I Love...

Plumbing problems and hot days.
Oh, wait - no, I don't.

Tom Vu...



Yeah. So, yes I was on a 80 Ft. Yacht on Saturday. It was NICE. Played Texas Hold Em' on a poker table while cruising Long Beach. Ate too much lobster. Drank insane amounts of alcohol. Danced for one whole minute with a room full of Czechoslovakian girls that looked like short Mexicans to me - but, whatever. Got boarded by the Coast Guard. Very Miami Vice. No, wait - it was nothing like Miami Vice. That was stupid. Won half the pot in the game. Cut my hand by accident and had blood on my nose the whole ride back home and no one either noticed or bothered to tell me through their drunken hazes. Maybe both.

And that's about it.
It was cool as the swear word that starts with F.
There were no ninjas, though.
Now, that would've been even better.
Or monkeys.
No, wait - or midgets.
Or...

Okay. I'll stop.

Later...

After some sleep, I will tell you about my Saturday night.
It involved an 80 ft. yacht, poker, booze, and The Coast Guard.

No foolin'.

Bud Light...

Went to the BIG pet store today. Tried to find a thing that our turtle can climb on. Bought a huge stick. Also bought a couple of goldfish for it to eat. The turtle - not the stick. The entire time that I was driving home - I felt guilt-ridden, because I'm a big pussy. I didn't feel like it when the nice kid was scooping them up - I felt like it was the natural order of things - but when The two fish were sloshing around in my passanger seat, I started to feel bad. I put them in the tank and apologized to them in my mind. The fish are still there. I've gone back to the pet store and bought fish food. Apparently, my turtle isn't a normal turtle. He's retarded and slow-moving. Now, I have two more pets. Such is my life.

Irwin...

I went to the LA Zoo today and was a tad bit let down. All of the animals looked so depressed, they seemed to frown at their surroundings, and all of the cages looked rust-filled. Especially the monkeys. One always expects monkeys to be jovial and frivolous, but at the zoo, they seemed bored and disappointed to be there. I watched one of the trainers feed one of the two rhinoceroses, and the trainer appeared to be stoned, and when the rhino came out of the back to eat the food that the loaded trainer provided, it seemed totally lethargic, and when it found the food, after looking for fifteen minutes, it mowed down upon it as if it were stoned too. It made me picture the trainer taking a huge bong hit and blowing it in the rhino's face. Needless to say, I was let down by my zoo experience.

I did like the snake room, though...

Mas...

More and more - as time goes on...
I'm finding it difficult to write.
Lame stuff, important stuff...
Too many distractions.

Please be quiet, so that I can write The Great American Novel that no one will read.

Thank you.

Life Lesson Number 4335...



Was just in the backyard reading Orbiter by Warren Ellis. It started to rain. I noticed a bird peeking his head out and making a ruckus in the big, ol' palm tree covered in ivy that we have by the patio. I thought that it was nice. Maybe he was appreciating the sporadic drops just like I was, y' know? Then I saw another bird fly by really fast. The bird in the palm tree ducked his head back in, but something fell to the ground in the bushes. My cat stopped performing crazy-eight circles around my ankles and darted to the spot in the bushes. It was a baby bird. My cat had it in it's mouth and then ran away. I yelled at him and he took of, probably to finish his meal. I looked back up at the spot where I saw the momma bird. She wasn't there. I wish I had a ladder, so that I could see if she was crying up there in her little birdy home. I don't have a ladder - so, I went back in my human-y home and typed this.

The end.

Wanna lick? Psych!...

I got offered a new job in my dream last night - then I woke up, and was severely disappointed.
Man, what a buzzkill. That's even worse than waking up from a sex or comic book one...

Homage To Catalonia...



I never usually end up talking about personal things, I don’t know why – some stuff peeks through every once in a while – it’s not like I avoid it – just whatever makes it on the screen makes it on the screen. Back in the good ol’ days, when the majority of the stuff that I’d write was on paper – I’d pour out my heart – but back then my heart was overflowing…or empty – you take your pick. Now, I’m just lucky to spend time throwing words into the cesspool that is The Internet. I was going to say The Ocean. I don’t know why I said cesspool.

