Wednesday, October 30, 2013

There are so many things that I want to do right now
So many things that I want to put down
Mass-Invite for Enders Game
more movies and books
to check out
based on
conversations
need to do the fund-raiser
how is Mark?
ebay sales
more stuff to sell now
my little sister
how is my Dad?
my Mother
doesn't have my number
need to reconnect with
old people from the
old companies for
full-time writing gigs
this means travel
or relocating, maybe

finish reading
Area 51
Under The Dome
The Giver
thebookthatSTEVEgave me
The Tender Bar
I846
Doctor Sleep
Night
and more...

Comic Books from the library
BLACK from CNN
research my inevitable Fukishima death
and need to work on my winter garden
eat more vegetarian
Kirkus Review gig

I have notes taped in my kitchen re:social engagements
I need to get more sleep
I want to figure out how to put my "Bartending/Romance" script/mess in my local theater
Now, "Wade" want's me to submit material for a theater XMAS show
"Andy" never got back to me about his lyric rewrites that he wants me to help him with
I need to work on my Fat Free Milk book
Need to remember to go to "Kelly's" art show
"Luis" and I are supposed to play drums and electric bass like we used to
"Tony" wants to do more hip-hop songs
My cartoon script needs a home

I want to build a green house for you/me/us

Visit ALL of my nephews
Ann is dying
My Dad is dying
There is a black cat
in the middle of
the street right now

I need to pound out that dent in my car
I need to fix these XMAS lights
I need to save money for Hawaii,
                                       the IRS
                                       CAR and more...
                                       more dentist work
                                       more Muay Thai again
                                       and finally some Krav Maga

save money for the expensive shoes that I like
sell everything
I need more contact lenses
I need to sell all of my DVD's
Set a date for my next Sci-Fi Club
Have a party
Go to Brooklyn
Joshua Tree like i used to
Buy "Black-Out Curtains"

Spend more time with
April and Jamal
and Chris and Tony
and Joe
and continue to make mew friends
to buy a fire-pit because everybody loves fire
to work harder
to work LESS
to be THE same
but be DIFFERENT
to love MORE
and to HATE less
to look UP more
and to not be so DOWN

I'm giving so much
and giving so many things away
always learning
always yearning

playmorechess
buyabaseballglove
tobuymorearrows
andabetterbow
tobuyagun
and
to m e d i t a t e MORE
and to stretch moooooorrrreeeee
to relearn how to write
to take more trips by myself again
to learn how to install dimmers for my lighting fixtures
to learn what cloud formations mean
                     coding
                     programming
to make money off of my dumb websites
to woodwork
to buy the tools to build things
to build my own motorcycle
to go away at least for one week
and to not tell you where I am/have been
to buy fishing equipment
to rotate/restock the emergency supplies in my car
to give creative writing courses
to read The Tarot
to relearn my World Map
to know Astronomy
and to contribute as a business owner to my local economy
to reread my college philosophy books

to write
     Gun Arm
     PAYNE
     Hydromania, Prozac and The Apology
and
 to write words for Mike Magowski
and
 to write words for Mandie Bee's photos

Funny thing...the other weekend?
He didn't mean any ill-will
but Nick asked me innocently
if I had I hard time concentrating?

I was, like...Duh?

and he said that he and Terry that
that me
especially @home
that I did

I said, like - DUH?
and muttered something about ADHD

I told him about how I cant keep still
how it's hard for me to concentrate
I can. I do. But. I can't all of the time
It's random.
Sometime's selective
Sometime's impossible
It's hard

I'm proud that I've done what I've done

You can help me breathe, relax a bit
focus, for sure
but it will never help
ALL of the time
what YOU get, but most importantly
what I GET is a variance of
1 to 53%
anything above 53%
is a Godsend
and an amalgam of
your beautiful positivity
and my unfathomable love

help me to produce more on paper
                                       on The internet
plant seeds in your mind(s)
to make you smile
to make you read
and
to make you think
to make you happy
to make ME happy

ALWAYS

i know that you wish
and want more of me
and, please
with the support and
the gentle proddings
and the love

I LOVE IT
inhale it
i ingest it
and take it
hoarding the encouragement

But, remember...
I GET BETTER
thinking
progressing
regressing
real-life meets
creative and spiritual life
but?

