WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 04, 2004



The Best Thing That I Did Today
Was The Worst Thing That I Could've Done...
Because Then - Everything Was Better After That...


I have a new wallet now. Strikes me funny that, in twenty-eight years, I think that this is only the second time that I've bought one myself. There were probably a couple before that, but they were probably fastened together with Velcro, so they don't count. I might've traded a friend one of my G.I. Joes for one of the wallets that I had before. And the one before this, was a Harley Davidson one that I bought in a biker shop in downtown Cincinnati when I was eighteen. It had a long chain on it. I thought it was cool. And it helped prevent people from stealing it while I tried to sleep on the Greyhound bus too.

Dude, yes - I am getting older...nothing makes an old dog sniff the aging air more than perusing wallets in Target because your old one's on its last thread. I cheaped out and bought it at Target. Do you have Target where you live? It's like the west coast equivalent of your Wal-Mart. Except without the guns. And the old people greeting you. We do have Wal-Mart here though. Don't get me wrong. We have a lot here that you do too. Except White Castles...maybe that's a good thing. But...

Buying a new wallet made me feel ancient. Car lots, buying booze, lap dances, work clothes, ordering for your date, having kids call you SIR...none of this makes you feel as dusty as buying a wallet by yourself. I don't know why, but it does. I also bought some plain, white t-shirts, socks, light bulbs, Cokes, and picture frames. That's old too. But I did spend a lot of time agonizing over whether to buy more Star Wars figures - so that doesn't make me a gray ol' man yet, does it?

If I could've stopped any part of the day today, it would've been the part where I woke up, and if I could've sped up a part of the day it would've been the part that I'm at now. Stretch it to the limit. See what happens in the end before you fall asleep and have to return it the next day to avoid late fees.

I think that I just figured out the law of nature, kids. We have to hunt down all of the cats, let the dogs fight it out amongst themselves and let the monkeys be monkeys. Everything else can be bugs and insects. That sounds good to me.

I'm scared of the snail's pace in the world's race. I remember how cute and sad my little sister was, all at once, when she was young. She used to construct little dollhouses for the numerous snails that used to inhabit our front and backyard bushes. My father eventually found out and made her move her sticky cardboard and miniature plastic furniture mansion outside in the front by the doorbell. One day, as I was getting ready for school, she ran up to me crying. I followed her outside and looked towards the direction that she was pointing at with her tiny little fingers. Cardboard snail shelter intact, but myriad shiny snail trails leading from her house, over the walls, and back into the bushes.

Sad for little girls. A relief for fathers. Freedom for fast-moving snails in the night. It must've been some operation for them under the cover of hushed darkness. I bet they ran real fast. She was only slowing them down.

Little sister's all grown up now, trying to build her own house. While I feel like one of her snails. Except the walls are bigger for me and I can't figure out which way to go. Would you look for me if I left a phosphorescent trail for you? Would you try to retrieve me like she did? Would you try to replace me with another or just forget about me and move on to something bigger?

I like my new wallet. It's nicer. Sleeker. Slimmer. Kind of like how I am now in my older age. I liked only filling in the new wallet with the bare essentials and chucking out the pack rat paranoiac feeling that I-cant–throw-this-away-because-I-think-that-I-might-need-it-in-an-emergency. I like feeling that if an emergency came up and if I needed a number or a scrap of paper that I'd survive and that I should just chill and that none of this stuff comes up anyway, and that if I really needed it - then I could get it - and if I couldn't? Then fuck it. My mind keeps on telling me to get jumper cables for my car, but I still haven't gotten those yet, though - have I? So why worry about having a certain business card? Yes. Why?

Oh...everything's fine. This is part of the reason why I turn nonsense letters into nonsense sentences. This is how I've always been. All questions with, maybe, a different answer every second. Every second breeds more questions - all you're trying to do is catch up. You forget most of it by the time that you wake up the next day - and then...shake...stir...repeat process.

Looking at the long list of ingredients to the package of Pringles that I brought home for my girlfriend makes me depressed. Looking at the cigar to my right doesn't. Uh-huh. Yeah. Hypocrite. I spent all of my day working at a job that I hate doing, now that I should be sleeping at three in the morning - I finally feel alive. Love the girlfriend and can't wait to spend time with her - but now that she's asleep in the next room - I feel alive. Feeling like, I think, the person that she fell in love with. The person at work all day doesn't exist. He's just a gossamer image of me now. Tonight's ME can totally kick today's ME's ass.

I'm getting better and better each day…I hope. I need a little fast and a little slow snail pace. I need what I need based on my schedule. I need you to listen to me. I need to listen to myself. I need to be young and old all in the same moment. I need sleep and I need to wake up. I want you to kiss me and I want you to leave me alone. I need more time and I've used all of mine up. I need to keep drinking and I need to sober up. I need to start running harder. I only want to float. I can' t watch. My eyes won't close. I should stop writing...

But I can't shut up...

When
We
Are
US
y'know?
You and me?
We
Are
Kind of
Sorta
Goddamn cool.
Cool!
Goddamn!
Right?
Sorta.
Kind of.
Right?
Are we...me and you...
y'know...
are we -

kindofsortagoddamncool
youandme
wesortakindaare

y'know?

RIGHT?