Ummm…yeah, lost my train of thought…Oh yeah. What’s up with me lately? Do you care? No. Will I continue? Yes.

I’ve been working a lot – but reluctantly because I hate everything that I do and would love a new job, so it’s up to me, punks. It’d be nice to have a good job again. You know, a semi-normal job in an office doing fun things like I used to do. If anybody knows of a good, doesn’t have to be exciting job that pays a decent salary in THE O.C. – you all just let me know at Kevynn75@hotmail.com, okay? I’ll give you candy. I try to take days off, sometimes I do. Sometimes I don’t. Sometimes things get payed. Sometimes they don’t. Sometimes I spell PAID wrong. Sometimes I care, Scooby.

Got all of my money back from the bank. They messed up a deposit of mine and ended up owing me about $500. I love banks. No. I. Don’t. I want to punch a bank in the face.

I’ve been playing way too much poker with friends. I win sometimes – which helps. Sometimes I lose – which doesn’t. But all of my friends are nice. Sometimes they’ll invite friends from work. Sometimes, they’re not going to be coming back because they’re weird. Like the guy that I branded “The Poker Nazi”. Did not like “The Poker Nazi”. “The Poker Nazi” will not be coming back because Captain America Kevynn said so.

To add to all of this – I’ve been going on a comic book frenzy. I don’t know how this happened, folks. I somehow got back into this whole nerd game again. I love it, though. But I’m running out of space in my house and in my head. Dollar back issue bin sales in the last two weeks aren’t helping either. I just remembered that I gave one of the guys at the comic books store the URL to this site, which makes me an ultra-super-duper-nerd. Yeah. I didn’t give it to the cool girl that works there. I gave it to a male. He’s probably reading this right now. No offense, guy – towards you as a person. It’s just your gender that makes my actions pitiful, sharing this with a girl still makes me a nerd – buy just not as much of one, y’ dig? Guys are poo. But you’re in my cool book. Discount on next weeks issues, please. Thank you.

I never told you that I was going to go skydiving, did I? Or, maybe I did? Ahhh..who cares. This was a Xmas prez from Joe. This’ll be in April, I think. I’m going to fall out of the sky.

Gonna visit the sis in Austin. Soon. Easter? Something like that. She just wrote me an email that she’s dating a new guy. A mechanic, she said. I’m too old for this stuff.

Going to Vegas soon. Or at least that’s what we’re saying. April? Combining it with the skydiving? Need donations.

Amsterdam in September. Girlfriend’s graduating from college. How will I afford to get there? I’ll make do. Getting back will be the problem. Ha.

I need to get all of the tattoo work done on my back before the guy goes on tour for a month. Need to remind myself to get all of my permanent scarring done as soon as possible.

Need to smoke.

Done.

I actually looked at baby clothes the other day. This is how old I’m getting. No, I’m not pregnant – but my friends are dropping off puppy litters at an alarming rate, so now this is part of my constant perusals when I’m in clothing departments. The older we get, the wider we wander. Tools matter now. Flowerpots. Dishes. Glue. Scotch tape. Lampshades. All of these things make me weep.

Never got my car window fixed. Now I can swim and drive at the same time. I won’t need to shower before work tomorrow. I’m just going to bring shampoo in the car.

They opened up a new Pet Smart close to me. So, now, maybe I won’t have to go so far to get all of the supplies and feed that I need for my girlfriend’s ever-growing stable of refugee wildlife. Is me, expressing pleasure at having a Pet Smart nearby equivalent to a hick being happy that a new Wal-Mart just opened in his vicinity? You know, so that he doesn’t have to drive forty miles into town just to buy some damn ammo?

