, it just made me tired.
And then I left out of the side door.

Publish Post...



"What matter most is how well you walk through the fire."

Sometimes.

Sorry, Hank.

But, sometimes what matters most is...if you're walking at all.

Nelson Riddle Me This, Batman...

I just erased my post.

It was about how people trap you and talk your ear off when you're a bartender.
I said something about sleeping the sleepy sleep of all sleepdom.
Then, I uh...said something about how my girlfriend will start talking to me while I'm asleep. And then I did something else. And everything went away. Now I must go.
Blogs make me go to sleep now too.

My writing = narcolepsy.

Victor Von Doom And Reed Richards...



Sometimes I rhyme slow, sometimes I rhyme quick...



Sometimes, I hate THE INTERNET. Waste of damn time.



Sometimes, I'm really glad I did it, and sometimes - not.



and sometimes, you realize that half of the stuff you say is meaningless and stupid, but the other half just might be a mark of genius to the retarded.

Al Gore may have created it - but I'm intent on destroying it.

Yeah, That's Right - I'm The Egg Man...

Making deviled eggs again.
That means that the house will smell fartier than usual.

Yes. I said, fartier.

I Have...



all of the symptons of The West Nile Virus.

That's what I get for playing around with the corpses of dead birds.

We Will Become Silhouettes...

the heat pecks at your temples
the worms spoon under your eyelids
fangs split through your gums
and the night goes on forever

Suggested By Isaac Asimov... 
  


Should not be going out to see a couple bands and to sing Karoake.
Should be asleep fighting off this small flu-like-thingy.
Should be smarter.
Should save more money.
Should not of played with all of those little kids at my girlfriend's nieces birthday party
because now I have red hand prints, dirt and food all over the shirt that I was going to wear tonight.
Should blow my nose.
Should not be meeting The Hard Artist and Cartoon Pig. 
Should not feed Gremlins after midnight.
Should see a man about a horse.
Should see your mom.
Should stop now.


 




 

Obi-Wan... 
 

 
more smoke and then I think I'm done for.
 
Too much booze.
 
Listen to this  http://www.audioblogger.com/media/27352/75545.mp3 
 
And then feel happy that you weren't us last night.
 
Even though being totally drunk and hearing Henry Rollins DJing isn't too shabby.
 
goo seep.
 
eric magnus
victor von doom
john lyndon
scott summers
richard leakey
john edwards
emma frost
zeus 


 

Bannock Beans And Black Tea... 
 

   
Looked like earthquake weather outside today. Overcast pink sky, slightly humid and quiet. No earthquake though. I've been through my fair share, and as the years have gone by - I've slept through more and more of them. I figure that if the shit's really going to go down - then no amount of standing under doorways is going to help me.
 
I was on acid and asleep in a car when a huge earthquake hit once. I thought that it was my friends in the park playing tricks on me and pushing the car back and forth. It freaked me out, but, then again, I was on acid and pretty much anything can freak you out.
 
I'm not prepared if a big earthquake hits. I don't think many people are. I do live close to a grocery store and a park. I guess that's good. I have a first aid kit and some water in my car. I also have two crash helmets. Those wont help me. I have a couple hundred old cassette tapes. Those wont help. I have a Daredevil action figure that is waiting to be shipped to the nerd who bought it off me from Ebay. He better hurry his ass up or I'm going to re-list it. Nerd. Hurry. I need the fifty bucks.
 
Now I've jinxed myself and will fish the crash helmets out of my car for me and my girlfriend to wear for the rest of the day. Then I will drink all of the beer in the fridge so that they don't go to waste when the big one comes. 


 

 

Bremen...



Ran into the bedroom to give the girlfriend a kiss. Legs got snagged by two laundry baskets. Fell flat on my face. Now she's done laughing. And I'm done giving her kisses.

Then she asked me if I'd make her something that wasn't fattening. I sliced up some organic cucumbers with a little dish of low sodium soy sauce. She ate half and then gave me the plate. She said she wasn't hungry anymore. Minutes later I heard a plastic-ky-type rustling coming from the bedroom. I ran in and almost tripped over the laundry baskets again. She was eating Cheez-Its.

After this post, I am killing her in her sleep.

Thank you.

Create A New Post...



And the bombs dropped years ago
But our clean up crews are doing their work in the fields
They have the most sophisticated equipment at their disposal

Two plus two equals stop counting
Attila The Hun was yesterday
Today was a verbose, genial Hitler
All of you are The Third Reich
Almost at three strikes
Don’t waste your jugen

Met a man with colon cancer at a bar
And I didn’t talk to him on purpose
A kid jumped on my lap and told me that he loved me
I saw a bird die of West Nile
And a lady in her forties poured her heart out to me about her husband

A guy from Chicago paid for a drink of a friend of mine with ring-studded fists full of money-clipped cash
Fish fell from the sky
I smoked on a bench and watched five crickets jerk spasmodically across the sidewalk
I met a girl with pink hair
I petted a black Labrador with wet fur
I drank seven beers
I ate a New York Steak
I wished
I fished
I digress
Half of this stuff is made up
and that was today
but it's okay

because it was all part of my happy meal

Cortez And The Fountain Of Youth...

If you ever want to see what I was like when I was young -
wake me up on my only day off and then have me do errands with you -
because I start crying like a fucking baby.

Blackstar...



After I climbed on the roof and tried to grab the cat that was sitting on top of my chimney, I went and joined two female friends and one girlfriend at a restaurant. Of course they were haunted parasitically by boys. Of course the cockroaches scurried when the Kev light came on. Of course we got the hell out of there after that. They all told me creepy stories about guys hitting on them. This is after about...three hours. Why do girls tell you stories about how uncomfortable they were? When you ask them why-didn't-they-just-say-this? and why-didn't-you-just-do-this? they giggle and say that they didn't want to be mean. Hmmm...makes no sense. I could go on a tangent here, but I won't. I don't like to generalize and I don't like to write too much about even-stupider-stuff than the usual drivel that I vomit out, but...doi, duh, blah, foo, poo...c'mon. Enough said.