I have written more things down on paper and on The Internets
and on The Websites
blahblahblah
than you ever have
and than you ever will in your lifetime

I'm not judging you
everybody's different
THERE ARE BROWN SNOWFLAKES

just.kind.of.relax, okay?
encouragement is awesome
GIVE IT
I'll take it
I mean it
just
relax
I get better every day
and with your help
I do

I write things sometimes
and...it's cool
so
like my writing
and
like my life
if I can
put a portion of that down
if I can
put a portion of that down
and convert it into portions that
can drown the portent that I see
friends
lovers
firsts
seconds
then all win

this is all normal
relax
HEY
RELAX
dontlistentothem
dontlistentoyourself
relax
relax
RELAXXXXXXXXXXXXX

there are so many things to get to
towards
backwards
forwards

your mind

popcorn synapses

you will never be able to put everything down
impossible
this is normal

relax

Saturday, October 12, 2013

Oh, SELF. Oh, Fat Free Milk...

I wrote on paper tonight.

Isn't that enough?

Leave me alone, asshole.

Jesus.

Friday, October 11, 2013

These Sticks Of Mine...



I bought these in China Town. In Los Angeles. I'm having to soak them in hot water repeatedly to erase the stickers and the color off of them. I give up. I will use a fork. Or as my Vietnamese Mother pronounces? Poooohhharrrk. No play Pootbahhhlllll in tahhh Haaawwssseee!!!

Thursday, October 10, 2013

This. Weak.



Ihavespentmoretime
writingthingstowritehere
but
haven'tbecausewhatI'vewritteninthenotebookslately
hasbeentoobig
andmaybetoolaborioustowriteremotelyin2dimensions
when I need to stop and/relax/breathe and do my mind and body the justice to learn about myself in 3rdand4th dimensions...







Thursday, October 03, 2013

Everything is a note
in some song
all life is music
and has a rhythm
a melody
sometimes chaos

a cacophony of...?

