Bimbo Baggins...

God damn, did I get slammed at the bar tonight.
I did get a rousing round of applause from all of the drunks,
at the end, before I kicked their drunk asses out.
A short lady that looked like a hobbit and clutching an Amstel Lite hit on me.

But her feet were too furry, so I politely declined her offer...

It's That Time Again...

Time for me to make more deviled eggs for a BBQ.
Time for my house to smell even fartier than it always is...

Fartier?

So You Know I Really Am Drunk If...

If I start to drink wine. And If I push Chris through his screen door.

I don't drink wine.

Attention World...

By the time you read this...
I will be drunk. Please don't hate me.
I hope that, maybe, someday...you'll understand.

I Love You, Always.

Well I could have been a famous singer...


Hey little kitties. I got some bad news. I know you think, "Oh Kevynn, so your poo didn't flush down the toilet at work today. They won't know it's you. Blame the fat guy." But that's not the kind of bad news I got for you. I never talked about it before beeeecause I always thought monkeys would fix it somehow, or at least be trained to help me out when my sight failed me. Yeeeeah. I've been legally blind in one eye since I was 19, but it was always ok because I still had the other one! Ha ha life! Thanks for giving me two of everything, SUCKER! But I guess life heard me make fun of it and didn't like that I threw sand in its face at the playground. Baby. What a bunch of garbage it is that my other eye is going now, too. I used to sand down braile signs, and now I'm going to want to kick the little brats asses who do it. Honest, little chickens. That could have been chitlins, or chaplin, or LYSOL because it's so fucking hard for me to see. Seeeeeew. I want to keep PAINTING and reading SPIDEY comix and writing but it will eventually all turn into lysol or hubcaps when I really want to be telling you about how I think William Shatner is a big fat dump. Lysol and William Shatner are different. Believe it. So I think maybe I gets one of them micafones/programs that type what you say into the microphone? GAY. I don't know, friends. Your hero is failing, and at lightning speed. I'd say tune in next time, same milky time, same milky channel, but this episode is TO BE CONTINUED. Until I get some monkey eyes or super monkeys. Or cokebottle glasses. Or...DUN DUN DUN. To be continued...













Suckers. And the BEST part is, it's not even Kevynn the master of mischief who tricked you! It is I, Melly Mel! Ohhh man. You guys were just so TOTALLY DUPED! Psych! No one is blind! GAWD! Anyway...

The Kevvy asked me if I wanted to guest post and, hello, of course. Totally. I didn't want to be a super sappy baby and be all "Kevynn is the best ever. He is owed 3 monkeys. UNO!" Even though all of that is almost true. You decide.

Honestly though, I'm going to have to give some major props, luv, and XOXOs to Mr. Kevynn Malone. He is a favorite of mine, and I don't even do favorites. He's so goddamn nice, I don't know how anyone could ever have anything against him, ever. He's a darling friend, well rounded, generous and kind. You can't go wrong, honestly. He's full of 100% authentic awesome, and he shares us with it (almost) every day. From Christmas cards gone awry to playing with kids in parks and being cold shouldered for trying to help the tubby lady with her car, it's never dull. I know he feels like it sometimes, but truly it's all part of the Malone greatness. Whatever that means. But ok, honest. Kev, you're terriff, keep writing with your one good eye..haha kidding.. you're seriously top notch, kid.


XOXO,
Melly

"so I'm drinking, breathing, writing, singing
everyday I'm on the clock
my mind races with all my longings
but can't keep up with what I got..."

Reed Richards...

What the hell is going on? I was running around today, everything felt off. Or, at least off-er than it's often off-ness. My god, I feel bloated. I barely ate. Why do I feel like this? Must be my period again. I'm glad that today's whole shindig is over and that I can relax and do nothing. Fucking A. I read my new Spider Man comic book. It took me a whopping two minutes. It's funny that I'll look forward to something that takes a shorter time to finish than...you fill in the blank. Fuck the T.V. Fuck my new Orson Scott Card book. Fuck the two movies that I just rented from the library. What the hell were they? Oh. The Thin Red Line. I remember hating that in the theaters and being bored with it, so why am I renting it? You tell me, sugar. What was the other one...am I going to have to walk over to it now? God(s) damnit. It's my own fault. I mentioned it...okay, hold on..whoa! I think that I just saw a tracer come off of my finger. That was crazy. I'm freaking out. I need to clear my head. I'm seeing crap. Get up, Kevynn...,.,.,.,lkl;kl;jgbhcjkhjvuufih

Damn, how could I forget? The Big Lebowski, you bastards. Or bastrads. Or bastiches. I want to take a bath. That would be nice. But it's uncomfortable. I remember when my toes would barely touch the edge of the tub. Now it looks like somebody threw a green bean in a Sucrets tin. Too much lankiness to fit.

Lick it. Goodbye. I hate Sucrets. No spell check. No Five dollar boom boom.

Hulk Smash!...

Don't get me angry. Don't erase my post about the fat lady with the flat tire, and how I tried to help her and be a gentleman, and all that I got was a hint of acknowledgement and another reason to hate cell phones. How Hulk was ready to help the puny human. How hulk was ready to help her change her tire or push it into a parking place instead of in the middle of the street. But the fat lady was too wrapped up in complaining to whoever she was yelling at on the phone. I hope it wasn't her husband. It was probably Domino's Pizzza. Hulk took the time, unlike other people - to see if he could help. Hulk will never change his behaivior, but Hulk's disdain for all of humanity increase by each day. Hulk has always helped people. Hulk wants to super kick fat lady in the crotch. Hulk lost his post.

Hulk is getting sleepy...

What It All Boils Down To Is...Who Cares?

Okay, so while I'm here and trying to remember how to write a bibliography...
Who's gonna win on the American Idol thing?

The fat, black man or the skinny, white kid?

Kettle...

First time I smoked pot, my older brother and his friends just stood around and laughed at me. We were all standing around in the middle of his friends street doing nothing anyway. I was whatever age that you are when you're in seventh grade. I liked to ditch school a lot. Or my brother and his friends would kidnap me and we'd stay at one of their parents houses. I used to drink a bunch of horrible liquor with them too. Maybe that's why I only like beer now. I sometimes start to giggle or talk nonsense. I'm fun for about twenty minutes and then I pass out. I can't drive stoned, just can't do it. My friends can operate heavy machinery, make dogs jump through hoops, talk to the president. I start to drool or call you a lesbian. I once dated a girl who made me drink Jack Daniels with her everytime I got beer. She was tough shit and hot as hell, so I drank whatever she wanted me too. I've ingested it all. I've gone through so many different alcohols, It's sick.

Stick a cucumber in me and I shit out a pickle.

The New Amazing Spiderman's Coming Out Tomorrow, Habeeb!...

Terrorists should just stay at home and read comic books instead.