I really need to get that cartoon script done. Mr. Big Connections at my work has been asking me about it. Mr. Needs To Find Some Time needs to get that shit in his hands. Big studios = happy happenings for me.

I’ve sworn off of sporadic freelance writing for the rest of my life. I’ve chopped the head off of that hideous beast. May it rest in Hell.

Cartoon Pig and me started a play. I’m waiting for him to type up what we have so far. But, he’s kind of busy being a student teacher and dodging spit wads, so I’ll wait…

I also talked to Joe about helping me with one of my scripts. Years ago, he used to help me write it via email, back in the day when we both had fancy jobs and ample amounts of time…Now, he’s divorced and I’m in a relationship. Go figure.

Never got back word from Marvel comics about my writing submissions. They said that it would take a crap load of time. So…now…I think…it’s been a crap load. It was worth a shot. I would’ve killed off everybody in the Marvel Universe anyway, so maybe it was a good thing.

I’ve been taking more pictures now and know how to transfer them all to my computer – but I don’t know how to make them all small and neat. I think I need Photoshop. I had a copy once, but think that I lent it out to a friend. I need it back, friend or else I can’t post pics of me, then I can’t turn people into stone – and what fun is that. Some nice guy wrote me – telling me how to do it – but I’m really stupid and the shit passed right through me like last night’s Taco Bell.

And I think that’s it.

See? Aren’t you sorry you asked? Oh – wait…you didn’t ask for this much info. Oh, well. Live with it. I do. Tell me a story. Search through your parent’s attics and give me comic books. Dress up like Atticus Finch. I’ll be Boo Radley, but I get to be Atticus next time, okay?

Now I can go.

But most importantly – now you can go too.

Bye.

That Last Post...

Was really bad. I have been having a lot of those dreams, though.
All my writing lately hasn't even been half-assed...it's been, like...one-sixteenth of an ass.

This post will be better.

Oh, wait...no it won't.

Mi Ojos...

Man, have my dreams been crazy lately or what?
Seriously. They've all been nuts. All of them involve women.
Ummm...maybe I shouldn't say anymore.

Cat...



Jumped on my shoulder while I was pooing.
I tried to lean a little...
and it was an expensive sweater, y' know?
So, I tilted to the right - but he wasnt down with that.
His grip only tightened.
So, then I tried to, kind of, lean towards the left. Towards the shower.
I pulled back the curtain and...
He clawed the hell out of my neck.
I screamed.
On the toilet.
It would've beenn a lot funnier if you would've been there.
But...why would you be in the bathroom with me anyway?
Get out.
Don't stay.
How do I get in these situations, btw?
If my life was a movie - you'd pass it off as poorly written...

Oh...wait.

Be Like Einstein…



Think of Cosmological Constants, but forget to get a haircut.

What’s Einstein like, Yolanda? He’s cool…he’s cool…

It’s been raining sporadically in the past week. I’m apologizing to it right now. I’ve been ignoring it. I feel horrible. This may be the only time in my life in which I’ve totally been unaware of my surroundings. I’ve been so wrapped up in bullshit, that I haven’t taken the time to do the things that I used to enjoy and that used to make me an appreciative person. I haven’t once walked around in the rain. I haven’t splashed purposely in a puddle. I haven’t had the windows open. I haven’t once looked up at the sky while it rained. This is all my fault and no one else’s. I’ve forgotten a little of whom I used to be. For this, I beg your humble forgiveness.

But I’m already making atonements for my sins.

I’m typing this on a laptop in the backyard in the rain.

In my underwear.

Thank you. Have a nice day.

Now My Socks Are Wet...

Hey now. We just cleaned the carpets, so I have to take off my shoes. Well, actually...we didn't just clean the carpets - she did. I was at the neighbors playing JENGA. I ended up losing the big match. I now have the title, " Ultimate Loser. " I can live with that. Sticks and stones may break my bones, but JENGA will never hurt me. I wish I was made of wood. Some would say that since that I'm a male - that in a way - I am. I can live with that also. Anything that anybody says about me tonight must be true. That's how I feel right now. Yup. I agree.