Tuesday, October 01, 2013

10

01001001 00000000 00100000 01101000 01100001 01110110 01100101 00100000 01101000 01100001 01100100 00100000 01100001 00100000 01101000 01100001 01110010 01100100 00100000 01101100 01101001 01100110 01100101 00001010 01001001 00100000 01101000 01100001 01110110 01100101 00100000 01101000 01100001 01100100 00100000 01100001 00100000 01100010 01100101 01100001 01110101 01110100 01101001 01100110 01110101 01101100 00100000 01101100 01101001 01100110 01100101 00001010 01000110 01101111 01110010 00100000 01101101 01100101 00100000 01101100 01101111 01110110 01100101 00100000 01101001 01110011 00100000 01101100 01101111 01110110 01100101 00100000 01100001 01101110 01100100 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100101 01110010 01100101 00100000 01101001 01110011 00100000 01101110 01101111 01110100 01101000 01101001 01101110 01100111 00100000 01100010 01110101 01110100 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100101 00100000 01100101 01111000 01101001 01110011 01110100 01100101 01101110 01100011 01100101 00100000 01101111 01100110 00001010 01010011 01100101 01100101 01101001 01101110 01100111 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100101 00100000 01110111 01100001 01111001 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100001 01110100 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 00100000 01101100 01101111 01101111 01101011 01100101 01100100 00100000 01100001 01110100 00100000 01101000 01101001 01101101 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100101 00100000 01101111 01110100 01101000 01100101 01110010 00100000 01101110 01101001 01100111 01101000 01110100 00001010 01001011 01101001 01101100 01101100 01110011 00100000 01101101 01100101 00001010 01101001 01110100 00100000 01100111 01101001 01110110 01100101 01110011 00100000 01101101 01100101 00100000 01101100 01100101 01110011 01110011 00100000 01100110 01100001 01101001 01110100 01101000 00100000 01110100 01101111 01110111 01100001 01110010 01100100 01110011 00100000 01100001 00100000 01100110 01110101 01110100 01110101 01110010 01100101 00100000 01110111 01101001 01110100 01101000 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 00001010 01111001 01100101 01110011 00001010 01101100 01101111 01110110 01100101 00100000 01100101 01111000 01101001 01110011 01110100 01110011 00001010 01100001 01101110 01100100 00100000 01100101 01111000 01101001 01110011 01110100 01100101 01100100 00001010 01100010 01110101 01110100 00100000 01001001 00100000 01100101 01111000 01101001 01110011 01110100 00001010 01100001 01101110 01100100 00100000 01001001 00100000 01101110 01100101 01100101 01100100 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 00100000 01110100 01101111 00100000 01101100 01101111 01110110 01100101 00100000 01110100 01101111 01100100 01100001 01111001 00001010 01110100 01101111 00100000 01101100 01101111 01110110 01100101 00100000 01101101 01100101 00100000 01101101 01101111 01110010 01100101 00001010 01110100 01101000 01100001 01101110 00100000 01110011 01101111 01101101 01110100 01101000 01101001 01101110 01100111 00001010 01100001 01101110 01100100 00100000 01110011 01101111 01101101 01100101 01100010 01101111 01100100 01111001 00001010 01110100 01101000 01100001 01110100 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 00100000 01110111 01101001 01101100 01101100 00100000 01101110 01100101 01110110 01100101 01110010 00100000 01101000 01100001 01110110 01100101 00100000 01100001 01100111 01100001 01101001 01101110 00001010 01001001 00100000 01101000 01100001 01110110 01100101 00100000 01100100 01101111 01101110 01100101 00100000 01101001 01110100 00001010 01111001 01101111 01110101 00100000 01101000 01100001 01110110 01100101 00100000 01100100 01101111 01101110 01100101 00100000 01101001 01110100 00001010 01101000 01101111 01110000 01100101 01100110 01110101 01101100 01101100 01111001 00001010 01111001 01101111 01110101 00100000 01100011 01100001 01101110 00100000 01100100 01101111 00100000 01110100 01101000 01101001 01110011 00100000 01110111 01101001 01110100 01101000 00100000 01101101 01100101 00001010 01110100 01101111 00100000 01101100 01101111 01110110 01100101 00100000 01101101 01100101 00001010 01110100 01101111 00100000 01100111 01100101 01110100 00100000 01110100 01101000 01110010 01101111 01110101 01100111 01101000 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 01110010 00100000 01101000 01100001 01110010 01100100 00100000 01110100 01101000 01101001 01101110 01100111 01110011 00001010 01110100 01101111 00100000 01101000 01100001 01110110 01100101 00100000 01100001 00100000 01100010 01100101 01100001 01110101 01110100 01101001 01100110 01110101 01101100 00100000 01101100 01101001 01100110 01100101 00001010 01110111 01101001 01110100 01101000 00100000 01101101 01100101 00001010 00001010



Monday, September 30, 2013

9

love of
mine.
benign
nigh
night
asinine
assign
ensign
cosign
Bill Nye
restrain
HouseofAlexanderPayne
feign
find
friends
fiends
love. all
in
time.
love is love
love
9-5?
all of
the
time




Tuesday, September 10, 2013

8

is a snowman
or a ZERO wearing a tight belt
8
is before the German "Nein" for my American "No"
which may make a 7 a positive before you become internationally negative
8
has nothing to do with appetite
weight ain't nothing but a number
8
is an Infinity Symbol doing a yoga pose OR one standing at attention
888
is a picture taken of three Hungry, Hungry Hippos from a birds-eye POV
8 your brain...made me twice as smart
g is you - shorter and with a beer gut
8 should be a luckier number than 7 because it's just...a little bit more
8 is like...a 10!
on a scale of 1-10
8 divided by two is 4!!!
whatisitgoodfor

8



Wednesday, September 04, 2013

SEX(y)

is
attention
is
tolerance
imperfection
is
repetition
and
loving affection


 


Saturday, August 31, 2013

5:00 in the morning...

is my reverse alarm clock
5:00 in the evening ...
kcolc mrala esrever ym si


Friday, August 30, 2013

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

TWO

Two times. Two times too many you've dangled that carrot in front of my eyes, man. Leading me blindly - speaking to me softly...full of promises and sweet rewards.

As I trod on and on and on...

Signed,

DONKEY

Thursday, August 15, 2013

ONE

Evening when I was writing after work, something happened. A doppelganger of myself popped up right beside me.

POP! 

It actually sounded like that. I jumped/swore/and fell off the couch. He/Me/I/It was wearing the same clothing as I was. I fell on my ass and rubbed my eyes with the heel of my palms.

