Highlight Of The Day...

Riding one of those electric shopping carts for old people at Target.
Actually, it wasn't that fun. It made a really loud beeping every time I tried to back up,
and my girlfriend loaded it up with so much shit, that I was afraid that I was going to tip over.

And it made me feel really short.

The Xerox Machine Is Out Of Paper...

Well, considering that I can't finish anything that I've been writing, I'll just post the ultimate unfinished crapola that I have so far and leave you alone...

Oh, and I have a new post here.

Bunny Rabbit...

Discussed this weekend plans for my birthday. Camping at Joshua Tree it is. Doesn't sound that bad. I love camping. Well, whenever I do it, that is. It'll be fun. Mellow. Some rock climbing, coyote-dodging, beer-drinkin. Last time I went, I cheated. I went the X amount of miles back into town to get more gas so that I could explore inside the park more, replinish the dwindling beer and ice supply, and get an ice cream. I cheated. Who cares?


Monday...

Aww, crap - It's Monday - but you knew that already, huh? You're sitting at your computer at work or at home, making the computer rounds. This is all that you're going to get right now. I should be trying to sleep. I had a couple other things that I was going to write about, but I ditched them. They just didn't feel right. You need to let me know hoe your day is going. You need to let me know what's wrong with your day so far and what's right. Tell me about your weekend and tell me how much you love me. Tell me that the plane ticket is in the mail or that you're coming to pick me up. Tell me that the warm weather today is just a fluke and that it'll go back to being chilly just the way I fooking like it. I'm not the typical Southern Californian boy. I hate warm weather. It makes me miserable. I don't really go to the beach anymore. I used to go everyday. How the hell did I make that happen? I used to skate everyday. Ummm...now, I skate to my car pin the driveway. Well, when my ankle isn't broken, I mean. I haven't been writing on my screenplays. I'm a shit. A shitty shit shit. Stop nodding your head, yo.

So, it's Monday. Eat lunch yet? Thinking about what you have to or want to do when you get home? Pick up the kid? The dry cleaning? Or pick up the kid at the dry cleaners? Or dry clean the kid? I used to work at a dry cleaners, so I shouldn't complain. Damn, Nigga - could I tell you stories about that. Man, what's happening to me right now? I'm not even feeling uncreative; I'm just a tad bit too apathetic at the moment. I'm not feeling it. That's okay, though...I've got all tomorrow to hit you over the head with my vile verbosity. What? I don’t know. You know I'm bored if I just wished that a pizza man would come to the door. If I'm thinking of food, then that means something's wrong. Barbecue, yes. But all other food? I must be coming down with something. Maybe a SARS-induced delirium. Man, first thing my ankle gets good enough to walk on - I need to get the hell out of here. Somewhere quick. Even for a day. Disneyland doesn't count. This is a horrible post. I hate it, but won't erase it. I've already done that tonight.


How Now Brown Cow...

It runs like the most tiring nazi nigger hell Jesse Owens race.

All sweating pride

Dripping unnoticed

While the dictators mustache is dry

King Arthur lay rotting in a prison cell
Charles Manson authored rot in his

Beats
Streets
And
Songs incomplete

We can only make
Monsters of ourselves.

Honda...

I swear that this town is being overrun by fucking retards in rice-burners. You know what those are - the noisy ass, lowered, usually ugly, fucking sporty import cars. You know the ones with all of the tacky-ass accessories and lighting? These shit-balls seem to be traveling in packs now. The bass from their stereos rattle my house and the sound of their spoilers bite my ass. I just might have to possibly tell somebody to shut the fuck up and to slow the hell down with a baseball bat soon.

And to think that I was going to write about Spiderman before the last car came buzzing up my street.

War Blogs...

What's up with our recent fixation on barbecues. huh? Now all of the paper towels are gone. Got all worked up Friday talkin' about steak and strippers at three in the morning, and then opted for barbecuing the next day. No strippers. Gay, dude. And stupid ass bills and rent are all due soon and I'm broke because of this fucking ankle. Fuck.

Okay, everybody line up, so that I can punch you all in the nuts.

Sperm...

If I were a father, I would not be watching Howard Stern on E. The entertainment network, not the drug, thank you. My ankle probably wouldn't be broken. I wouldn't be typing about this. I would have a better job. There would be milk in the house. You know, scratch that - I've read that there really aren't benefits to drinking milk, that it's all corporate propaganda. If I were a father, I would expect, at least, half of the action figures that I have in my room to be broken.

If I were a father, I would post pictures of my kid...with a machete. No, I wouldn't - but I would have my kid guest-write every once in a while. Actually, I'd give him his own blog. I would let em' wear his or her hair however they wanted. I would expose em' to all kinds of music. Most of it. I would teach them about Henry and Ribsy, Beezus and Romona, Sheila The Great, Super Fudge, Narnia, Harry Potter, Lemony Snicket, Dick and Jane, Dr. Seuss, Charles Bukowski, and National Geographic. My kid would teach me why the sucky-ass cartoons on Nickelodeon are appealing to him or her.

If I were a father, I wouldn't change my style of dress. They better like black. I would teach them that the white man is the enemy. I would make them listen to Radiohead. I would have them do the grocery shopping. I would teach them how to fall asleep in class without getting caught. I would teach them how to be a good person, but a rabid dog if somebody fucked with you. I would teach them how to drive in case Daddy happened to fall asleep at the wheel. I would teach them how to sign my name. I would play the guitar for them. I would play video games with em'. I would teach em' how to get along with women. It wouldn't matter if my kid were a boy or a girl; this is a necessary survival technique for any gender.