Five Dollar Boom Boom...



I seriously used to hump bedposts and basketball poles when I was young...

Am I ashamed?

Maybe.

Sex And The Wussy...

What's worse? Dashing home to record the Sex And The City cast farewell on Oprah after work for my girlfriend, or me being just as excited to watch it as her? I think I know the answer to this one...

Harvey Pekar Depot...

So far, I picked up the sucky-ass tulips that I ordered, and did a double take. The arrangement seemed way too small. I told the gals at the flower shop that this one wasn't mine. They showed me the receipt. I paid thirty dollars for poo. I said thank you. Started laughing in the car. Gave the girlfriend her present. It was nice. Now I'm gonna go eat. Then I'm gonna start drinking. Then I will chop off her head and hide the body. Stupid Valentines Day.

Mrs. Vlad Tepes = Happy...

Seriously, I think that this may be the earliest I've gone to sleep in a loooooooonnng time...

Rejoice!

Right About Now...

Tha funk soul brutha'. I know you were thinking that when I said it. Anyway, I can't hear a damn thing right now. My ears have been all plugged up since I've been a little sicky lately and now I gave it to my girlfriend, but she's got it ten times worse than I had it. Round of applause for me, please. Thank you. I'll be here all week. Remember to tip your waitresses...

So...whatever you've been saying about me - I can't hear you, go nuts - you fargin' bastiches.

Just Got Back From Taking...

No, not a poo - but the new cat to the vet to get his balls snipped off. I've never had a guy cat before. I never knew what a pissy, little horny cat can make a house smell like. It's been miserable. So, off he went. And now, maybe he's in a cage? pumped up full of drugs to make him sleep easier. He's a pound lighter and dreaming...of taking a big crap in one of my shoes when he gets back...

I'm sorry, Spider-The-New-Cat.

Oh, wait...no, I'm not.

Ooooooo...I Just Called The Cops...

On some guy across the street, yelling into the night. Hey, he might be cool and all - he may be speaking out the poetry in his mind - but, say your words somewhere else, buddy. I'm crazier than you, and there's only enough room for one of us right now, okay Mr. Weirdo-In-The-Park?

We Have Millions Of Probe Droids Searching The Galaxy ... I Want Proof, Not Leads....

Man. Seriously. I can't concentrate. Too late. Too little time. Getting over a small cold and took the night off because of it. What have I done with my time? It's out there somewhere in space, speeding through galactic, philotic ansibles and landing on Greedo's vid screen.

New links to the left.
I'll get to more later.
Falling asleep...

Electric Youth...



Got out of the bar at three in the morning last night. Tons of people all after eleven. I was also coming down with a cold or something too, but all I needed was some sleep. I got some. Do I feel better? No. Am I going to play poker and drink some beer and laugh and eat bad food and spend money and use AND again? Yes.

This Weekend...

Has sucked so far.
How?
It just has.
I mean, I still don't have super powers...so...
It sucked.

The Best Thing That I Did Today
Was The Worst Thing That I Could've Done...
Because Then - Everything Was Better After That...




I have a new wallet now. Strikes me funny that, in twenty-eight years, I think that this is only the second time that I've bought one myself. There were probably a couple before that, but they were probably fastened together with Velcro, so they don't count. I might've traded a friend one of my G.I. Joes for one of the wallets that I had before. And the one before this, was a Harley Davidson one that I bought in a biker shop in downtown Cincinnati when I was eighteen. It had a long chain on it. I thought it was cool. And it helped prevent people from stealing it while I tried to sleep on the Greyhound bus too.

Dude, yes - I am getting older...nothing makes an old dog sniff the aging air more than perusing wallets in Target because your old one's on its last thread. I cheaped out and bought it at Target. Do you have Target where you live? It's like the west coast equivalent of your Wal-Mart. Except without the guns. And the old people greeting you. We do have Wal-Mart here though. Don't get me wrong. We have a lot here that you do too. Except White Castles...maybe that's a good thing. But...