DRAFT

and when I'm not trying to prove that my life makes sense
and to not be the stuff of Sleepy Hollow legends
I
learn, learn, learn - about CCD 2011, Reindeer/Caribou/Rachel Reis/Mirah/The Hoover Dam/Air Force 1/The House/Senate/Migratory patterns/Patience/Ghosts/Warren Ellis/Lisa Hannigan/Ollabelle/Love/Chemtrails/The Panchen Lama/Factory farming/Nelson Riddle/Sewing/Tom Stoppard/Bokanovsky's Process/Bokonoism/Rachel OG/S.M. Stirling/Mayans/Jesca Hoop/Hands held/Tesla formulas/Smiles/Fat Man and Little Boy/
I try too much
and now I'm trying to prove that life makes sense
and I've learned to be humble/patient and like WATER
to be so much better then before
I
want to not to speel check my actions
and to Mirriam Webster/iPhone app my heart ALWAYAS

I am the best that I've ever been
I've had glacial progression
and tsunamic moments of clarity
1
2
3
go H20
now!

aspacecadet

explorer Ostrich
with his head in the ground
an insect
trapped in amber
until you release me
from
wonder
fear
and from being stuck
in the past

I come from the future...

Back then we used to write about
Cat Stevens and Sufjan Stevens
factory farming and sustainable agriculture
time in a bottle and
howdoesonemakethat?
tinyworkerscontributing
connectingsynapses
stringsandmemorythings
tobecherished
andputonpedestals
andputonshelves
andthensoldyearslater@estatesales
nowiwriteaboutmyself

I have not written too much lately. I've been distracted. Dealing with things. Overworked and under-stimulated. Part of me didn't miss the writing. I don't miss freelance jobs. I don't miss writing about your DJ's, your magazine, your company or helping to write your screenplay, script, proposal, etc. What I do miss is writing on a front porch, drinking cigarettes and smoking beers furiously. I miss writing things that aren't for anything and that will go nowhere...but here.

God bless this blog.

My head today?

Charles Lindbergh and Amelia Earheart had a baby.

Cloud fury.

This Year... (sort of)

i died
got better
and then got betterbetter
got creative (sort of)
got comfortable (sort of)
tried (sort of)
and feel now
like getting better
all of the time
with practice
and consistency (all of the time)
with LIVING (all of the time)
this year (and NEXT year)

Hermes...

You don't have a pen that I can write with and no paper to write upon with the pen that I don't have. I wanted to make a Facebook status update in regards to how happy I am at the moment but I didn't want to get responses back via my phone. It's set to high volume because we have to wake up in the morning and I want you to sleep. Your neighbors are noisy but they're getting quieter as their drunken tide starts to grab and grab at their LOUDNESS. I can imagine a cop not giving a shit when I call - neighbor.noisy.need sleep.


I think you're good. Sleeping soundly. I'm here. It's nice to type on something that works. I've missed writing. I promise to give you everything that you want and please don't hate me if sometimes I excuse myself and try to give myself a little bit of everything that I want...besides what I have with you.

22

and i like you and i think that there's something in my drink and I'm okay with that
i want you to be okay and for you to like me
and damn, it takes so much work to be a better person
i never was before
i never was a bad tyke
LIES
but
i never knew what it felt like to grow up
and i
want to grow up even more now
and i
want to like me and for you to be okay
and i like you
and i think that there's something in this life
and I'm okay with that

and damn, it takes so much time
and I'm okay with that

24

I just erased what I wrote

it wasn't bad

it just wasn't good enough

for you

maybe

just roll

with what little I can give

to you

right now

it may

get better

for us both

and if not

then we'll BOTH

get rid of this

25

I've been fiddling around with this stupid computer since i got home
to a house filled with autistic children, pooping cats and ticking clocks
not really
I'm just staring
right here
it's white before me
stupid technology
failed mechanics
another failed
writing night

26

Can you hear it?
Shhh...LISTEN - just shut up for a second.
Can you NOW?

Yeah...It's nice isn't it?

27

and i thank you
for everything
and thank you for all of the love
and the friendship
and the care
and your constant hugs
all of you
are amazingly patient
i keep on running and
you're always right beside me
when i bother to look

and i thank you

29

We're learning as we go
Learning as you go
You're learning as I go...

30

I saw a play by myself on Saturday

I read two reviews about it for weeks

so i bought the ticket in bed the night before

credit card in hand

I've realized that i need to continue doing things

that i like

that don't involve anybody else

even though

DUDE

I totally want all of you in my life

but...you aren't

I saw the play

ninety minutes

with an actress by my shoulder in a theater of twenty people

so close

I smoked a couple of cigarettes afterwards

not looking for a party

or to cement my theatric experience

I said hi to a couple of people that I knew and

excused myself

because I was hungry

and because sometimes I don't know

what to do with myself


Ummmm...and that's it.


Quiet night. Stupid poem.

32

It took me 15 solid minutes
to fix the sliding glass door in my room
that I haven't been able to open for the last 6 months
and now
these last 20 minutes
since I've opened
my sliding glass door
feels like
a face-buffeting hurricane of FUCKING AMAZING.

Meaghan Smith - "It Snowed" Live in LA

While I sleepnowrightnow

and this stupid computer continues to mince my words
and this stupid continue to computers my wordn mices
I'll put this down
this blanket
I'll put this down
before bed

The best savings...

Everything is expensive
but getting me out of the house
to me?
is PRICELESS