Monday, April 28, 2003


Whatcanigetcha?...

I bartend on Sunday nights now. I've done it before, but always in the day. I had a guy fall off of his barstool already. I saw him do it when I was outside smoking. I didn't even know that him and his friends were drunk when they came in. I just thought that he was naturally a loud and friendly guy. I can't ever tell when people are fucked up. Drugs, booze, or whatever. I think everybody is weird. I'm pretty naive too. I'm one of those guys that never know when a person is strung out on something. I live in a happy dodo land where nobody does drugs. I can't tell. I always act like I'm on crack, and I've never even seen the stuff. Oh, wait...that's a lie. I was in a Denny's on Sunset once and a man stood up on one of the toilets and asked me if I'd like some. I declined. Flushed. Zipped. Got out of there. No Chris Rock, New Jack City for me.

I think I did okay. Nobody died. I didn't have to get all ninja on anybody's ass. I engaged in a lot of meaningless conversation. I guess Sunday nights will be the new hang out for my friends. They're all good tippers too. Bad drunks, but good tippers .I'm a good drunk and a good tipper. I'm really good at tipping over drunks too.

Some girl grabbed me and started dancing with me. I felt kind of foolish though because of my gimpy leg. I smoked a lot. My girlfriend came in for a drink and I messed hers up. I guess I'm an okay bartender, though. I'd rather have me behind the bar than someone else. I'm nice. I smile a lot. I laugh at your jokes. I pour strong drinks. I want to make you poor. Give me your money so that I can put my twelve children through college. Give me your money so that I can go to college twelve times. Or give me your money so that I can spend twelve hours a day making collages. Or just spending my time brushing with Colgate.

Best part of today? I'm talking to another drunk guy outside, and a small black kid came up and asked us if we wanted to buy some candy. The drunk guy asked him how much and the kid told him five dollars. The drunk guy said that he couldn't have sugar. But being drunk was? Anyway, the kid then said that he could take donations and the drunk guy gave him ten bucks. Then the kid asked the drunk guy if he'd like any candy and the drunk guy said no. The kid's face lit up, he said goodbye, and then started to dance down the street. Dancing. Really. Kind of shuffling and skipping along. I should have bought all of his candy, so that he didn't have to walk around asking fat, drunk, humans if they wanted any...

AND I should have bought him a drink for one of those Kit Kat's...











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