He/Me/I/It sat there, looking just as shocked as I was.

I and He/Me/I/It  both said at the same time, "What the fuck?"

And then we fainted.

That was a long time ago. Now were the best of friends. We're the reason that we don't return your phone calls, why we avoid certain events, why we procrastinate to points of complete, illogical explanation - it's because we're just so fucking cool. We make ourselves laugh, we tell dumb jokes, trade books, comic books, read passages of poetry to each other - we start to write things but usually end up getting distracted and end up doing something else completely different. One night may start with us making Zucchini bread and then an hour later we're acting out scenes from Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are dead. Do laundry and end up weeding in the garden. Want to take naps but end up arm-wrestling instead.

We have fun, and lots of it. I don't even know what I would do if I didn't have He/Me/I/It in my life - but there's one thing that we are extremely focused on. One thing that we fear and slightly tremble at the notion of...

We're afraid of the "Un-POP". We've talked about it. We hope to God that it never happens.

That ONE evening, fooling around after work, the doppelganger of ourselves will disappear.

POP!

Just like that. And it'll be done. No more. No Best friend, confidant, go-to-guy. Done, finished, fini.

All alone. Just with ourself.

Just......ONE.




Tuesday, August 13, 2013

tonight


a homeless 23 year old after work toothpaste 20 dollars spun drugs atm frustration

I have so much in the back of my car

and i talked to him

before, he called out to me asking me for something and i yelled out to WAIT

i gave him 1/50th of it

prepper shit in my car

it drives me fucking crazy

i have this stuff but

why cant i change his life?

because i cant?

i know his age drug habits where he sleeps now

he didnt need a sleeping bag, clothes

accepted chocolate, food, all of my huge bags of toothpaste and toothbrushes for him and his friends

razors

i gave him, not advice - but a small amount of shit as I gave him 20 bucks

i told him that I wished that he would use it for food and/or comfort - not drugs but I understand that he was nodding his head because he was appreciative and i get it

i asked him if he was using resources that my city has available for the homeless. Food, shelter, etc.

he said 211?

I said no and started to talk about our PD homeless liason that I know but he started talking about some other stuff and...he wasn't into it.

he said that he had pride to a certain extent and didn't like hand outs as much as everybody else.

we talked more.

he talked about his mother in a minute. She sucked.

he lost it after his girlfriend slept with some guy.

i don't even know where im going with this story. It's late now.

i am not drunk.

i can give a fuck about grammar, syntax, punctuation

i worked tonight. first thing that I had to do was to kick out a person

i made people laugh

business was slow

shit got busy

my job sucks ass

and I have the best job in the world

people would kill me for my job

So, here you have little old, fucking me - just depositing money into my local ATM because I need to, because if I don't, then my world will explode and then implode and explode in an even grander and more majestic galactic thing of beautiful destruction.

I want to take you by your fucking ears and help you.

I can do more. That's what sucks. And, please - do this for me. No, seriously. I'm Fucking RETARDED. I don't know how to do shit. I put the IDIOT into the Idiot Savant.


I am still haunted by being homeless when I was 18-19......


SO...

I was 15 seconds away from home and I turned my car around

I wanted to catch him again and give him more stuff

then I turned my car back around to go home

i understand why

but it bugs me

Oh.

Also?

when I told him that i just got off of work and that i was a bartender
he was very surprised

he said that he thought that I was a doctor

A DOCTOR.

Me?








