Uggg...

Friggin' naps.
Always making me feel all Pilsbury.
Since when did I start taking naps, anyway?
It's all your fault, you shit balls...

Did You Know That Elvis Presley Had A Twin Brother?...

No, not it wasn't me. I'm not that old. Geez. I'm...how old am I? I'm 27, I think. I often forget how old I am. No, but serious, Elvis' twin brother's name was Jesse Garon Presley. He was born stillborn and they buried him in a shoebox. How crazy is that? Pretty fortunate that he died, because wouldn't you hate to be Elvis's brother? But, then maybe The Big "E" wouldn't have been a huge rock and roll, hunka, hunka, burning honky if he had to deal with an identical twin. I think that all identical twins are screwed up in some way. Who the hell would want a carbon copy of themselves stealing your shit, hogging up your space, and competing for oxygen? Not me, it was hard enough growing up with an older bro and a younger sis. I bet that somehow, it was all Colonel Parker's fault. Like, he had a pact with the devil and that he'd been shadowing Elvis' mom for years, waiting for her to pop out her twin set of little hicks. He knew of The Prophecy Of The Coming Of The Big "E", and was just waiting to whisk him away, and train him, so that he could have him perform evil deeds in order to dominate the world. Or something to that effect.

Fuck Colonel Tom Parker. He was a rat bastard.
And poor, little Jesse.

No fried banana sandwiches for him...

Oh, Now I Can Post...

Now that everybody's on their way home.
Word of advice: Only listen to classical music or opera when stuck in a traffic jam.
Everything else will just drive you bonkers.

I have a question...why do older men breathe through their nose?
It seems at least one time everyday, I encounter a man in a store who breathes loudly through his nose.
Like he's trying to suck nutrients from the air with it.

I'm just curious. It's kind of gross.
From now on, I'm gonna start carrying jelly beans in my pockets,
and I'll toss em' towards the heavy breathers face, then they'll get sucked up,
the man, will choke - and I'll be happy.

Thank You...

*?@#$!!!...

Do they even show cartoons on regular TV anymore? They don't play in the morning, it's all news shows. I can never find any on after work. Do kids actually go out and play after school now? It seems like they have to. They replaced after school cartoons with epsodes of COPS! I just watched a guy run out of a building after lighting himself on fire. Now there are a bunch of toothless, mid-western drunks getting arrested. No Robotech. No Batman. Not even fucking Pokemon.

The more and more mainstream media companies merge, the less diversity we're going to see.

So, I'll just turn it off. Take that, channel 11.

Well, after this is over...

Hello?...

So, my girlfriend left on Monday for Europe. Right now she's in Jolly Ol' London drinking tea. Yeah, right. She's drunk, I know it. She's a bad drunk too. Not like me, I mean she doesn't throw herself out of cars and let other people punch them in the face, but she's a lightweight. She gets all smiley and sleepy, and she talks a lot. I'd rather throw myself out of a car again. I miss her. It's too quiet. I'm not used to this anymore. Crazy, eh?

Time to call up some strippers...

Good From Afar, But Far From Good...

Okay, back to normal stuff...

So, one of my friends is dating / humping this young girl. Met her last night. She was annoying, but pretty. That's what I thought, but...I just saw them at the bank today...and the girl's face? Oh my god. I'm sorry, but not to be mean or anything, but yikes! Not good. Let's just say that my initial impression of her was a lot kinder than the stone cold reality of today. I've noticed that happens to me often. People end up looking completely different to me than when I first met them. I don't know if this is a good thing or a bad thing...

Seriously...

I mean no disrespect. I suffer from a bad case of dumby, poopy-ness when it comes to my ill attempts at humor. I give one big, fucking salute to all of those that gave their lives in the name of freedom and liberation. Stupid politics, leaders, and war aside. Much respect to those that have given their life for worthy causes. Bless you, tough bastards. Bless you, boys.

Thank you.

Really.

Squish...

Happy Memorial Day.
Today we give remembrance to all of the snails we've smushed,
either accidentally or purposely. So, today...pick one up, give him a kiss...and stick it somebody's purse or pocket.

Bimbo Baggins...

God damn, did I get slammed at the bar tonight.
I did get a rousing round of applause from all of the drunks,
at the end, before I kicked their drunk asses out.
A short lady that looked like a hobbit and clutching an Amstel Lite hit on me.

But her feet were too furry, so I politely declined her offer...

It's That Time Again...

Time for me to make more deviled eggs for a BBQ.
Time for my house to smell even fartier than it always is...

Fartier?