A Glimpse Of Humanity...

You want to see some angry people?

Just watch traffic for a little bit...

Everybody needs to just calm the fuck down.

Reason Why I'm A Bad Boyfriend No. 364...

Girlfriend trying to rest in bed. I say that I'll put the TV on something good for her to fall asleep to.
I manage to tune into Animal Planet just in time so that she can watch a dog die.

S.O.S.

Beer...need beer.
No wonder all of the one-legged, broke cripples I know are clear-headed and sober.
They can't afford to get drunk anymore,
Or they can't make it to the store.

Little Bunny Foo Foo signing out...

And I'm Sorry, But...

Does this strike you as a little bit strange?
Take a really good look at their set up...
Can I log in to My Account for any new apocalyptic news?
The first new 20,000 subscibers get what?

There are certain things that exist on this Earth that make me wish there really was a hell....

Hell is other people.

Deserted Island, Pet, Movie, Book, Partner other than a significant other, Unlimited Food Item, And CD...

Why is everybody always trapped on an island? Why not in an abandoned silver mine? A retirement home. Anaheim? Or a Linkin Park concert?

Anyway, If I was ever trapped on a desert island and could bring a pet, it wouldn't be my dear, old cat, 60 - it would have to be a trained chimpanzee that liked to fish. If I could only watch one movie while I was there? You know, because all of those desert islands generate their own electricity and have TV's that only play one movie...it would be...Empire Strikes Back. Book? The Boy Scout Handbook Of America. Another person? Damn...Elizabeth Hurley without her kid. Unlimited food item? Food? tobacco doesn't count? Beer either? Steak, I guess. Cd?...something long of Beethovens.

All of these could change, though.

Hmmmm....

I Hate Lucy...

If I was Lucy, I would've thrown gay-ass Little Ricky out the window,
called the INS and had them deport my husband,
tossed a molotov cocktail inside Fred and Ethel's apartment,
and then run away with a short-haired lesbian named "Jo".

"Marsupials" Written By Tom Schmitt...

I kept hearing this scratching on the roof at night. It was central to the chimney, this weird clawing sound. I think that a family of possums are up there, scurrying back and forth, playing with their food, running in circles, whatever possums do when no one's watching, which is most of the time. I always thought that possums were rather slow creatures, but these bastards were nonstop, like they're drinking Red Bull. It's very annoying. And, of course, it's like they know I'm sleeping, so that's when they're the loudest. Actually, I hardly ever hear them during the day.
Yesterday, I got the grand idea to flush them out. My plan was to go up there with a broom and kind of knock them around a bit, show them who the boss was. This way, they would associate pain with being on my roof, thus, never coming back. (I didn't even think that if I pushed one down the chimney it'd be in my house, thank God it didn't come to that!) I went to the garage and got the broom and a ladder. I set the ladder up on the side of my house and climbed up, walking slowly over the shingles, thinking this way I wouldn't fall into my living room. My next-door neighbor, Mr. Seaver, was in his backyard raking leaves. I waved and said hello, told him "I was rounding up some possums," he laughed and said "good luck, be careful." I got to the chimney and looked around. I saw lots of bird shit, but no possums. Being at the peak of the roof, I stopped walking so lightly, and checked the other sides of the chimney. Again nothing. I then looked down the chimney, but all I could see was blackness. I grabbed the broom and stuck it down the chimmney, moving it back and forth, trying to dislodge something, when it slipped from my hand and fell down the chimney.
Apparently, in most chimneys, there is a bend in the construction, so that the flue is not totally straight. The broom fell about four feet and got stuck in the bend, I could see it's handle resting against the concrete. My first instinct was to say fuck it, and just go buy another broom. I never used my chimney, so I wasn't worried about the thing catching on fire and burning the house down. I started to walk away, but I couldn't do it. I just felt so stupid for dropping it down there. I came up to get those damn possums away, and then they took my broom? Fuck that. I was going to get it.
I turned around, brushed away some of the bird shit with the back of my hand, and pulled myself up a little bit so that I could get a better angle reaching the broom. I stretched my arm as far as it would go, but still couldn't reach it, so I scooted further on the chimney's lip. Again I couldn't reach it, again I scooted. It was at this moment, when I was half an inch away from the end of the broom, that my neighbor yelled, "Ya'll right up there, Sal?" and at that second, straining as much as I was for the goddamn broom, I got so distracted that I fell in the chimney.
I slid past the broom, and luckily I had my hands outstretched, and they helped break the fall when I hit the bend in the concrete. My dumbass neighbor (who probably yelled on purpose for a good laugh), saw the whole thing and also heard my girly yelp as I went down. He called the fire department and they came out and pulled me up by feet. The whole neighborhood ended up crawling out of the woodwork, pointing and gawking. The circus was in town and I was the main event. It took three firemen to pull me out, and they were kind, asking me if I was all right, but aside for my ego being bruised, I only had a few scratches. They watched me climb across the roof and down the ladder, making sure I didn't slip again and, this time, finish the job. Once I was on solid gorund, the firemen roared off in their truck and one by one, the neighbors disappeared. Embarrassed, I trudged inside, plopped down on the couch, and shook my head, wondering how I got this low.
Thankfully, after that day, I never heard the possums again. Perhaps, because I made such an ass of myself, they felt sorry for me and decided to cut me some slack. Whatever the reason, I was glad they were gone. Overall, although it has become a neighborhood myth, I'm not too scarred by the ordeal. I'm just pissed that I still left the fucking broom in there.

It's Alive!...

Way too much free time, so...the screenplays rise again. God help me.

*UPDATE*

I, so far, have accomplished absolutely nothing.
I watched something on TV about Picasso.
Ate a salad.
Showered on one leg.
Played a dumb game on the internet.
The stack of notebooks to my right is glowering at me.
The gods up on Mt. Productivity are laughing...

Freaky Sleep Stories...

I rarely do anything weird in my sleep. I never sleep, so it's not a problem. No, really - I don't do anything crazy in my sleep. No sleepwalking. I know a girl who likes to pee in closets in her sleep. That's why she never spends the night. I don't even snore. I do like to fall asleep to Empire Strikes Back, but that's not a sleep habit. Not really.

Okay, but check this out - I was almost asleep last night when my girlfriend started laughing. I looked at her and her eyes were closed. I whispered her name, but she just kept on laughing, it really scared the hell out of me. Friggin' spooky, man. Your girlfriend laughing demonically in the middle of the night?

That sucked. It took me a long time to get back to sleep after that because she still had a smile on her face.

Screaming Jay Hawkins...

So I barely posted at all yesterday because I had to go to the ankle/dude/guy/doctor/man. I arrived at nine in the morning so that I could wait there for an hour and a half. This type of crap happened to me at the dentist last week? If I make an appointment for a certain time, isn't that because that's a time...when they have time? Next week when the dentists office calls to confirm my new appointment, wait til I get a hold of them. Suffer. When the ankle/dude/guy/doctor/man finally saw me, he kicked me in the crotch. Now I have a cast on my penis. I'm not supposed to use it for six weeks. I killed him. No, he said I don't need a cast. That's great. I didn't have the money anyway. I have to go back for new x-rays in three weeks. Then, this splint thing can come off and I can go back to wearing high heels - oops! I meant, shoes again. I may be able to ditch the crutches and use a cane. Big daddy Kane? Michael Caine? Abel? Cain? Mmmmm, candy. I got a new splinty/casty thing, and can unwrap it whenever I want. I slept on my side last night. That was a little slice of heaven there, Bubba.

I am going nuts, though. I need to work. I need to do stuff.

One can only look up so much gothic porn.