Sunday, August 04, 2013



E.S.P. Telekinesis. Ancient Astronauts. Nutri-Grain. Pregnancy. Bigfoot. Ecto-Cooler. Malcolm McLaren. Cancer. 5D. Mediocre Mario-Kart. Watches. Me. Fencing. God. Gleek. Gloop. Goop!!! The Goon. The Gooch. Kathleen Kennedy. VALIS. Pleats. EG&G. 1957. Che Guevara. Ultron. Colonel Graff. Dan Sweetman. Astral Projection. Stan Getz. Cần ThÆ¡.  Fat Free Milk. C3-PO. This End Up^. In Love. Yorick. Harper Lee. The Bleed. Dies The Fire. Aries. ISON Comet. Gretal. I LIKE IKE. Crystal Pepsi. Alfred Pennyworth. dec    binary    hex       4 = 00100 = 0x04       8 = 01000 = 0x08      15 = 01111 = 0x0F      16 = 10000 = 0x10      23 = 10111 = 0x17      42 = %0101010 = 0x2A     108 = %1101100 = 0x6C 7418880 = %11100010011010000000000 = 0x713400. Alta Loma, California. Howard Stark. Text “TACO” to 91318. Frak. MI6. Crosley. Lovecraft. Selina Kyle Malone. The Thin  Red Line. Crystal Skulls. Holocrons. D20. THACO. Liberty Board Shop. George McFly. Cambridge. AaBbc. Better dead than Read! The Hedgehog. Zucchini. Mayans. The Pearl. Not Steinbeck. Vornado.  River Pheonix. I want to TEACH children about the joys of the written word, I am my Grandmother’s…ummm- - -uhhhhh, I guess Grandson. I raised myself on her LATIN lessons and her elementary school primers. And maybe with the books –ALL of the wonderous, kind-of crazy/miasmic plethora of fucking weird-ass shit that I had read in book shelves and things that I was told NOT TO TOUCH. I Read them. ALL of them. I READ EVERYTHING. I suck things in my mind. Always, I do it. It causes me pain. JOY. I’m not special – but I am. I have limited memory recall. I regurgitate about 63%, MAYBE in every aspect of my life. I feel guilt about this. I should be smarter. I just can’t remember all of the shit that I read. I don’t tell people that part of the reason that I don’t sleep during the day is that I HAVE TO DRINK LIQUIDS AND HAVE TO READ STUFF. I know that I need to sllep but I get distracted even if I know what I’m watching on the dumb computer is a conduit for knowledge. I am always excited…butbutbut I’m FUCKING RETARDED. I have ADHD. CLINICAL Depression. I am not the kite. I am the heavy string. I am not special. I collect what dust and sediment passes through my ears. It’s all Cilia. It’s all filimental. I think I just made up that word – but it really does make sense of this sensical NON-sense.

AND
I’m
LOVE/a futurist/STRONGER THAN ALL OF YOU/and am learning
SO
I’ll be serious.
Right now.

THESE ARE THINGS THAT I DO WELL:

1.     I can get people excited about books or anything Nerd-Centric.
2.     I REALLY AM A GOOD BARTENDER.
3.     I REALLY AM A GOOD……writer.
4.     I make you laugh.
5.     My insides are good. Perfect health. Drink less.
6.     ADHD, CLINICAL DEPRESSION, and just being Benjamin Button.
7.     I would fight to the death for you.
8.     My love for my little sister.
9.     My love for SCIENCE.
10.  My verbosity.
11.  My HEART.
12.  My tenacity
13.  My friendship.
14.  MY LOVE FOR YOU ALL.




Saturday, August 03, 2013

Just keep swimming...

if this ship was sinking
i would make sure to throw you overboard
because you're a life-preserver




pituarary tracts

its not the meaning of the words
no
they don't get harder to discern
it's the will and the lack of urgency
to put them down that burns

( I don't remember writing this.)

Thursday, July 18, 2013

Independence Hall...


Where were you today

We missed you

Were you stuck in the mud
Were you rearranging The Stars

It's sometimes hard to find you
and keep hold of your hand
while you're wandering, marveling and wondering

We wondered too

Were you with your cats
In your garden
In study
Contemplation
Sad and pondering

We think that you were
where you wanted to be

We missed you
We really did

And it's great
It's awesome
We love it

Just remember
If nothing else

That WE are arranging The Stars too


----------------------------------------------------


This time in between the day and the night
The light kills my sense of life
So scared, turn it off, turn it off

It's dull, this dusk, this desk, this dust
My eyes adjust
I'll blow out the flame
Can you and me remain?

Changes, never been good with change
I hate it when it all stays the same
Caught between the gold and the game
Changes, never been good with change
I hate it when it all stays the same
Caught between the cold and the waves
My heart beats up, again

Once said, words make a world of their own
I misread
I can't get you back on the phone
I'm so tired, so turn it off, turn it off
How's that, last week we were home
You're far away
And I hardly know
Can you and me delay?

Changes, never been good with change
I hate it when it all stays the same
Caught between the gold and the game
Changes, never been good with change
Troubled when it all stays the same
Caught between this cold and the waves
My heart beats up, again

Are you my trouble
Are you my trouble