If I were a father, the space next to me would always be theirs, if only they could move their mom out of the way. I would expose them to oldies. You need oldies. It's the only listenable music on the radio. I would teach them to be polite to old folk, but to be a rabid dog if somebody fucked with them. I would teach them not too kill bugs if they could help it. I would encourage them to not eat paste in school. I would tell them to pick off the smallest kid in dodge ball at school. I would always tell them to give mom a hug, but to save the best ones for me. I would teach them how to throw a proper "Nut-Punch". I would not let them browse the Internet. I would cook for them, and if they didn't like what I made, I'd be more than welcome to throw a cookbook at them. I would tell them to avoid drinking keg beer out of plastic cups at parties. I would tell them to play in a band, but not for too long if you're not making money off of it.

If I were a father, they would always take out the trash. I would encourage a wandering mind. I would give em' noogies, but from the first day that they tell me to knock-it-the-fuck-off...I would. We would both know the lyrics to Travis' "The Man Who" album. I would send them to mom whenever they got hurt. I would teach them how to make paper airplanes. I would teach them how to make spit wads. I would tell them to use a dictionary more than I do. I would tell them that they had to know how to read by the time that they were in preschool, and if they didn't - I'd throw them into the toilet where the poo poo man lives. I'd teach them that it was okay not to see a movie on its first weekend release. I would tell them to start off as an intern at a movie studio to get their foot in the door- any studio, just as long as it wasn't anything porn. I'd tell them that they had to go see The Beastie Boys once, at least. I'd tell them to join Drama Class, but only for a little bit, so that the weirdos don't get too you. I would have their voice on the answering machine. I'd tell them that when a phone solicitor asked for the man of the house, to always answer, "This is he".

I would tell them to keep on typing this while Daddy goes and checks the sprinklers (smokes secretly). Naw, I don't want to be smokin'. A smokin' hot dad, hell yeah. I'd tell them all about Spiderman's troubled relationship with Mary Jane Watson Parker. I'd tell them to speak to all animals and plants like they were real people. I'd give them storybook records as Christmas stocking stuffers. I wouldn't encourage them to try out for sports in high school. I would discourage them from joining "band". I would encourage them to use "maam" and "sir" along with "fucker" and "dumbass". I would tell them that if a dot com resurgence comes along, to take the money, save, and run. Fast. I would paint pictures with them and hang them on the living room wall. I would teach them all the magic tricks that I know. I would teach them how to play poker. I would teach them how to spit far. I would teach them how to fix things. I would teach them how to strangle their mother and not leave bruises. I would teach them how to fish. I would tell them how to steer conversations into their favor.

I would teach them that there are a lot of sucky-ass things in the world, but that I think that there are more beautiful things out there than the sucky. I would teach them that no matter what happens, and how much the life-hand can slap you in the face - that nothing bad would really ever happen to them, and that if good things aren't happening at the moment...they'll eventually get there.

And I'd teach them to tell their father to get the hell to sleep at later hours like these, cuz' there's playing to be done tomorrow. Adventures, mischief, and madness, yo.

Or at least Cup O' Noodles, Beer, and bad TV...

Short Order Cook...

Man, do you remember that one freak that answered the "roommate wanted" ad that you posted up at the local college? You were desperate and you needed somebody in there fast. He was short. Big ass nose. Kinda like Tim Roth, but ugly as hell. He was a cook at a local burger place, hey, now wasn't the time to be judgemental - remember, you needed his money.

The first warning sign was that when he moved in, it took him about fifteen mintues. And that was with a cigarette break. Second warning sign? You used to hear him talking to Captain Kirk as he was watching Star Trek. "Yeah, go Kirk!".

He only lasted about a month and a half. He just got weirder and weirder, til you couldn't take it anymore. Then, you thought he stole some money from you, you almost choked him to death, and then he threatened to send the Mexican Mafia on you. He was Irish.

Yeah, I remember him. What a dumbass...

What The Hell...

audblog audio post

Dear God(s)...

I'm sorry for whatever I did to deserve this horrible feeling in my belly. I'm a recipient of poo karma today. Anyway, if I had a hundred dollars right now to spend on foolish things, it couldn't go towards anything useful - cuz that's no fun, I'd spend the hundred bucks on as many comic books, beer, cigarettes, and Hello Kitty stickers as I could. That would be fun. Now I'm depressed. Somebody come over, drink with me, and play video games. I'll give you a back rub. I'll go forever too. I won't try to cop out of it after the first five minutes either. Or let's write a story tonight. You can write all the sexy parts.

Assignment For The Day...

To call someone "Bubba".



Thank you...

My Xanadu...

No particular reason, but if I lived in Australia, I'd save all of my money and buy the whole damn island. Got that right, Bub. Australia seems nice. They have wonderful exports. Nicole Kidman. Naomi Watts. That one book...what was it called? Cold Beer and Crocodiles, or something like that. Koalas are cute. And they hate Rabbits. They eat chocolate Bilbys instead for Easter. Don't ask me to explain what a Bilby is, I don't have the time, it's late.

But this is what I want...all of Australia. Nothing else. I'll keep on producing the occasional hot actress, I won't ruin the environment, I'll keep out of world politics, I'll just use the government funds for building a force field and for making toys. Yeah, It'll be the real island of misfit toys. I'll grow a beard, because somehow, I don't think It'd be right for me to be a nutcase who owns an island without having the obligatory, long, white beard.

Oh, and drunk Koalas. And cybernetic Kangaroos controlled by Chimpanzees that sit in their pouches.

Fosters. Australian for beer, mate.

Thank you.