Jesus Worked Out...

My friend Baxter says that Jesus had a swimmer's body. Then did he play water polo? I don't think that there's a chance in hell that Jesus swam. He obviously didn't like water. Have you seen him? Not lately, I meant in pictures. He looks kind of dirty. Some of that weird soap that I just bought would've done him good. Jesus needed a good razor and a gay hairdresser friend.

See, now look at Buddha. Nice. Clean.

I bet Buddha smelled good.

Who Put The Boop In The Boop-Dee-Boop-Dee-Boop?...

And who put the Jesus in my soap? Okay, get ready...I bought some steaks and green beans for dinner, right? I also needed some more soap to wash my stinky butt with. So I went to the healthy hippie section where I get my Toms Of Maine toothpaste from and picked up "Dr. Bronner's Magic Soaps All-One Hemp Vera Baby-Mild Pure-Castille Soap. serious. That's what it's called. Figured it was worth a shot and better than all the usual perfumey crud I usually buy that drives my skin nuts. I opened it up in the shower and started to read the label...

Cruelty free, not animal tested, post-consumer recycled paper, blah blah.

And then I started to read the inside of the wrapper. Notable quotes from the Moral ABC? What the hell? Edison? Booker T. Washington? Mohammed? Confucius? And Bronner? Who the hell is that? And how come most of them were god-ish quotes? That sucked! And of course, the soap sucked. It felt like I was rubbing somebodys heel against my arm. What did I just say?

Screw the Jesus soap. I've been had. I feel dirty now.

*Update* Well, maybe not. I don't know.
You've got to read this article. It's crazy.

Apathetic Nnyvek...

Oh. I get it.
Once, I stop caring about the comments section -
it starts to work again. I see now.
Well, I also don't care about money

...eh?

Nothing happened.

As If It Being Fucking Monday Wasn't Enough...

I bring you this...and I apologize in advance.

p.s. AND I am very close to ditching stupid-ass-never-working Haloscan because my comments never work. What the hell am I paying them for? Oh wait, I get it for free. Well, who cares? They can suck it. All a bunch of bastards, they are.

Transvestite. Schmanzmestite. Comic Book. Nothing Else Of Importance...

I like Planetary and Eddie Izzard.

Not at the same time.

Thank you.

Walt Disney’s Head Part 3...

Time went by quick too. That never used to happen before. I was standing in line at Star Tours. I was at the part where you're waiting to step into the "spaceship". When I was young, the whole minute you used to have to wait until the doors opened was agonizingly slow. I would watch the time tick away on the tv screen. Every second seemed like an eternity. Now, what's a minute to an adult? We know the DMV, okay? We know what it is to wait to speak with a human when calling the bank. One minute to wait at Disneyland? Lick it.

I spent a lot of money, but not that much. That's another thing that's different now. I've spent six bucks on a domestic beer in L.A. What's a $2.75 soda? Dinner was $25.00, not bad for two people. The only thing that I bought was this. My girlfriend didn't buy anything. She just went snack crazy. Did I mention how fat everybody was? Did I mention the myriad assortment of stupid hats that everybody was wearing? Did I mention the lap dance I got from Walt's head? Did I mention that I need to go back soon drunk?

I'm bringing cigars.

Walt Disney’s Head Part 2…

So. Everybody’s fat. Their children too. You can’t pay me enough money to wear mouse ears. I didn’t see Mickey Mouse, so I couldn’t punch him in the asshole in front of a crowd. I had to duck down into the shops in Adventure Island because the store awnings kept hitting me in the face. A young employee girl asked me to put out my cigarette please, this was a non-smoking section, there were smoking sections marked throughout the park. I said okay, thanks. I asked where should I put it out? She said, where do you usually put it out? I looked at her to see if she was trying to be sassy. I said, in an ashtray? And gave her a look. She said maybe I could just throw it on the floor. I said that I didn’t want to litter. I should’ve punched her in the asshole with a fistful of cigarettes.

Mo’ Later…

Walt Disney’s Head Part 1…

So I went to Disneyland and survived. I wasn’t bombed. A plane didn’t crash into the Matterhorn. I was searched when I entered the park, but they felt me up with Mickey Mouse gloves, so it was actually quite pleasurable. First thing that we did was not go into Great Moments With Mr. Lincoln. After that she bought a big pickle while I looked for a bathroom for my big pickle. It was weird. I expected a crap load of people to be there considering it was Valentine’s Day, but the crowds were tolerable. Lines were short.

It was a strange experience, though. I live pretty close. I don’t want you to think that I live in Anaheim because Anaheim generally sucks. I try not to go into the city because I don’t ever really have a need to. I’ve probably only been to Disneyland eight times in my life. The last time I went was probably seven years ago.

Here’s a thing. It seems weird, but this is what I felt when I was walking through and going on the rides and stuff. Everything is a lot smaller than I remember. I guess, I haven’t grown that much since then. I’ve still been the same size. Mr. Kevynn equals the same 5 foot 11, 135 lbs. off messy mess as always. Why would everything seem smaller to me? I don’t know why, but it did.

Mo' later today.......

If I Was A Scar...

I'd want to be Tina Fey's.

John Cusack And Molly Ringwald...

Did they ever do a movie with each other? Just wondering. Maybe I'm forgetting.

Where's John been anyway? What has he done for me lately?

And Molly? I saw her in Not Another Teen Movie...she still looks the same.

Is that good or bad?

I still do too, maybe I should ask myself the same question...

Take on me...