Buying a new wallet made me feel ancient. Car lots, buying booze, lap dances, work clothes, ordering for your date, having kids call you SIR...none of this makes you feel as dusty as buying a wallet by yourself. I don't know why, but it does. I also bought some plain, white t-shirts, socks, light bulbs, Cokes, and picture frames. That's old too. But I did spend a lot of time agonizing over whether to buy more Star Wars figures - so that doesn't make me a gray ol' man yet, does it?

If I could've stopped any part of the day today, it would've been the part where I woke up, and if I could've sped up a part of the day it would've been the part that I'm at now. Stretch it to the limit. See what happens in the end before you fall asleep and have to return it the next day to avoid late fees.

I think that I just figured out the law of nature, kids. We have to hunt down all of the cats, let the dogs fight it out amongst themselves and let the monkeys be monkeys. Everything else can be bugs and insects. That sounds good to me.

I'm scared of the snail's pace in the world's race. I remember how cute and sad my little sister was, all at once, when she was young. She used to construct little dollhouses for the numerous snails that used to inhabit our front and backyard bushes. My father eventually found out and made her move her sticky cardboard and miniature plastic furniture mansion outside in the front by the doorbell. One day, as I was getting ready for school, she ran up to me crying. I followed her outside and looked towards the direction that she was pointing at with her tiny little fingers. Cardboard snail shelter intact, but myriad shiny snail trails leading from her house, over the walls, and back into the bushes.

Sad for little girls. A relief for fathers. Freedom for fast-moving snails in the night. It must've been some operation for them under the cover of hushed darkness. I bet they ran real fast. She was only slowing them down.

Little sister's all grown up now, trying to build her own house. While I feel like one of her snails. Except the walls are bigger for me and I can't figure out which way to go. Would you look for me if I left a phosphorescent trail for you? Would you try to retrieve me like she did? Would you try to replace me with another or just forget about me and move on to something bigger?

I like my new wallet. It's nicer. Sleeker. Slimmer. Kind of like how I am now in my older age. I liked only filling in the new wallet with the bare essentials and chucking out the pack rat paranoiac feeling that I-cant–throw-this-away-because-I-think-that-I-might-need-it-in-an-emergency. I like feeling that if an emergency came up and if I needed a number or a scrap of paper that I'd survive and that I should just chill and that none of this stuff comes up anyway, and that if I really needed it - then I could get it - and if I couldn't? Then fuck it. My mind keeps on telling me to get jumper cables for my car, but I still haven't gotten those yet, though - have I? So why worry about having a certain business card? Yes. Why?

Oh...everything's fine. This is part of the reason why I turn nonsense letters into nonsense sentences. This is how I've always been. All questions with, maybe, a different answer every second. Every second breeds more questions - all you're trying to do is catch up. You forget most of it by the time that you wake up the next day - and then...shake...stir...repeat process.

Looking at the long list of ingredients to the package of Pringles that I brought home for my girlfriend makes me depressed. Looking at the cigar to my right doesn't. Uh-huh. Yeah. Hypocrite. I spent all of my day working at a job that I hate doing, now that I should be sleeping at three in the morning - I finally feel alive. Love the girlfriend and can't wait to spend time with her - but now that she's asleep in the next room - I feel alive. Feeling like, I think, the person that she fell in love with. The person at work all day doesn't exist. He's just a gossamer image of me now. Tonight's ME can totally kick today's ME's ass.

I'm getting better and better each day…I hope. I need a little fast and a little slow snail pace. I need what I need based on my schedule. I need you to listen to me. I need to listen to myself. I need to be young and old all in the same moment. I need sleep and I need to wake up. I want you to kiss me and I want you to leave me alone. I need more time and I've used all of mine up. I need to keep drinking and I need to sober up. I need to start running harder. I only want to float. I can' t watch. My eyes won't close. I should stop writing...

But I can't shut up...